[QUOTE=Winddance1][QUOTE=Spearmonger]Adolf Hitler[/QUOTE]
Barrack Obama[/QUOTE]People do seem to forget that Nazi stands for "National SOCIALIST". No further politics here, or was Winddance1 implying that "Barack Obama" is a joke in itself?
Printable View
[QUOTE=Winddance1][QUOTE=Spearmonger]Adolf Hitler[/QUOTE]
Barrack Obama[/QUOTE]People do seem to forget that Nazi stands for "National SOCIALIST". No further politics here, or was Winddance1 implying that "Barack Obama" is a joke in itself?
I think the later.
[QUOTE=Vargr]People do seem to forget that Nazi stands for "National SOCIALIST". No further politics here, or was Winddance1 implying that "Barack Obama" is a joke in itself?[/QUOTE]
I agree with Vargr, so [url=http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=841407&postcount=12]my response [/url] is here. In the [url=http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showthread.php?t=5936]American Politics during the Obama Presidency[/url] forum.
Where it belongs.
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCPBXvHAah8[/url]
When you wish upon a *****
Makes no difference who you bore
Anything your schwanz desires
Will come to you...
If her crotch is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a *****
As dreamers do...
Fate is kind
She brings to those who pay
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret banging
Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and you'll shoot goo!
When you wish upon a *****
Your dreams come true
Subject: Another use for a glass of milk
A man is sunbathing in his yard in the nude.
His penis becomes sunburned and the only thing he had next to him that was cool was a glass of milk. He sticks it in the milk to cool it down.
His blonde neighbor notices that he sticks it in the milk and says WOW is that how you reload that thing?
The top twelve indicators the economy is bad--
12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses. GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their child's names.
5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America? "
3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges.
And my most favorite indicator of all.
1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds, " you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
___________________________________
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off and tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, and then flew off.
The little girl said to her daddy, "What the heck was that? "
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age the father replied, "It. It was only a bug, Honey."
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
You have just been e-mooned!
Our Mexican Maid
Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. My wife was very upset about
this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
Wife: Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
Maria: Well, senora, there are three reasons. The first is that I iron
better than you.
Wife: Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: Your husband said so.
Wife: Oh.
Maria: The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: Nonsense! Who said you were a better cook than me?
Maria: Your husband did.
Wife: Oh.
Maria: My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
Wife: (really furious now) Did my husband say that as well?
Maria: No, senora, the gardener did.
Wife: So how much do you want?
Just funny.
redneck skeet shooting....................
[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=RedneckSkeetShooting.wmv[/url]
[QUOTE=Hell On Wls]We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
You have just been e-mooned![/QUOTE]
This shit is funny. You forgot one:
(_@_) an ass that has a prolapse
Misfit
Thanks Misfit glad you updated us! HH
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne, and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.-- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Wayne
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.
His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
[QUOTE=Spearmonger]Adolf Hitler?[/QUOTE]
You are right, although I see that others thought this was someone else. Guess those two guys have a lot in common.
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of September 1, 2009.
The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months. It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved through the end of the President's term.
"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," he noted.
Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh, a tele-techniciakn for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. An eligibility Obama has so far been unwilling (or unable) to provide. Mr. Singh will receive a salary of $320 a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in a web-cast interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."
A White House spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as Obama also had never been familiar with the issues.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."
Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
The President has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime. A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama's extensive experience at shaking hands as well as his special smile.
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.
Cid: 1.459083952atweb51107. Mail. Re2. Yahoo.com
Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.
If you don't pass this along, a dog will come out and pee on your keyboard.
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say? " The wife yells back to him...
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR"
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing
alone. She approached him..
'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most
-- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked.
He said, 'B.J. Titsengolf.
A Plane Is On Its Way To Houston When A Blonde In Economy Class Gets Up
And Moves To The First Class Section And Sits Down.
The Flight Attendant Watches Her Do This And Asks To See Her Ticket.
She Then Tells The Blonde That She Paid For Economy Class And That She
Will Have To
Sit In The Back.
The Blonde Replies, 'i'm Blonde, I'm Beautiful, I'm Going To Houston
And I'm Staying Right Here.'
The Flight Attendant Goes Into The Cockpit And Tells The Pilot And The
Copilot That There Is A Blonde Bimbo Sitting In First Class That
Belongs In Economy And Won't Move Back To Her Seat.
The Copilot Goes Back To The Blonde And Tries To Explain That Because
She Only Paid For Economy She Will Have To Leave And Return To Her Seat.
