Jokes & Humorous Stories

I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?

Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man insisted that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into
the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a
head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing
right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other
half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself
out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are
you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but ****** and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada ."

"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"

Bob The Chicken


Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber..

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

BOB, wake up. You shit the bed!'

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand along Highway 101 near Mount Uniacke , Nova Scotia early one cold December morning.

Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs The buck was magnificent..... a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.

Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Highway 7.

The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned.
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years

Did you hear about the Polock with pain burning hemorrhoids?

He went to seek help at an Asphalt Company

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen ****** than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too! I didn't know we had a choice."

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

The long legged mac daddy.......................

[url]http://la-gun.com/manning/[/url]

Bank of America, can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I want to cancel my account. I don't want to do business with you any longer.

The Bank: Why?

Customer: You're giving credit to illegal immigrants and I don't think it's right. I'm taking my business elsewhere.

The Bank: Well, Mr. Customer, we don't want to see you do that, but we can't stop you. I'll help you close the account. What is your account number?

Customer: (gives account number)

The Bank: For security purposes and for your protection, can you please give me the last four digits of your social security number?

Customer: No?

The Bank: Mr. Customer, I need to verify your information, but in order to help you, I'll need verification of who you are..

Customer: Why should I give you my social security number? The reason I'm closing my account is that your bank is issuing credit cards to illegal immigrants who don't have social security numbers. You are targeting that audience and want their business. Let's say I'm an illegal immigrant and you've given me a credit card. I have a question about it and call for assistance. You wouldn't be asking me for a Social Security number, would you?

The Bank: No sir, I wouldn't.

Customer: Why not?

The Bank: Because you would have pressed '2' to speak in Spanish. We don't ask for that information when calling in on the Spanish line.

[QUOTE=A John]PS

I`ve never heard PRESS#3 for Chinese[/QUOTE]How would you know?

Do you understand spoken Chinese?

J

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck? "

"No! " she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw? " he asked.

"Of course not! " she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw! " she screamed in panic.

"Sl ut! " he said, and dropped her.

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw. "

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw Shit..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

[QUOTE=Brahmabull]Just 2 quick examples. There is plenty of humor out there if you try to look. Why not try to look for stuff people who do not share your views would find funny and not just stuff that you find funny.[/QUOTE]Well said. I get so tired of people trying to turn these generic forums into their own extremist political pulpits.

If you want to talk politics, there's a politics forum on this site.

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no,

I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a speeding car ran over me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.

That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis."

The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge.

The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut! "

"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut? "

"No," says Johnny. "It's salty. "

One of the Best car commercial ever........

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niP0_56Hyns[/url]

[QUOTE=Brahmabull]You fail at your attempt at humor. Blind people do not use sign language. That would be deaf people. Blind people could NOT read the joke to be offended by it. And everyone knows construction workers can't read.

They are not called jokes because they offend people. People who want to offend people without being looked down upon say offensive things and then CALL them jokes. There is a difference.

KEEPING ON TOPIC:

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news. " God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first. "

Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children. "

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings? "

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time. "[/QUOTE]That was the joke!

[QUOTE=A John]Bank of America, can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I want to cancel my account. I don't want to do business with you any longer.

The Bank: Why?

Customer: You're giving credit to illegal immigrants and I don't think it's right. I'm taking my business elsewhere.

The Bank: Well, Mr. Customer, we don't want to see you do that, but we can't stop you. I'll help you close the account. What is your account number?

Customer: (gives account number)

The Bank: For security purposes and for your protection, can you please give me the last four digits of your social security number?

Customer: No?

The Bank: Mr. Customer, I need to verify your information, but in order to help you, I'll need verification of who you are..

Customer: Why should I give you my social security number? The reason I'm closing my account is that your bank is issuing credit cards to illegal immigrants who don't have social security numbers. You are targeting that audience and want their business. Let's say I'm an illegal immigrant and you've given me a credit card. I have a question about it and call for assistance. You wouldn't be asking me for a Social Security number, would you?

