Jokes & Humorous Stories

A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a mostly deserted beach at Ft. Myers , Florida .

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Little Billy brought his grandpa to school for grandparents day. Each grandparent stood up in front of the 4th graders and told the children about themselves. Billy's grandpa told the class he was a World War II fighter pilot who flew P51 Mustangs. He said to the children "We were the best, the Krauts couldn't stop us. we shot down every Fokker we saw. Those Nazi Fokkers had no chance against us." The teacher interrupted to tell the class that a Fokker was a type of German airplane. Grandpa said "yes they are, but the Fokkers we shot down were flying Messerschmitts".

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked.

"Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is? "

The little boy replied."Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said.

"I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.

I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle.

"Awww, come on. You don't even know the way to the f***ing Post Office.!

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night? "

"Aw crap., " says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW! "

I found myself a new girlfriend.

She was perfect in almost every aspect.

She was cute. Natural redhead without the redhead personality, she was fun to be around. She was low maintenece and even has a good paying job. She likes having sex and she thought I was handsome. We also share many of the same interests, In fact she even told me she liked comic books!

To bad I had to dump her. I came home the other day and discovered she obviously does not know how to take care of my comic books.

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.. " Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man...

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

This is really right on the mark.... I can't believe how accurate this
was - pretty eerie if you ask me!!


WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???


Try it without looking at answers

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the
calculator....)

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

5) Add the digits together






Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below :

1. Hillary Clinton

2. Nelson Mandela

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. Brad Pitt

8. Hitler

9. A John

10. Barack Obama

I know....I just have that effect on people....one day you too can be like
me.... :-) Believe it!

P.S. Stop picking different numbers. I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH
IT!!!!!!

On their wedding

Night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business! '

That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to shut the hell up!

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like he other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!"

She says: "I don't do units; you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellow dick toad!"

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR......
IF YOU GO INTO CHINA ILLEGALLY, YOU’RE CONSIDERED A SPY AND GET HARD PRISON TIME.....

IF YOU GO INTO GERMANY ILLEGALLY, YOU GET A HEFTY FINE, WORK IT OFF OR PAY IT OFF, THEN DEPORTED.........

IF YOU GO INTO ENGLAND ILLEGALLY, YOU ARE IMMEDIATELY JAILED AND DEPORTED........

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY....

BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:

1. A DRIVERS LICENSE

2. A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD

3. WELFARE

4. FOOD STAMPS

5. FREE HEALTH CARE

6. HOUSING SUBSIDY

7. NO TAXES

I guess I still don't understand...maybe we need to VOTE OUR LAWMAKERS OUT.

Gentle Thoughts for Today



Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.


A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you
haven't met everybody.




If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs....'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.


One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . . . . AMEN!

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking‚ older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them‚ "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment. chair‚ whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first? "

The girl says‚ "I'll go first." She walks past the chair‚ the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there‚ she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks‚ sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says‚ "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks‚ "Can you top that? "

The tough old golfer replies‚ "No problem‚ just get that lion out of there."

Informative, and mind boggling!

You think the war in Iraq is costing us too much? Read this:

Boy, was I confused. I have been hammered with the propaganda that it is the Iraq war and the war on terror that is bankrupting us. I now find that to be RIDICULOUS.

I hope the following 14 reasons are forwarded over and over again until they are read so many times that the reader gets sick of reading them. I also have included the URL's for verification of all the following facts.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. $11 Billion to $22 billion is spent on welfare to illegal aliens each year by state governments.

Verify at: [url]http://*******.com/zob77[/url]

-----------------------------------------------------------------

2. $2.2 Billion dollars a year is spent on food assistance programs such as food stamps, WIC, and free school lunches for illegal aliens.

Verify at: [url]http://www.cis.org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html[/url]

------------------------------------------------------------------

3. $2.5 Billion dollars a year is spent on Medicaid for illegal aliens.

Verify at: [url]http://www.cis.org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html[/url]

-------------------------------------------------------------------

4. $12 Billion dollars a year is spent on primary and secondary school education for children here illegally and they cannot speak a word of English!

Verify at: [url]http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANscriptS/0604/01/ldt.0.html[/url]

---------------------------------------------------------------

5. $17 Billion dollars a year is spent for education for the American-born children of illegal aliens, known as anchor babies.