The Blonde Replies, 'i'm Blonde, I'm Beautiful, I'm Going To Houston
And I'm Staying Right Here.'
The Copilot Tells The Pilot That He Probably Should Have The Police
Waiting When They Land To Arrest This
Blonde Woman Who Won't Listen To Reason.
The Pilot Says, 'you Say She Is A Blonde? I'll Handle This. I'm Married
To A Blonde. I Speak Blonde.'
He Goes Back To The Blonde And Whispers In Her Ear, And She Says, 'oh,
I'm Sorry.' And She Gets Up And Goes Back To Her Seat In Economy.=0
D
The Flight Attendant And Copilot Are Amazed And Asked Him What He Said
To Make Her Move Without Any Fuss.
I Told Her, 'first Class Isn't Going To Houston
Have you heard of the new jet age dress?
When she bends over you can see the cock pit!
That`s a good one............
[QUOTE=Hell On Wls]Have you heard of the new jet age dress?
When she bends over you can see the cock pit![/QUOTE]
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4.. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36.. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40.. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44.. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
Beer vs Vagina
BEER vs. VAGINA!!! There are no losers...really.
1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER
2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA
3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER
4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA
9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA
11.. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager,etc.
One point to BEER
1 7. You always know how much beer is going to cost.
One point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother.
One point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it.
One point to BEER
20. Tapping a Keg... easy. Tapping a Vagina... may take you weeks.
One Point to BEER
Final Score: 11 BEER, 8 VAGINA
Sounds like it is true - [url]http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/55265713.html[/url]
[QUOTE=Clinton Bush]Sounds like it is true - [url]http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/55265713.html[/url][/QUOTE]
Clinton,
Although it is a bit humorous it may not be true. I read this on the Detroit list a while back. I never read the Boston list so I it could be just a story or was copied from another city.
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged,one is a
mistress and I have been married for 20+ years.We were chatting about
our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the
door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We
agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You
are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love
all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my
eyes.When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word but he started to
tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
'What's for dinner, Batman?'
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied: "It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!"
My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies".
So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled it out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair.
She screamed & cried like hell!
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
Don't fall for this shit......................
[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=ToplessCarWash.wmv[/url]
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my drink and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
[QUOTE=A John]Don't fall for this shit......................
[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=ToplessCarWash.wmv[/url][/QUOTE]
That's one of the better ones you've posted here AJohn.
I couldn't stop laughing.
Opinions are like ass holes. I'm glad this one brought a smile to your face.
[QUOTE=Quality Junk]That's one of the better ones you've posted [/QUOTE]
Wife abandoned by husband for younger woman admits ‘he’s got a point’
A recently separated wife from Hampshire has spoken of the admiration and good will she bears the twenty-something blonde for whom she was recently discarded by her husband. ‘The truth be told, I have let myself go a bit,’ chuckled Mrs Hazel, 48, a housewife from Liphook. ‘At my age, it’s all heading south for winter anyway, but I could have done more to slow the ravages of time. Fair play to John, she’s a stunner. And Chelsea is such a pretty name. I’m sure it sounds much better when screamed in ecstatic abandon than Brenda.’
Having initially struggled to come to terms with being dumped on her birthday, Brenda’s worst fears came to pass when she ran into her estranged husband and his new lover as they dined at the restaurant in which she’s been financially compelled to work as a waitress. ‘Let’s be honest – it could have been really awkward,’ said Mrs Hazel. ‘I’ll admit my first response was to throw scalding hot soup in her whorish face.
But she was just so charming. Eloquent, self-effacing and quite unburdened by the jaded cynicism that has come to characterise my mid-life. She even had the good manners to apologise for her part in the torrid affair that caused the collapse of my 22-year marriage. And she left me a 20% tip.’
Brenda reports that all three of her teenage children are ‘besotted’ by the newcomer in their lives and she believes it will do them ‘no end of good’ to be exposed to such a youthful and vibrant influence, especially one so much closer to their own age. Mr and Mrs Hazel still need to discuss maintenance and custody arrangements, but Brenda is reluctant to ‘crowd’ the new couple in the critical early months of their relationship.
‘She really is a lovely girl,’ sighed Brenda. ‘It’s just a shame she didn’t aim her sights a little higher than a fat, balding prick like my John.’
Some new posters....................
Some new posters
Some facts that for the most part have been omitted from the MSM coverage a a recent big story. Notice how this became fron page news at a time when the MSM needed us to be destracted away from things in Washington DC?
