Jokes & Humorous Stories

Why AARP sells insurance........


[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=Insurance.wmv[/url]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! '

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here? '

'Not bad, ' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode! '

'You're ovulating, ' explained the rooster.

'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never, ' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen, ' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg.- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.

'Ralph! Wake up. You shit the bed! '

I saw this on a car the other day, bad girls suck, Good girls swallow.

Free Sex With Fill-Up

A gas station in Texas was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week."

[quote][b]by Davey1965:[/b] Actually saw her 3 times, from the area of the ******* and again
on her bike with the same three other kids/friends hanging around the
******* at ************.[/quote]
[b]Just couldn't help myself![/b] :D [b]Jokes & Humorous Stories[/b]

[b]X[/b] out; [b][size=-2](via the Philly board)[/size][/b] Pic in photo Gallery

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A crowded Virgin flight was canceled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of
inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the
desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, ' I HAVE to be on
this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention
please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal..
'We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS . If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, .................
'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

Private Parts

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz, ' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe, ' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God! ' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

What did Hoover, Truman, and Eisenhower have in common?

Here is something that should be of great interest for you to pass around.
I didn't know of this until it was pointed out to me.

Back during The Great Depression, President Herbert Hoover ordered the
deportation of ALL illegal aliens in order to make jobs available to American
citizens that desperately needed work.

Harry Truman deported over two million Illegal's after WWII to create jobs
for returning veterans.

And then again in 1954, President Dwight Eisenhower deported 13 million
Mexican Nationals! The program was called 'Operation Wetback'. It was
done so WWII and Korean Veterans would have a better chance at jobs.
It took 2 Years, but they deported them!

Now...if they could deport the illegal's back then - they could sure do it today?

lf you have doubts about the veracity of this information, enter 'Operation
Wetback', into your favorite search engine and confirm it for yourself.

Reminder: Don't forget to pay your taxes...
12 million Illegal Aliens are depending on you!

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling
the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque
for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;

#2 - there was plenty of heat; and

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.
However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,

#2 - there wasn ' t any heat, and

#3 - it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

" Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don ' t have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady."

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know!

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make.

I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*** ing
number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills
or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole !"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling
would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller
ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in
his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole,
too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.
It's a yellow ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen."

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He screamed, "Stop calling me!"
I said, "Make me."
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch
house, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,"
and hung up.

Then I called Asshole No. 2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole ."
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well , asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way over
to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
Blvd.
in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.. I got there just
in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a
news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works.

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Ace and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Ace to 'search'.

Ace jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Ace then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Ace to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Ace to 'search' again.

Ace walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

Great News for YOU during these financially challenging times!

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night out.

Eternal rest above Marilyn Monroe? Bid on it..............



[url]http://cgi.ebay.com/Crypt-Above-Marilyn-Monroe-For-Sale_W0QQitemZ320412140795QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item4a9a0d44fb&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14[/url]

Somewhat humourous news, from the other side of the big blue wobbly thing that the mermaids live in.... They also seem to be getting younger every year.

Newspaper editors across the country were celebrating this week, as it was revealed that this year’s A level students are the prettiest ever. The results met with complaints from disgruntled old picture editors who used to cover the A level results in the 1980’s. ‘In our day it was much more difficult to track down an attractive 18 year old girl with good exam results to stick on the front page. Nowadays there so are many A’s being dished out that even the most useless inexperienced journalist can find one.’

However press photographers were insistent that their jobs were just as difficult as 20 years ago. ‘It’s all very well being criticised by bitter old hacks’, said Nigel Tweed of the Daily Telegraph, ‘but the fact is you can’t just stick any old totty on our front page like you used to. Nowadays you need to find pretty twins hugging another or at least the outline of a nipple’.

Dave Curtly from The Sun was equally adamant that standards had not fallen. ‘It’s tough out there,’ he said. ‘Page 3 is now getting difficult to fill, with some many A grade students around there are very few dumb blondes left’.

All you really need to know about Government and Bureaucracy:

** Lord's prayer: ................................... 66 words.
** Archimedes' Principle: ........................... 67 words.
** 10 Commandments: ................................. 179 words.
** Gettysburg address: .............................. 286 words.
** Declaration of Independence: ................... 1,300 words.

US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's yo baby's Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms!

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Willie McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. That would be the daddy..

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I think that my son's conception was ejaculate stuff on a tawl and that he is an axident.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cat aclysmic implications for his wife. I am torn between doing right by you and right by him. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Lairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; it really was in the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave. , mine might have remained unfertilized.