Verify at [url]http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANscriptS/0604/01/ldt.01.html[/url]

--------------------------------------------------------------

6. $3 Million Dollars a DAY is spent to incarcerate illegal aliens.

Verify at: [url]http://transcripts.cnn.com/%20TRANscriptS/0604/01/ldt.01.html[/url]

-----------------------------------------------------------

7. 30% percent of all Federal Prison inmates are illegal aliens.

Verify at: [url]http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANscriptS/0604/01/ldt.01.html[/url]

-----------------------------------------------------------

8. $90 Billion Dollars a year is spent on illegal aliens for Welfare & social services by the American taxpayers.

Verify at: [url]http://premium.cnn...com/TRANSCIPTS/0610/29/ldt.01.html[/url]

-----------------------------------------------------------

9. $200 Billion dollars a year in suppressed American wages are caused by the illegal aliens.

Verify at: [url]http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSC%20RI%20PTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html[/url]

-----------------------------------------------------------

10. The illegal aliens in the United States have a crime rate that's two and a half times that of white non-illegal aliens. In particular, their children, are going to make a huge additional crime problem in the US

Verify at: [url]http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANscriptS/0606/12/ldt.01.html[/url]

-----------------------------------------------------

11. During the year of 2005 there were 4 to 10 MILLION illegal aliens that crossed our Southern Border also, as many as 19,500 illegal aliens from Terrorist Countries. Millions of pounds of drugs, cocaine, meth, heroin and marijuana, crossed into the U. S from the Southern border.

Verify at: Homeland Security Report: [url]http://*******.com/t9sht[/url]

-----------------------------------------------------

12. The National policy Institute, estimated that the total cost of mass deportation would be between $206 and $230 billion or an average cost of between $41 and $46 billion annually over a five year period.'

Verify at: [url]http://www.nationalpolicyinstitute.org/pdf/deportation.pdf[/url]

------------------------------------------------------

13. In 2006 illegal aliens sent home $45 BILLION in remittances to their countries of origin.

Verify at: http://www..rense.com/general75/niht.htm>

------------------------------------------------------

14. 'The Dark Side of Illegal Immigration: Nearly One million sex crimes Committed by Illegal Immigrants In The United States .'

Verify at: http: // [url]www.drdsk.com/articleshtml[/url]

------------------------------------------------

The total cost is a whopping $ 338.3 BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR AND IF YOU'RE LIKE ME HAVING TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING THIS AMOUNT OF MONEY; IT IS $338,300,000,000.00 WHICH WOULD BE ENOUGH TO STIMULATE THE ECONOMY FOR THE CITIZENS OF THIS COUNTRY.


Are we THAT stupid? YES, FOR LETTING THOSE IN THE U.S. CONGRESS GET AWAY WITH LETTING THIS HAPPEN YEAR AFTER YEAR!!!!!



If this doesn't bother you then just delete the message. If, on the other hand, it does raise the hair on the back of your neck, I hope you forward it to every legal resident...........

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgQi3luRy5c&feature=player_embedded[/url]

There will be --NO NATIVITY SCENE IN WASHINGTON THIS YEAR!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There will be no problem however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Fuckn' Cheerios!"

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

Trunk Monkey - 4 NEW Episodes!!!


[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=4TrunkMo.wmv[/url]

Hyundai... We'll do ANYTHING!


[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOh2pci5GNg[/url]

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk American led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for? ' one of the friend's asked

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock. Seriously? '

'Yup. ' 'Hmmm (hic). '

'How's it work? ' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid b*ast*Road. It's ten past three in the f***ing morning! '

Asked by a friend

Do you known what sex position will make ugly baby?

--Don't known

Go home and ask you mom.

A little old guy is Walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant Manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The old guy replies, Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished.
'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh No, no, no. I only call her that when we're Out in public.'

'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at Home?'

'Lard ass.'

Little John in trouble again at school, father picked him up and asked

What you has done boy?

Son. Dad I said a bad word.

Dad-What word son?

Son- ****.

Dad. Do you known what that mean?

Son. No

When they get home father took the picture of the playboy centerfold and he circle the vagina and ask his son-

Do you known what is this?

Son-No

Dad-This is the Vagina son and outside the circle, that the ****.

