Jokes & Humorous Stories

The word of the day at school was
"Handsome" and Mrs. Crabtree asked if
any of the students would like to use the word of
the day in a sentence.
With excitement Little Sally raised her hand and
said aloud. "My mom
said that my dad looked very Handsome" when he left
for work this
morning.

(Mrs. Crabtree) That was excellent Sally thank you
so much for sharing!
Would anyone else like to give the class an example
of Handsome in a
sentence?

Billy raised his hand and said that the real estate
agent said that the offer on our house was a handsome one” and we
> should really consider it.

(Mrs. Crabtree) Very good Billy thank you so much!

Is there anyone else that would like to share a sentence with the
class.

Shaniqua raised her hand and wanted to share her
sentence with the class.

My moms mouth got really tired when she was giving
her boyfriend a blow job so she had to use her handsome.

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'.
Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Melanie, 7 years old

'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 year old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father.. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years

A young couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month. "

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered t hem into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon. Is there a problem? " the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month. " the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. "The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. "

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible. Anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."

"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat. " admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."

"We know. " said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome back at Home Depot either."

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy
felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.

However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My willy
is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we're married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size willy.'

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, and holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your willy was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is . 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.'

Be very careful the FLU SEASON IS BACK!!

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A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,
"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five time s a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman..

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."

A woman, who was beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor.

Doctor: What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later she returns to the doctor, and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman: "Doc that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are such assholes .

ONE
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."

TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
THREE
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."
FOUR
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
FIVE
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"
SIX
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all
fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.

What to do with $164 million..............


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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific Fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom. Where they had a most passionate liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. '. All this was just too wonderful for words, ' he said,. But what's the dollar for?

'Well, ' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day. And that we should do something special for you

I asked him what to give you? '

He said, ". Screw him. Give him a dollar. "

She then blushed and added, '. But the breakfast was my idea.

In 1912, the world famous Austrian gynecologist, Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler, M.D. Ph.D. published the following:

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.

It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."

I know that usual time for giving is past but, here's a wonderfully good charity to keep in mind.


[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=AGoodCharity.wmv[/url]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. "

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower? '

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it? '

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to atavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2. 00?

HAMBURGER: $2. 25?

CHEESEBURGER: $2. 50?

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3. 50?

HAND JOB: $50. 00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes? " she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you? "

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady, " he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

WYOMING BAR

A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV.

The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass!"

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.

He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.

Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too!"

Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is not Obama country?"

"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date..

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.

It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Ya think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot? '

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot. '

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women. '

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot? '

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

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I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow! " I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have. "

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah. " I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone. Everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane! "

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself! "

So I told her to fuck off.

The dentist pulls out a Novocaine needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

'No objection, ' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills. '

The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet. '

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer! '

It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

"As an American I am not so shocked that Obama was given
The Nobel Peace Prize without any accomplishments to his
Name, but that America gave him the White House based on the same credentials."

**Newt Gingrich**

Dougie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else.

One day Dougie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO! '

Dougie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. '

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened? ' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters! '

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear? " Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely, " said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself, " she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old. How do you do it? "

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny. I just remove my dentures and suck 'them dry! "

Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating
table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered.
The second surgeon responds: Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color-coded.

The third surgeon says: No, I really think librarians are the best.
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have few parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
You're all wrong ----- Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable

[QUOTE=A John]Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating
table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered.
The second surgeon responds: Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color-coded.

The third surgeon says: No, I really think librarians are the best.
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have few parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
You're all wrong ----- Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable[/QUOTE]

A computer engineer is having a beer with an electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer when he says: God must be an engineer. The Mechanical Engineer says: look at the mechanics of the bones and muscles, I bet he would have been a mechanical engineer. No no says the electrical engineer, look at the nervous system .. he is an electrical engineer. The computer engineer disagrees and says look at the brains, its processing powers and logic algorithms. The Civil Envineer says, I have evidence God is a Civil Engineer: who else would build a sewer system in an entertainment district??

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20. 00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'if I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business! '

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, guys just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit. A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel. "

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor? "

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did C. "

You hit her with the shovel.'

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. She found that the problem was hair in its ears. She cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once month.

The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the Pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The Pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The Pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[QUOTE=Gdlint]My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. She found that the problem was hair in its ears. She cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once month.

The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the Pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The Pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The Pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."[/QUOTE]
How old are you Gdlint? I heard Gene Tracy do this joke in the early '70's. Damn, i'm gett'n old.

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch, ' he said, 'How much will you charge me? '

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50? '

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house? '

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it? '

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess. I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting. '

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already? ', the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. '

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50. 00 and handed it to her along with a Ten dollar tip.

'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

The Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the United States.

It has asked the U. S. Board on Geographical Names to name the fault-line in the tectonic area beneath Haiti after him.

The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's Fault"

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"\
"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.

Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.

He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"

First Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon..'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Bob,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Bob had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Bob is dead!'

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed...

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned!
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess..'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied....

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a cigar?

The bigger the cigar, the more expensive it is.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But 'realistically' , we're just living with two hookers and a queer. "

Bob is a farmer in Florida He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in 'bama (that would be Alabama for you non-southerners out there).

He drives to Alabama, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow becomes flatulent.

Surprised, Bob looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow breaks wind again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Bob decides to buy the cow anyway.

When he gets back to Florida, he calls over his friend, Don, and says, "Hey, Don, come and look at dis here new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens.."

Don reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow becomes flatulent ( farts!).

Don looks at Bob and says, "Y'all bought dis here cow over in Alabama, didn't yah"

Bob is very surprised since he hadn't told Don about his trip.

Bob replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did y'all know?"

Don says, "My wife is from Alabama."

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard