[url]http://www.americanfilms.com/play.cfm?clipid=9&kw=shameless[/url]
Hooker just like dear old dad used to date. In fact, it is the same hooker he used to date.
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[url]http://www.americanfilms.com/play.cfm?clipid=9&kw=shameless[/url]
Hooker just like dear old dad used to date. In fact, it is the same hooker he used to date.
[QUOTE=Robux][url]http://www.americanfilms.com/play.cfm?clipid=9&kw=shameless[/url]
Hooker just like dear old dad used to date. In fact, it is the same hooker he used to date.[/QUOTE]
My eyes! My eyes! As soon as I recover I am going to fuck the living daylights out of her. Tell your dad I'm coming by with a bottle so we can compare notes.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman
other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.
So next Saturday at 4 PM. EST all American women are asked to walk out
of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood
terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their
house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American
women.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6 -pack at you side
is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America.
BBB
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would
dispute that.
Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks.
So the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt
the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit longer
this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right
again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time
against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge black
eye.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk
enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put
your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly yelled,
"Skunk. Killed with an axe."
BBB
I am not making a political statement.
I am not endorsing a political party.
But in case you're shopping for your favorite politics junkie, here is the perfect gift.
[url=http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=230039721735]Mark Foley "Ready for Action" Figurine[/url]
Great catch, Bench, but I'll bet you would never take'em home to meet Momma.
LOL
Randy
Dwarves get horny too just like all us handsome irresistable guys - maybe even hornier. One day a dwarf and his buddy dwarf couldn't take it any longer and decided to pay for sex. They get two adjoining rooms in a nice hotel and call an outcall escort service.
The first dwarf takes off all his clothes and gets into bed naked with the prostitute. She looks great lying there all naked on the bed: long red hair, big tits, narrow waist, long legs. He really wants her. But for some reason he is unable to get an erection.
To make matters worse, he can hear his buddy and the other woman in the next room. "One, Two, Three, Here I come!" The first dwarf relaxes for a bit, then tries again. Nothing. Next door, "One, Two, Three, Here I Come" again. This goes on all night. The first dwarf can't get it up all night. He keeps hearing, "One, Two, Three, Here I Come" all night long.
The next morning the two dwarves are sitting in the hotel coffee shop. "God, what a night," says the first dwarf. "The woman was beautiful and sexy as hell, but I couldn't get an erection."
"That's nothing," said the second dwarf. "I couldn't even get up on the bed."
- Double Nickle
I was telling a buddy of mine how great I used to have it in Waterbury. "There were 10 Korean Massage Parlors charging $140 to $160 for full service. I walk into any one of them and a gorgeous babe in sexy lingerie greats me at the door by name with a smile and a kiss. She gropes my crotch, 'I see you're happy to see me.' I get a cup of green tea and time in the sauna. During the table shower she slips out of her wispy garments and slides her soapy body all over me. She brings me back to the massage room and leaves. An even hotter girl comes in. I get a full professional massage. Then she gets on top of me and we do 69. Then she hops on my dick and rides me cowgirl style while I'm sucking on her huge bouncing boobies. Massive climax. We snuggle for a bit and get cleaned up. On my way out the first girl kisses me on the mouth, unwraps a peppermint candy and pops it in my mouth. There is a new girl I haven't seen before. 20ish with a spiky punk haircut - so hot I'm literally shaking. She grabs my dick through my clothes, 'come back soon.' I walk out trying to hide the flagpole in my pants. How about that," I say to my buddy.
My buddy, he says, "That's nothing. There's another place in Waterbury that is way better. You go in and sit down at the bar. One dollar fifty cents for great microbrewed beer. And you get a great full buffet with it. They put money in the jukebox for you and you get to dance to your heart's content. Wait, I'm not finished. Then they take you to a room in back and you get the best sex of your life. Multiple pops. New positions. As long as you want. All this for only a hundred and fifty cents."
I tell my buddy, "I don't believe you. What is the name of this place? Have you actually been there?" My buddy, he says to me, "Well, no I haven't actually been there yet but I have it on good authority from somebody I absolutely trust....My sister told me about it."
Double Nickle
To celebrate my fifty-fifth birthday I went to Hedonism II in Jamaica for a week. Contrary to what many believe it does not guarantee unlimited sex for single guys. Many guests are couples, and single guys far far outnumber single girls. But you can see almost unlimited naked flesh as there is a nude section. I went to the massage hut there thinking I would surely get hand relief. Nope, I walked out of there butt naked (I hadn't worn clothes in) with a big hard-on. (I tried to look nonchalant). I took a midnight dip in the nude pool. A couple is in the hammock right next to it, making love. I'm in the outdoor nude jacuzzi. A smoking hot girl climbs in and looks at me with smouldering eyes. I get as hard as I've been in my life. Then she goes and gives the guy right next to me a blowjob right in the outdoor hot-tub. A week of this. No sex for me. I have never been so horny in my entire life. I would have fucked the brains out of the ugliest, fattest, most personality minus female.