Dear DIARY: DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship. All my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.

Met the Captain today. Seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful

Time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 4

Won $800. 00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5

Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6

Today I saved 1, 600 lives.

Twice.

Hunt for ‘female Viagra’ over as doctors discover ‘shopping’

Men poor at shopping foreplay; just like to get in and out

Scientists have found that a man presenting his credit card in exchange for shoes, clothes and handbags can do wonders for a woman’s sex drive.* The experience of ’shopping’ can be further heightened by the male periodically offering comments such as ‘Definitely the Jimmy Choos’ or ‘No, your bum looks great in that’, but men were delighted after trials showed that not lasting the duration did nothing to reduce the woman’s pleasure.

‘Shopping’ was discovered by a male researcher when his wife forgot her purse on a trip into town. ‘When we got home it was as if she was a different woman – the exact same fantasy, in fact, that I’d been using to help me get it up.’

However, doctors have warned men that their partner’s side effects, such as an increased tolerance of time spent in the pub, are likely to wear off quickly and require further treatments.

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is In her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning

- The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

- The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

- The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies. "

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

- He said "Do you have any Rye bread? "

- She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some? "

- He said, "I want 5 loaves. "

- She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves. By the time you get to the

3rd loaf, it'll be hard. "

- He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me"

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 18, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend. Then I realized my mistake. I just wanted a girl with big tits.

Preheat Oven to 400 degrees

Ingredients:

One twenty pound turkey

1/4 cup vegetable oil

One pound Orville Redenbacher's popcorn

Instructions:

Coat popcorn with vegetable oil and stuff into turkey cavity. Roast in 400 degree oven until popcorn pops and blows the ass off of the turkey.

Enjoy

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’

The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt was right.’

The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’

The biker replies, ‘I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.’ The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

The grotesquely wrong answers that some contestants give on quiz programmes would surely make most participants think twice before applying.

THE ARTS
PRESENTER: Who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?
CALLER: Leonardo di Caprio.
(2CR FM)

BIOLOGY
PRESENTER: Was the Tyrannosaurus Rex a carnivore or a herbivore?
CONTESTANT: No, it was a dinosaur.
(Are You Smarter Than A Ten-Year-Old?)

ANNE ROBINSON: What type of bear lives in the Arctic?
CONTESTANT (after much thought): Penguin.
(The Weakest Link)

CLASSICS
ANNE ROBINSON: What was the principal language used by the ancient Romans?
CONTESTANT: Greek.
(The Weakest Link)

DOMESTIC SCIENCE
PRESENTER: Emmental and Double Gloucester are both types of what?
CALLER: Banks.
(Breakfast Toaster Quiz, Heart FM)

ENGLISH LITERATURE
JEREMY PAXMAN: Of all Beatrix Potter’s books, which is the only one to feature a human in the title?
ANTONY BEEVOR (author and historian): Peter Rabbit (Celebrity edition of University Challenge)
(BBC Radio 2)

ANNE ROBINSON: What ‘B’ was a pseudonym used by Charles Dickens?
CONTESTANT: Bart Simpson.

FILM STUDIES
STEVE WRIGHT: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
CALLER: Jesus.

SPORT
ANNE ROBINSON: The point on a golf club or a tennis racket that gives the best contact is alliteratively known as the what spot?
CONTESTANT: The g-spot.

ANNE ROBINSON: In 1975 the first black tennis player to win the Wimbledon Men’s Singles title was Arthur who?
CONTESTANT: Askey.

ANNE ROBINSON: Who won the U.S. Open Tennis Championship wearing a black dress modelled on Audrey Hepburn’s in Breakfast at Tiffany’s?
CONTESTANT: Roger Federer.

