Jokes & Humorous Stories

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at
the pub with a toast about you, Mary."


She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself . You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch accross from a brothel, and one noticed a Rabbi walk into the place. One said to the other, "It's a sad day when men of the cloth walk into a place like that."

After a little while, the other man saw a minister walk into the brothel. He stood up and said to his partner, "Did ya see that? It's no wonder the children today are so confused with the example that the clergy are settin' for them."

After about another hour, the first man saw a Catholic priest walk in. He promptly stood up and proclaimed to his partner. "Aw that is truely sad. One of the poor lassies must be dyin'."

Q-What is the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Qwansa?

A- On St. Patricks Day, everyone wants to be Irish.

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles! I hate needles, ' the patient said. The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me! '

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection, ' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills. ' The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet. '

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer! ' 'It doesn't, ' said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.'

Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'" 'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!"

He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come a sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's rear end!

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

"Excuse me. I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to
me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere."

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect
your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for College and High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're
generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no
responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and spend your last nine months floating peacefully in
luxury, in Spa-like conditions - centralheating, room service on tap, and
then.............

You finish off as an orgasm.

AJ

Blondes Playing Bingo

It was a Ladies Only Night in the All Blonde Bingo Hall. The night had
been pretty boring, not one single person had a BINGO all night.

The last game was up for grabs, with a huge bingo prize of $3,500 in the
pot.

The game dragged on and on, and nearly every blonde in the house had
to be on for the big blackout. Finally, G-47 was called, but still no shouts
of "Bingo!" were heard.

The frustrated caller finally got up and threw the Bingo Machine off the
stage. All the girls were shocked.

Exasperated, the caller said: "I've just called every damn one of these 75
balls out of this machine and nobody has a BINGO? Just what number
are you ladies waiting for?"

All together, 412 blonde ladies shouted,

"FREE SPACE!"

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

On a trip to Great Britain, while he was President of the United States, Bill Clinton had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. During that meeting he asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That's easy," the Queen replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" asked Bill.

You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me.
Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother.
Who was this child?"

Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen. "You may go now."

Sizing up his wife's chances in her presidential bid, and thinking back on that meeting, Bill Clinton spoke to Hillary. He said to her, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was that child?"

Hillary replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer.
Can I deliberate on this for awhile?"

"Yes," said Bill, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Hillary called a meeting of her campaign team, from top to bottom, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. She was quite upset, not knowing what she would tell her husband, the former President.

As Hillary was leaving her meeting she ran into her most formidable challenger to her presidential nomination, Barack Obama..

So she said, "Mr. Obama, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother .. Who was the child?"

"That's seems pretty easy," said Obama , "I think the child would be me."

"Oh thank you," said Hillary. "You may just have ensured my nomination as the democratic candidate for the Presidency of the United States !"

So Hillary went back to Bill and said, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Barack Obama!"

"No, you Dumb Ass !" shouted Bill. "The child was Tony Blair"

I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER drink again !

Police: Pantless woman gets out of car

The Associated Press

YONKERS, N.Y. --
Suburban New York police say a drunken driver had a suspended license and had marijuana in her car. Oh, they also say she didn't have any pants on.

Yonkers police say 22-year-old Long Island resident Angelica Buchanan was found Saturday standing bottomless in a street near her car. They say she was so drunk she had to be hospitalized.

Police say she claimed she wasn't wearing pants because she needed to use the bathroom. They've charged her with driving while intoxicated, unlicensed operation of a vehicle and marijuana possession.

A telephone message left at her family's Rockville Centre home Tuesday night hasn't been returned.

Earlier this month a Westchester County man was accused of using a doughnut shop's drive-through lane while not wearing pants. He's charged with public lewdness.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below. Guts. Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? ' Balls. Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next. ' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Missing NY rev. found at Ohio strip club

[url]http://www.daytondailynews.com[/url]

The Associated Press

RIVERSIDE, Ohio --
Police say a pastor who was reported missing from his home in western New York has been found at an Ohio strip club.

A police officer patrolling the K.C. Lounge parking lot Friday morning in the Dayton suburb of Riverside spotted out-of-state license plates on 46-year-old Craig Rhodenizer's car.

The FBI and New York authorities had been searching for Rhodenizer, who disappeared Wednesday after telling his wife he was getting his computer fixed at Best Buy. He is the pastor of a church in Lyndonville, N.Y.

Detective Matt Sturgeon said Rhodenizer was disoriented when confronted by police and said he felt "emotionally guilty."

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I don't know what all the moralistic fuss is about. I believe Mary Magdalene was a provider and Jesus said not to judge her.

[size=12][color=green]So keep that in mind Law Enforcement.[/color][/size]

2 small boys go into a store and pick up a box of Tampax. The cashier asks the older boy: "do you know what these are for?" The boy pointed at his little brother and said "they're not for me, they're for him. I saw a commercial on tv showing a woman swimming and riding a bike. He's 4 years old and he can't do either of those things."