So my week is up and I fly back to Bradley Field and take the airport limo to Waterbury. I stop in the 24 hour convenience store on Bank Street. As I am coming out I see a streetwalker straight out of my early 1970's mongering days. 20ish, hot pants with a bit of butt hanging out. My knees are turning to jello, but I manage to stumble up to her and stutter out, "Oh man, I really, really wish I had a little pussy." She looks me straight in the eye and says, "Me too, mine is as big as a barn."
Double Nickle
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 39 and am looking for a girl with big boobs.
A guy walks into a talent agency and says, "Have I got an act for you!"
The agent says, "Tell me about the act."
Now wouldn't this just be the classic monger joke...
Benchseats Rock
WARNING FROM THE BBB ABOUT AFLAC
Seems the (BBB) Better Business Bureau got a complaint the other day about a scam that AFLAC was taking advantage of women on the street and stealing their money.
Now we all at one time thought that an INSURANCE Company has stolen from us, however this scam is netting COLD HARD CASH from unsuspecting individuals. The way it works is the thief uses children to distract the target.
While admiring the cuteness of the kids they are robbed of their cash and never know what hit them.
I'm sending this out for all to be aware that this is happening and it's right out on the streets where the general public is. A passer by with a digital camera happened to capture the photo below. Review it carefully and use caution when distractions like this come along.
Be careful out there!
Don't say you weren't warned....
[QUOTE=Benchseats Rock]Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Kick her in the ankle.[/QUOTE]Wrong mo fo. She really moans and bitches when you don't pay her....
[QUOTE=LoveLOS]WARNING FROM THE BBB ABOUT AFLAC
Seems the (BBB) Better Business Bureau got a complaint the other day about a scam that AFLAC was taking advantage of women on the street and stealing their money.
Now we all at one time thought that an INSURANCE Company has stolen from us, however this scam is netting COLD HARD CASH from unsuspecting individuals. The way it works is the thief uses children to distract the target.
While admiring the cuteness of the kids they are robbed of their cash and never know what hit them.
I'm sending this out for all to be aware that this is happening and it's right out on the streets where the general public is. A passer by with a digital camera happened to capture the photo below. Review it carefully and use caution when distractions like this come along.
Be careful out there!
Don't say you weren't warned....[/QUOTE]
You want ducks? I got your ducks right here.
Benchseats Rock
[QUOTE=Benchseats Rock]A guy walks into a talent agency and says, "Have I got an act for you!"
The agent says, "Tell me about the act."
Now wouldn't this just be the classic monger joke.
Benchseats Rock[/QUOTE]What do you call this act - "The Aristocrats".
Hey I finally posted!
A friend sent this and I thought I would share!!
Why is a joke like pussy?
Neither is any good if you don't get it.
Abe went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with big boobs and a small box."
"Why?" she asked him.
"Never mind!" replied Abe. "I`m paying for it. I want a girl with big tits and a small cooze!"
"No problem," said the madam. "Go straight up the stairs to room 23."
A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in.
"Okay," she said, "are you the guy with the big mouth and the small pecker?"
Meet the newest members of [URL='http://*******.com/yygcdt']The Mile High·jackers Club[/URL]
I'm trying to find a certain joke but I can't find it. I only read the first couple of pages so I'm not sure if this has been posted:
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite a lot, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations, so I went. She was alone and when I arrived she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me." I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased. You have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink? " She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight! "
Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. "
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.
If the Indians had killed a cat instead of a turkey, we would all be eating pussy for Thanksgiving.
Happy Turkey Day!
Q. What do women and airplanes both have in common?
A. They both have cockpits.
Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower is coming.
Q: How did the hilbilly find his daughter in the woods?
A: Pretty Good!
Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. 8 Something :P
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. What is the new gay website address?
A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound).
Q. What is the new O.J. website address?
A. slash slash backslash escape.
Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.
Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts.
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have
left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a trapese artist?
A: One's got a cunning stunt...the other has a stunning ****.
Q: What is the name of Moby Dicks father?
A: Poppa Boner
Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: No. But I've been swung around by the tits.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What do you call blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes!
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: Why are Blonde's coffins shaped like a triangle?
A: Because everytime their head hits a pillow their legs open.
Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They are both empty from the neck up!
Q: Why has the wave been outlawed at baseball games?
