Jokes & Humorous Stories

A truck driver is driving down the street, and comes to stop at a stop sign. He hears a knock on his door so he rolls down driver's side window. A blond is standing there and she says: "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load". He shakes his head and continues on up the street. At the next stop sign the same blond knocks on his door and says: "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load". He drives on to the next stop sign. Again the blond knocks on his door. "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load". The truck driver speeds up and at the next stop he gets out, runs over to the blond's car, knocks on her door, and tells her: "Hi, my name is Mike, it's winter in Minnesota, and I'm the salt truck".

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"

Wife: "I clean the toilet .."

Husband: "How does that help?"

Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married
to a man who acts like he hates me.
In public, he pretends he loves me
and talks about how wonderful I am.
But in private, he shakes his finger in my face
and calls me the "B" word.
He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up.
I've tried everything, including a face-lift,
botox treatments, and a chin tuck.
I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago
after having an affair with a woman in his office.
He hasn't even looked for another job.
We haven't slept together since,
I confronted him about the affair.
He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it.
It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house,
we argue constantly about when to put it on the market.
The house we want will be available in a f ew months.
My husband wants to put our house on the market now.
I think we should wait a while.
He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff.
Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed,
Worried in NY


Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back
into the White House as much as you do.

This test is designed to show you how cool you were in High School.

What crowd you ran with, etc., and it's pretty accurate. It's not a long test.

You may want to send it to your friends so they can see if they've changed!

LET'S SEE IF YOU ARE WERE A COOL PERSON THEN, AND NOW!

[url]http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm[/url]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"That button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

A nice, heartwarming story to start your weekend off in a nice way. Sometimes these 'heartwarming' stories are a bit too sappy for me, but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant, who stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs, and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Guts or Balls?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below. Guts. Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? ' Balls. Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next. ' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

He forgot to add:

Either one is followed by immedate Death

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a
lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells
her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? "The
woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

One day, long, long ago.

there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or b***h.

But this was a long time ago.

And it was just that one day.

The End

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.

Ethel said, "You know, Mabel,I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

The Priest and the Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.' The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?' To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.' The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.' The rabbi then asked him, 'Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.' The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for a short while.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the hell out of the ham sandwich, doesn't it?'

A Woman;s and A Man's Perfect Day



A Woman's Perfect Day
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed with freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of ex's partner and notice that she has gained 22 lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap – purring kittens with whiskers nearby
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk - he says he rarely gets to
work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower - alone
10:50 Carried to bed made with freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

A Man's Perfect Day
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast with steak and eggs, coffee and toast -- all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing off her growler
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch -- steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot showing their growlers.
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1,234 lbs) on light tackle
5:00 Fly home -- massage and hand job by naked Elle Macpherson
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news -- Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner -- lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, big juicy fillet steak, followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog
to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

The Cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out togay that I'm a lesbian."

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into

the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in
a

passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain
himself as

he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the
playground

and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back
to look

and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take
off her

shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane...'


At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an

interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to

see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'


At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to

tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground
and I saw

Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look
and he

was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt. Then

Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy

started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do
when


Daddy was in the Army.'

Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

My visit to the urologist

I went to a urologist and told him I was having a problem, as I was unable to get my manhood erect. The doctor checked me out then told me that the muscles around the base of my organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for me. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if I am willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissue from an elephants trunk into my penis. I thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for me to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, I decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, I was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result I planned a romantic evening with this girl I know and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.

In the middle of dinner I felt a strong stirring in my loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure I unzipped my fly and my penis sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to my trousers.

The girl was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, "That was ncredible! Can you do that again? "

With tears in my eyes I replied,

"I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my ass."