The Bank: No sir, I wouldn't.

Customer: Why not?

The Bank: Because you would have pressed '2' to speak in Spanish. We don't ask for that information when calling in on the Spanish line.[/QUOTE]Thank you A John !!! Now I know where to go for a credit card , gotta tell all the guys too !! Keep up with the good work!

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The cop approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat chick in my car?"

I for one would think it funny to see some dirty jokes on a political forum. It would should that you guys actually have a sense of humor. Because it is not coming out here. The glorious thing about posting on this site it the fact that Jackson has the authority to stop us if he sees fit, this is a privately held forum. Also, I have been ignored by better people than you.

[QUOTE=Lucky Gene]There internet provides us with many wonderful things, but the downside is that any narcissist with too much time on his hands can muddy a thread. Even a thread as lighthearted and ostensibly inoffensive as this one should B.

Is it a need for control that leads some of you to endlessly argue here? Is it a need to have your voice heard that tempts you to post political propaganda on a non-political forum?

I wonder what would happen if Brahma and I and a few others were to inundate the political forums with "dirty" jokes. We'd probably cause an uproar. People there would be saying "What the h*ll is this. This is a forum for political discussions. Take the jokes where they belong".

Sure, we can just "skip over" what we don't want to read. However, we're just asking for a little courtesy. Please don't crap where we read.[/QUOTE]

[blue]Greetings Everyone,

I recently cleaned up this thread by deleting a number of politically-oriented jokes and comments, as well as a number responses made by other forum members to these deleted posts.

If you want to post jokes, humorous stories and/or photos of a political nature, then please do so in the thread designated for this purpose.

[url]http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showthread.php?t=6693[/url]

This cleanup process is not perfect, and it's possible that I may have inadvertently deleted a few otherwise legitimate posts. If you find that your own report was also deleted, please don't take it personally.

Thanks,

Jackson[/blue]

[QUOTE=Lucky Gene]Well said. I get so tired of people trying to turn these generic forums into their own extremist political pulpits.

If you want to talk politics, there's a politics forum on this site.[/QUOTE]

On his death bed, Earl Woods gave Tiger the following advice:

"Focus on golf. Fuck everything else."

A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?"
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to fuck you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?' The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

''Son, all household appliances come in white.''

The German Sprite commercial that didn't make it to America .........
I wonder why not?


[url]http://foxnews.gr/wp-content/plugins/vipers-video-quicktags/resources/jw-flv-player/player.swf?file=http://live.fox365.com/videos/funny/2009/sprite_adv_fox365.flv[/url]

One of my best friends is a self-professed redneck. A great guy, and even he thinks these are pretty good. Enjoy.

You might be a redneck if.

- You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

- You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines. "

- You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

- You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company

- Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.

- You and your dog use the same tree.

- You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

- The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors

- You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time time call. "

- Your family tree does not fork.

- You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

- You had to remove a toothpickfor your wedding pictures.

- You have a rag for a gas cap.

- You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

- You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

- Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

- You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

- The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

- Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

[QUOTE=A John]The German Sprite commercial that didn't make it to America .........
I wonder why not?

[url]http://foxnews.gr/wp-content/plugins/vipers-video-quicktags/resources/jw-flv-player/player.swf?file=http://live.fox365.com/videos/funny/2009/sprite_adv_fox365.flv[/url][/QUOTE]Wow. I thought we lived in the land of the Free, they should have said the land of the puritan.

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.

The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval.

The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"

The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!"

A few more redneck ones:

Your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and bug-zapper

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

[url]http://www.crabrevenge.com/[/url]

[url]http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/111250[/url]

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Donkey In The Well

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.

The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the West Virginian says, "What's that noise?"

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Boy, go git yo Momma...."

I lived in Southwestern Ohio for several years and 'Briar' jokes ([url=http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Briar]folks from KY[/url]) were more than common. Heard this one on the radio one morning driving to work.

"Q: Do you know why Kentucky wants to raise the drinking age to 35?

A: They want to keep alcohol out of the schools."