Jokes & Humorous Stories

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week? '

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why? '

The CEO then handed the guy $1, 600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back. '

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here? '

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of th e long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your jo b assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullsh--tin' me!

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.'

Warning - we had all better wake up and start paying attention!

This morning, Pakistani Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammad Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America 's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell Computer customer service reps, AOL Help, Motel 6 managers, and liquor store cashiers.

Who knew it would come to this. It's getting ugly.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "John, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, John. "

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering, "John. You're a Veterinarian, you sick bast***. "

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied,

"No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"Yes, We know, said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depo any more either."

FINALLY, THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:


Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

AND:

Q: WHAT I S A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A : Running into a wall with an erection and bre aking his nose.

In a biology class at Harvard University, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked,

"If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.

Totally straight-faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, not the back of your throat. Have a good day."!"

DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of
meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother

'Don't eat it, it's an asshole.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

THE WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we Decided to get married.



There was only one
Little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
Younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very Tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.



She Would regularly bend down when she was near Me, and I always got more than a nice view.



It had to Be deliberate... Because she never did it when she was Near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to Come over to check the wedding invitations. She was Alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she Had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't Overcome.



She told me that she wanted me just once
Before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if You want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go Up the stairs... I stood there for a moment, then turned And made a beeline straight to the front door. Opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing Outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and Said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our Little test. We couldn't ask for a better Man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

My grandfather is German and a farmer in Nebraska (yes, at 79 he's still at the farm). He was walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

Grandpa shouts: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahingesheissen.'

Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.'


The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim you infidel, I don't understand German, speak English.'

Grandpa responds: 'Use two hands. You'll get more.'

Was in canadian HJ joint once on my back and the masseuse says in a joking way "you are in big trouble" to which I replied "I'm gonna be in bigger trouble in a moment". She says 'why?' I say 'here's why' and at that moment i fired my jizz across her chest. She was not amused.

Oh that was good.

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local
service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell
her mother what she wanted.

'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into
trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she
deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course,
thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she
deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps
to her room
and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for
my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Carol



Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this
year, so she tore up the letter and started over.



LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this
year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol


Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will
be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol


Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her
a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her
mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan
had worked because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She
looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of
the
Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church,
down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the
door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO