Jokes & Humorous Stories

Screenwriters strike leaves porn industry without plots and dialogue

The US porn industry has been badly hit by a the US writer’s strike that has left the business completely without ideas, plots and convincing dialogue.

The American Writers’ Guild strike centres around DVD and other secondary rights and has left Hollywood and the United States TV industry in crisis with screenwriters with-holding scripts from the major studios and gag writers refusing to supply jokes for topical comedy shows. However nowhere has the Writers Strike been more acutely felt than in America’s pornographic film industry, where suddenly directors and actors are having to make up storylines and dialogue themselves, resulting in totally unconvincing and contrived sexual encounters.

‘We were filming ‘Pizza Guy Delivers Extra Hot Sausage’’ said porn actress Sylvie Steel. ‘But with no script the pizza guy just turned up and undid his flies and said ‘here’s the extra sausage you ordered’. I just turned to the director and said “I’m sorry, but I would just find that disgusting and deeply offensive behaviour from a complete stranger. In fact I would probably call the police’.’

Without a writer to turn to, the confused director suggested they try following this improvized plot idea, but when four hunky actors in cop costumes turned up, Ms Steel rejected suggestions that she would probably want to have sex with them all using their handcuffs and batons, but that she would more likely want to give a detailed statement of the indecent exposure she had witnessed earlier.

On another set where a crew were filming ‘Secretary’s Double-sided Problem’ an engineer called to fix a photocopier and then simply carried out the maintenance, exchanging pleasantries before leaving to attend his next job. The actor playing the engineer said that anything else would have seemed ‘incredibly forward of me’. Where sexual encounters have been filmed, actors have been reduced to making endless grunting noises or just saying ‘Yeah, oh yeah’ over and over again.

‘Writers are an essential part of the Adult Film Industry’ said porn director Ralf Radd, on a new DVD introducing a new compilation of his work. ‘Without them people watching pornographic films will just fast forward through the boring bits at the beginning and not…’

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years, "my husband replies.

I stopped. "D o you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over time?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man

Most Perfect Breasts In The World

A little old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100? "

"Are you nuts? ! " she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1, 000 dollars? " he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it? " So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10, 000 dollars? " She thinks about if for while and says, "Hmmm, $10, 000 dollars. Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there. "

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you going to bite them or not? "

"Nah", says the little old man. "Costs too much."

The Real Old Wes

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw"

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

What do retired people do?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Here's one of our responses to that question....

Well, for example, the other day MO and I went into Philadelphia and went into a book shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a motorcycle cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mo called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by train from New Jersey.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Purina DIET

I have 4 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid lady. Why else would I buy dog food?

Posting for the FBI:

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! " "The man said, "You ca n't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home. "

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife. " The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home. "

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, she wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair. "

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

I Saw a billboard that read:

Need help? Call Jesus.

1-800-005-3787

...Out of curiosity I did.

A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.

At the end of the tax year, the Internal Revenue Service sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While the I. R. S. Agent was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with all the candle drippings? "

"Good question", replied the Rabbi. "We gather them all up, package them and send them all back to the candle makers. Then every now and then, about maybe once a year, they send us a complete box of free candles. "

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had such a practical answer. But, undaunted, he continued, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these biscuit purchases? There must be a lot of broken leftovers and crumbs. What do you do with those? "

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing now that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We gather them all up, package them and send them all back to the manufacturers. Then every now and then, about maybe once a year, they send us a complete box of free holy biscuits. " "I see! " replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, knowing this next question would really stump the Rabbi, "What do you do with the leftover foreskins from all the circumcisions you perform? "

Without batting an eye, the Rabbi replied, "Here, too, we do not waste. We save up all the foreskins and send them to the Internal Revenue Service, and then about once a year they send us a complete prick.

New Holiday March 20th

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Secretly. Guys feel left out. That's right. Left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day. ' Simple, effective and self-explanatory. This holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday explains it all. Just a steak, a BJ & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling.

So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.

What's up with this?

Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and then they don't want to do anal sex because it 'hurts'.

I bumped into my ex-wife in a bar.

I had sex with another woman last night," I told her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time."

"You miss me that much?" she asked.

"No," I said. "But it kept me from coming too fast."

The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE.”

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street >> corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb. 'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and fifty pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!' One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany him on his >> jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have an explanation ready. As they jogged >> into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the >> prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!'

*SMART ASS ANSWER #6
*It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines. "Would you like
dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my
choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

*SMART ASS ANSWER #5* A flight attendant was stationed at the departure
gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for
the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without
missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your
stub."

*SMART ASS ANSWER #4
*A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,
they're dead."

*SMART ASS ANSWER #3
*The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the
cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.

*SMART ASS ANSWER #2
*A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead". Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

*SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006:
*A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to
laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I
guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."