And my personal favorite. . .


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically

comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand
in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

I became confused when I heard the word"Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S.. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant..
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows..
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
You are now as enlightened as I am.

A cowboy appeared before Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.




'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered. 'He's going to run for Congress.'

The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a
little over 60 years
Ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying
object (UFO) with five
Aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch
just outside Roswell ,
New Mexico . This is a well known incident that
many say has long been
Covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other
federal agencies and
Organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the
month of April 1948, nine
Months after that historic day, the following
people were born:

> > > > > Albert A. Gore, Jr..
> > > > > Hillary Rodham
> > > > > John F. Kerry
> > > William J. Clinton
> > > > > Howard Dean
> > > > > Nancy Pelosi
> > > > > Dianne Feinstein
> > > > > Charles E. Schumer
> > > > > Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and
jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears
up a lot of things for
you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal
aliens!
Now You Know.

[QUOTE=Ezenuf]The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a
little over 60 years
Ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying
object (UFO) with five
Aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch
just outside Roswell ,
New Mexico . This is a well known incident that
many say has long been
Covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other
federal agencies and
Organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the
month of April 1948, nine
Months after that historic day, the following
people were born:

> > > > > Albert A. Gore, Jr.. (born March 31, 1948)
> > > > > Hillary Rodham (born October 26, 1947)
> > > > > John F. Kerry (born December 11, 1943)
> > > William J. Clinton (born August 19, 1946)
> > > > > Howard Dean (born November 17, 1948)
> > > > > Nancy Pelosi (born March 26, 1940)
> > > > > Dianne Feinstein (born June 22, 1933)
> > > > > Charles E. Schumer (born November 23, 1950)
> > > > > Barbara Boxer (born November 11, 1940)

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and
jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears
up a lot of things for
you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal
aliens!
Now You Know.[/QUOTE]

I may be crazy, but it seems [url=http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=773141&postcount=1318]I've seen this before[/url].

Side note, all the birth dates came from Wikipedia.

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said,

"Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

[QUOTE=Seva Lurker]I may be crazy, but it seems [url=http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=773141&postcount=1318]I've seen this before[/url].

Side note, all the birth dates came from Wikipedia.[/QUOTE]


Buuuuuuuuullllllllllssssssssshhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiitttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[url]http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/roswell.asp[/url]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn'tneed.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets ahusband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets awife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than hiswife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but hedoesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of anew argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking mein the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work? " The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life? " The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old *****." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life? " The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?

Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

Fur Traders.

What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?

100 people that don't do dick.

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo? " asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face, " he answered. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love? " She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, . The only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop. But at the bar. You know. They have frozen glasses. "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face? " She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK? "

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh? " She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey. At the bar. You know there are swearing, dirty words and all that."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?

LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS? "

And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?.

KINDA MAKES YOUR EYES TEAR UP, DOESN'T IT?

We've all kicked back in our cubicles And suddenly felt something brewing down Below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
The WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the

Office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a

Whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when

You do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.

Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly

Going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the

WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.

Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.

If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert a potential TURD BURGLAR. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

SHIRLEY TEMPLE A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when

You're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

A notable gynecologist once said,
The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
Once started, it can develop awesome energy.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
"It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held
the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,
oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to
anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing
it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and
choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through
the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the
gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a
dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:

• If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
• If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico,
Honduras and Guatemala.
• If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
• If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
• If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.)

Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

In ancient Greece (469. 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students.? "

"Wait a moment, " Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three? "

"That's correct, " Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true? "

"No, " the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right, " said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good? "

"No, on the contrary."

"So, " Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true? "

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test. The filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me? "

"No, not really."

"Well, " concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all? "

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

The Government Can


[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO2eh6f5Go0[/url]

Three Texans were working up on a cell phone tower: Grant
Park, Ronnie
Bob and Donnie Bob. As they start their descent, Grant
slips, falls off
the tower and is DRT (Dead Right There).

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie Bob says,
'Well, dang,
someone should go and tell his wife.'

Donnie Bob says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that
sensitive stuff, I'll do
it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of
Budweiser.

Ronnie Bob says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie
Bob?'

'Grant's wife gave it to me,' Donnie Bob
replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband
was dead and she
gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie Bob says, 'When she
answered the door, I
said to her, "You must be Grant's
widow".'
She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a
widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a
case of Budweiser you are.'

(Rednecks Are Good At That Sensitive Stuff.)