Jokes & Humorous Stories

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $ 300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $ 250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $ 150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $ 30.00


Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.

Anyone under 4" is eligible for a tax refund.

** PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION **

The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome.

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are
chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their
men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style,
stilettos and mask over their eyes
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask.
He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love
all night long."
The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I
was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and
a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just
had wild sex all night."
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer,
and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

President Bush decides to take a
break and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the
barman, 'Isn't that President Bush sitting at the end of the
bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's
him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor!
What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says,
'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde
with big tits?'

Bush turns to the
bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about
the 140 million Muslims.'

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but
until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric
expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original
and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Wit hout an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
Fake.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: IF YOU ARE:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years.. .......................... 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

A teacher in New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he decided to be different... again. Little Johnny said, because I'm not a Obama fan.' The teacher said, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?' Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.' The teacher asked why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my mom's a Republican and my dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.' The teacher asks, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?' With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'

We are in trouble.

The population of this country is 300 million.

165 million are retired.

That leaves 135 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 50 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2. 8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden and his buddies.

Which leaves 12. 2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10. 8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1. 4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1, 212, 000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1, 211, 998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice. !

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes.

[url]http://800notes.com/articles/Video.aspx/ZYW4XYBo8ADI_gjJXHU9pA[/url]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've often uttered the phrase, " I love what you've done with your cave."

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own a few.

11. You usually bathe monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've forever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

I took my dog to the vet.....lol
Fed him a new cereal called "COLON BLOW"

BALDY CRUISER :)

Retirement years

I've often been asked what do will I do now I've retired?

Well, I don't have much of a chemical background but one of the things I enjoy the most is turning different types of alcohol into urine.

[url]http://www.tagtele.com/videos/voir/11924[/url]

During a commercial airline flight a Marine Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby. And he sure was hungry! '

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Marine Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed. 'And all these years I've been chewing gum. '

From a Danish associate:

'We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a ***** who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer,

and a lawyer who is married to a ***** who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman

with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?'

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers,
'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.

I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back,
'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... 'Numba 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

'You want...... Garric Chicken wit snow peas?'