A: Because all the blondes used to drown .
Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.
Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.
Q: What do a Blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: Once on their back, they're both screwed.
Q: Why did the blonde have bruises on her belly button?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an "F" in sex
Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?
A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Maneuver.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: (Frito-Lay).
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!
I saw this posted by The Flatline in Hollywood. He gets all the credit here for this gem.
"Mother nature threw ladies a twist
When she gave us an organ that fits in our fist.
Although for pussy we always are itching,
Sometimes the hand beats the sound of their bitching"
The other day, I was accosted by a hooker. She asked, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex, honey? Only $50"
"No way!" I responded. "I'm married!"
"So? What difference does that make?" asked the hooker.
So I told her, "The difference is, my wife will do it for only $35."
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how
to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said,
pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually
she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do that
for?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
This guy picks up a beautiful blond in a bar and takes her back to his place
They have bare·back sex in every position all night long
As dawn breaks , she suddenly sits bolt up·right in bed and exclaims =
" OMIGAWD!! I forgot to ask you something !! Have you ever been tested for AIDS ??!!?? "
The guys says " Yep .... and I'm negative "
" Thank Goodness " the blond sighs " I wouldn't want to catch *that* again !! "
The MORAL of the story =
If you haven't already been circumsized , get clipped .... it way reduces your chances of contracting HIV =
[URL]http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=448225&postcount=251[/URL]
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at
him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think
you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only
time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the
stripper who I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching,
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his
eyes and calmly says... "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big ugly red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a freaking diamond.
BBB
[QUOTE=Bad Bad Boy]My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big ugly red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a freaking diamond.
BBB[/QUOTE]
why did you write this in the first person context? People could easily misconstrue this post.
Dec 4, 2:37 PM EST
[b]Plane diverted after passengers smell burning matches[/b]
NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- An American Airline flight bound for Dallas-Fort Worth was diverted in Nashville after passengers reported smelling burning matches.
Airport officials had 99 passengers and five crew members disembark the plane after it landed around 6:40 a.m. Monday, Nashville Airport Authority spokeswoman Lynne Lowrance said.
The plane, which was en route from Reagan National Airport in Washington, was searched and luggage was screened.
Matches were found in the seat of one passenger, who was detained and questioned by the FBI. The matches were safety matches allowed in carry-on luggage under Transportation Security Administration rules.
"It turned out she was trying to conceal body odor," Lowrance said.
The woman, who was not identified, was released without being charged, but was not allowed back on an American Airlines flight.
The remaining passengers were screened, and the plane resumed its flight around 10:30 a.m.
© 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. Learn more about our Privacy Policy.
A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Nov 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.
1. What's the quickest answer most Americans would give when asked to name three Brazilians?
Lindsay, Britney and Paris.
2. What do Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan all have in common with your local library?
They're "open" to the public.
3. What did George Bush Sr. say that is similar to the recent "statement" made by Britney Spears?
Bush Sr. said "Read my lips... No new taxes!" Britney said "Freed my lips... Show you waxes!
4. What do Britney, Paris and Lindsay all have in common with naked mole rats?
They have tunnels with no fur, and people are shocked when they see one come up for air.
5. What do Paris, Lindsay and Britney have in common with the Grand Canyon?
Well explored wide open spaces that are better seen from a distance than up close.
[QUOTE=Bad Bad Boy]1. What's the quickest answer most Americans would give when asked to name three Brazilians?
Lindsay, Britney and Paris.
2. What do Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan all have in common with your local library?
They're "open" to the public.
3. What did George Bush Sr. say that is similar to the recent "statement" made by Britney Spears?
Bush Sr. said "Read my lips... No new taxes!" Britney said "Freed my lips... Show you waxes!
4. What do Britney, Paris and Lindsay all have in common with naked mole rats?
They have tunnels with no fur, and people are shocked when they see one come up for air.
5. What do Paris, Lindsay and Britney have in common with the Grand Canyon?
Well explored wide open spaces that are better seen from a distance than up close.[/QUOTE]
Sort of like this one:
Q. How is a blonde like a screen door?
A. The more often you bang it the looser it gets.
Guys, Listen to this!....
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oChizeNbViE&eurl=[/url]
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing! "
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up. "
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and when he comes back he says,
"Man! My hands are really freezing! "
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up. " He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again,
"Honey, my hands are really freezing! "
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.
One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
Can you say "White Trash?"
[url]http://www.thedailytimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20061204/NEWS/612040306&SearchID=73265833006433[/url]
By the way...they are being charged for their behaviour...and deservedly so.
One cannibal says to another cannibal,
"I hate my mother in law"
The other one replies,
"No biggie. Just eat the noodles."