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Presidential candidates make pitch for ‘internet porn addicts’ vote
The US Presidential race finally entered the spirit of the internet age this week when the leading candidates made direct appeals to one of the largest demographics in the United States; the internet pornography community.
Although politicians have long recognized the potential power of the internet they have previously shied away from being associated with the largest user group on the web. All that changed this week when John McCain’s campaign team persuaded him to appear in a hardcore video alongside internet porn star Jenna Jameson. ‘Although the image of the senator grasping Ms Jameson’s breasts and shouting ‘God Bless America’ may not endear him to liberal women voters, he made a judgement that they were not going to vote for him anyway, ’ explained Andrew Marr. ‘But the veteran Republican’s apparent sexual stamina and in-depth knowledge of the most popular sexual positions on the web is playing well with blue collar workers in swing states. He’d never have won Florida without that scene with the cheerleaders walking into the wrong house. ’
Within days the other leading candidates were making a pitch for this newly identified demographic. ‘Traditionally American voters have been categorized by race or class, but spending hours staring at a couple of strangers have sex on your lap-top is a future that cuts across all the outdated labels of Hispanic, Black or W. A. S. P’ said a spokesman for Barack Obama’s campaign team. For this reason Obama has apparently chosen to shun the old fashioned racial stereotype of well-endowed superstud. ‘Obama’ has now become the most popular search on [url]www.blacksBoneBlondes.com[/url].
However most successful of all is Hilary Clinton, who has enlisted the experience of her husband. The couple star in a hardcore BDSM video entitled ‘Naughty boy must be punished’ in which Hilary the dominatrix turns up at her husband’s work to find him having sex with a younger woman. For this he is then tied to a desk, stripped and beaten with a riding crop. ‘It’s very convincing’ said Andrew Marr, ‘You’d almost think she really caught him cheating on her.
A Trend That May Be 'Countrywide'
A sex researcher called one of his participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy. "Sir, in response to the question of frequency of intercourse" the researcher said, "you answered 'twice weekly.' Your wife, on the other hand, said 'several times per night.' How could this be correct?"
"That's right," the man said, "and that's the way its going to stay until the house is paid off!"
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New Apple logo heralds future of the internet
The American computer giant Apple has changed its logo to reflect the fact that the primary purpose of its products is to access the exciting world of internet porn; or ‘iPorn’ as the company now call it.
In a move which analysts have called the ‘encapsulation of everything about living stylishly in the internet age’, the company is aiming to liberate the world wide web from its occasionally seedy image and make it’s customers feel cool and cutting edge for endlessly browsing through amateur pornography sites.
Steve Jobs unveiled the new logo at an adult industry trade fair in California and said, ‘Our iPod video player and iPhone are allowing unprecedented numbers of people to see all sorts of things that would have been banned only ten years ago. This is about freedom of expression and liberty; our products have made it possible to watch iPorn at home, at work, even while you’re bouncing around on a bus.’
In a move that has been welcomed by pornographers Apple is also launching a new adult entertainment store on the internet. Mr Jobs explained; ‘We believe we can finally bring pornography the respectability it deserves. We’ll be selling three-minute downloads of high class adult entertainment for a dollar a go to customers in US and Canada, or two dollars in Europe as they’re so much further away and there are no additional charges for postage and packing.’
To compliment the site Apple has also produced a new computer which runs the ‘QuickyTime’ media player with enhanced fleshtone graphic capabilities and a sound card tuned perfectly to enhance the sound of human grunts and squeals.
The ‘oMac’, sold under the strapline ‘think dirty’, promises to ‘entertain you on your lap or on the desk’. Later in the year the ultra-thin ‘oMac Air’ will also become available, although only ‘under the counter’, and will come stylishly wrapped in its own brown paper bag.