(All the Weakest Link)

MUSIC
PRESENTER: Name the festival started in 1895 by Sir Henry Wood.
CALLER: Glastonbury.
(TalkSPORT)

GEOGRAPHY
DARREN DAY: What area of Germany is the cake named after, made with chocolate, cream, kirsch and cherries?
CONTESTANT: Belgium?
(Spin Star, ITV1)

PRESENTER: What is the capital of Cuba?
CALLER: Ermmm…
PRESENTER: Take your time.
CALLER: Ermmm…
PRESENTER: Go on, have a guess.
CALLER: Is it Belgium?
PRESENTER: Er, not quite.
(Sun FM, Sunderland)

DALE WINTON: Alderney and Sark - are they part of the Channel Islands?
CONTESTANT: Ooooh! Is that the English Channel? I don’t know, are there islands in the English Channel? I’ve never heard of any. France - that’s near the English Channel isn’t it?
(In It To Win It, BBC1)

ANNE ROBINSON: Pakistan was part of which other state until it achieved independence in 1947?
CONTESTANT: Bulgaria.
(The Weakest Link)

DAVE LEE TRAVIS: In which European country are there people called Walloons?
CALLER: Wales.

QUIZMASTER: Where is the Sea of Tranquility?
CONTESTANT: Ibiza. (RI:SE, Channel 4)

MATHS
ANNE ROBINSON: What kind of dozen is 13?
CONTESTANT: Half a dozen.
(The Weakest Link)

MEDICINE
STEVE WRIGHT: On what part of the body is a lobotomy performed?
CONTESTANT: The bottom.
(BBC Radio 2)

HISTORY
PRESENTER: What was the date of the Battle of Hastings?
CONTESTANT: Ooooh! Er.... was it 1974?
(Galaxy Radio, Leeds)

ANNE ROBINSON: Which English queen rode a chariot with knives on the wheels?
CONTESTANT (full of confidence): Victoria!
(The Weakest Link)

PRESENTER: Which ancient army was discovered in China in 1974?
CONTESTANT: The Territorial Army.

PRESENTER: What was Hitler’s first name?
CONTESTANT: Heil. (BBC Radio Merseyside)
(Breeze FM)

ANNE ROBINSON: What ‘T’ did British POWs use to escape from Second World War German prison camps?
CONTESTANT: I don’t know. Was it herbal?
(The Weakest Link)

POLITICS
PRESENTER: Who was the Prime Minister before Tony Blair?
CALLER: George Bush.
(Viking FM)

PRESENTER: Name Prince Charles’s younger sister.
CALLER: Is it Camelia?
(The Ugly Phil Breakfast Show, Kerrang! Radio)

RELIGIOUS STUDIES
PRESENTER: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
CALLER: Jewish.
PRESENTER: That’s close enough.
(BRMB)

ANNE ROBINSON: In Roman Catholicism, baptism, confirmation and matrimony are three of the seven what?
CONTESTANT: Deadly sins.
(The Weakest Link)

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
ANNE ROBINSON: What man made structure built during the 3rd century BC is often said to be visible from space?
CONTESTANT: The Millennium Dome.
(The Weakest Link)

Presenter: Which prominent Birmingham family had a toposcope constructed in 1923 for the top of Beacon Hill in Lickey Hills?
CALLER: The Osbournes.
(BBC Radio WM)

GENERAL STUDIES
TERRY WOGAN: Which Duke resides at Woburn Abbey?
CONTESTANT: Hazzard. (Wogan’s Perfect Recall, Channel 4)

PRESENTER: According to legend, who shot an apple off the top of his son’s head?
CONTESTANT: Well, straightaway I’m thinking of Isaac Newton.
(Are You Smarter Than A Ten-Year-Old?)

Question:

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

Answer:

A crazy ***** who WILL find you!

Q. What’s the difference between a SUV and a golf ball?

A. Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

What is the difference between a golf ball and a SUV?

Tiger can drive a golf ball.

Random Thoughts for the Day:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don t want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a
hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 300 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
They went clubbing.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide
between a wood and an iron.

Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of
drivers. They said to named Elin Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with."

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new
name?: Cheetah

Since Tiger drives an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?

A Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache. "

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow. "

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a *****, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep.

As of Monday seven women had come forward saying they had affairs with Tiger. Today, two more spoke up.

I wonder if Tiger played all 18 holes, or just the front nine.

[QUOTE=KC Questor]As of Monday seven women had come forward saying they had affairs with Tiger. Today, two more spoke up.

I wonder if Tiger played all 18 holes, or just the front nine.[/QUOTE]By my math, he went from 21 holes to 27 holes. But then maybe they weren't all three hole qualified. :D Maybe he took the best 18 holes from the 27 available.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus ???

Santa stops after 3 Ho's !!!