Bill Clinton Acts Quickly to Rescue Hot Chicks
Former US President Bill Clinton has helped to secure the release of two ‘hot’ US reporters from North Korea. The women were variously described by the former president as ‘in good health’ and ‘smokin’. Senior US officials have confirmed that when Mr Clinton heard of the women’s plight he had expressed an immediate interest in their appearance.
It is not the first time Mr Clinton has come to the aid of fellow Americans. In April he came to the aid of twin sisters from Los Angeles who appeared to be trapped in a hot tub at the Playboy Mansion, and in 2007 a woman claimed he performed a ‘variation’ of the heimlich manoeuvre on her at a restaurant in Paris.
President Obama praised Mr Clinton and said ‘No politician has done more for the well-being of hot young women than Mr Clinton, with the possible exception of Silvio Berlusconi.’ The father of Laura Ling, one of the two former captives, said ‘My daughter has been rescued from a fate worse than death. I’m sure she and her friend are on their knees right now thanking the Lord that they have been spared.’
Mr Clinton is now flying back to Los Angeles with the two women in his private jet and his wife, US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, is said to be eagerly awaiting his return so she can express her own gratitude. Former Vice-President Al Gore, who is said to have played a vital role in negotiating the women’s release, expressed disappointment that Mr Clinton had neglected to take him along. However, Mr Gore said that he was delighted by news of the women’s release and that Mr Clinton had personally assured him that they had a couple of decent-looking friends. Mr Clinton is said to be pleased with the outcome and is hoping that Megan Fox will visit Iran sometime in the very near future.
Pretty good
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eSflbxXeoo&feature=related[/url]
If the show hasn't been DVR'd or the cable is unable to "pause" the show, you'll need to speak to us after the program has finished. Especially if it's Entourage.
Yes, we aren't sure why we like Entourage either, but we do. We gave you Carrie and her *****-friends for years, let us have Vince and his boys.
Phone conversations need to be kept to a maximum of one and a half minutes, especially if we will see you in the next two hours. Anything you can say to us can be said to our faces. Or just send us an e-mail. Especially if Entourage is on.
You are forbidden from discussing our eating/drinking/dressing habits with our mothers.
Like your orgasms, please fake excitement when we show you how to kill prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto.
As long as it isn't shit on a stick, we don't care what's for dinner.
We'd prefer not to know the details of you and your friends' menstrual cycles.
If you want the bed made, why not do it yourself?
We aren't too old for video games. We're the first generation that had video games, therefore we're pioneers when it comes to them. Expect us to play them well into our 80s.
Just because we brag about the sound and/or potency of our farts doesn't mean you're welcome to do the same.
All that talk about anal sex causing rectal cancer is total and complete bullshit.
We are not to be bothered during Shark Week.
Please, for the love of all that's good and holy in the world, don't even consider getting Kate Gosselin's haircut.
When you hand out a nickname for our genitalia, it should not end in an "ie" or a "y". Also, it's best if the name references a force of nature like thunder or a hurricane.
Even if you can drink us under the table, please don't. Especially in front of our friends.
There's no need to point out that you're taller than us with heels on.
Those naked photos of our ex-girlfriends? We only keep them around to remind us how great you are. No need to freak out and threaten decapitation.
When you get that "monthly visitor" maybe it's time we revisit an oft forgotten practice. Namely, reinstating "blowjob week".
We are to go to Las Vegas and Amsterdam alone.
It's best if you only work with female trainers at the gym. We don't want to hear about Lars with the tank-top helping you do squats.
When we're handling solo duties on the lead vocals of a Bon Jovi song in the car ... it's just that. A solo. There's no dueting in Jovi. Wait until we break out the Indigo Girls for your crack at lead vocals.
Leaving us alone with your father for 18 holes is cruel, especially when we're sure he thinks we're a pussy.
In fact, don't leave us alone with any of your family. This is most important if, for some reason, we're shooting skeet.
Nothing makes you look fat. Nothing. Don't even ask.
If your boyfriend writes a list of 25 new rules for the modern woman and publishes it on a pop culture blog - the rules apply to other women. Not you. You're perfect. And I'll make sure to pick up your dry-cleaning this afternoon.
"BAIL EM OUT ?
Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a ***** house and selling whiskey!"
Nicknames
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
* A man has seven items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, shampoo and a towel.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
I'm a guy, and was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. that is 449 .
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS and is armed.
Flip one off? ....... Oh hell, NO!