Jokes & Humorous Stories

Story makes sense to me.

On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his .

The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."
The policeman says, "No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.

"No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"

The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog!"

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do wit h that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement
he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat....

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and misses it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help. "

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you go. You should have taken golf lessons instead."

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Mississippi
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida:

Nice Ass, Get in the truck

The Green Bay Packers delivered a shocking announcement today. Their starting quarterback this Sunday will be Mrs. Brett Favre, who will play for Brett during the first quarter. Fans in Green Bay were shocked when this announcement was made, but Mrs. Favre assured the fans that, "Hey, I know this game. I live with Brett. I have taken several road trips on the team plane. I've gone to the pre-game meal. I know a lot of the Packers. I've played around with a lot of the Packers in* the back yard. I've tossed the football with them, and I know what a slot right 60-Prevent-Slot-Hook-And-Go is and I know how to avoid a corner blitz. " So they polled the people in Green Bay, 50% of Packers fans are excited, motivated, looking forward to the big game.

All right, you think that's ridiculous? Let me reread this. In a shocking announcement today, Mrs. Hillary Clinton announced that she is running for president of the United States because she knows Bill Clinton and has lived with him, and she was there on a lot of trips to China and around the world, and she really cared about kids for 35 years. She's fought and she stood up for kids, and she's tried to fix health care, and she knows fifty percent of the American people say, "That's good enough for us. "

Ignorance is bliss?

Then G. W. Bush must be the hap-hap-happiest motherfucker in the world (and anyone who still supports him must be drooling with glee).

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse. '

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you? ' Bush replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like. '

Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.”

But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my LOVE dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“LOVE dress? But you’re naked!”

“My husband LOVES me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my LOVE dress,” she whispered, sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?”

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round golf when she suffered a bee
sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for
help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse And asked,

"Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,

"Then your Stance is too wide."

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone.

She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself.

It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

He said, "Bob Titsenbeer."

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

That's good Crook O. I busted a gut. You must me taking lessons from your cousin Funny As Schitt....[

QUOTE=A John]For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt[/QUOTE]

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the S ame one twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar,and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

God Bless America !

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price.- the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself. '

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it! '

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too ha d forgotten to get condoms, and asked i f she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

'Cleanup, Register 5'