Jokes & Humorous Stories

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit!

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his
birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

The guy asks what the surgery is.
The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner.
While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.

She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says

"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".

Confucius Says....

... he who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands.
... wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
... he who sniff coke, drown.
... Macintosh computer, like man making love in cemetery,
fucking near dead.
... man piss in wind, wind piss back.
... man who pull out too soon, leave rubber behind.
... man who eat pussy, do lip service.
... man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily dentist.
... girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick.
... men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the
whole, women have more.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to
his adultery.

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008

Number 10: Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8: Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6: Some people are like a Slinky. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4: All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3: Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200. 00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30. 00?

Number 2: In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2008: Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow.

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the
husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his
wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the
hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an
email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in
her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the
first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into
the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you
then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

Only a guy would do this!

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100, 000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be

Short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife.. Who would never consider a gun..adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? ! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of

It. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst

Would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the

Ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it, " reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided

To give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION at! At$$! %! At*!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

Position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from

Your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-. That hurt like hell! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Prostate exam

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and is then sent to a Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the doctor is a very attractive young female Urologist.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, and while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy obeys and says, "99!"

The doctor says, "Great! Now turn over onto your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99"

Again, the guy says "99."

The doctor says, "Very good. Now then.....I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand, I'm going to hold on to your penis. Now.. take a deep breath and say, 99."

The guy begins, "One ... Two .... Three .........."

Two elderly ladies

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,

"Who drives you to the beach?"

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note "Off to the grocery store". He hasn't been *getting any* from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick.

He puts the video in, and starts masturbating. He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life.

Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes.

He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in...... what happened?!".

To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."

The Three finalists in the 2007 Greatest Ass Contest.

1. Miss Texas

2. Miss Hawaii

3. Ms. New York

Union Rules & Hookers

A dedicate d Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

'Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas .'

Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.

'After you retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't ready for that.'

Bobby Bowden / Florida State

The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.'

Lou Holtz / Arkansas

'When you win, nothing hurts.'

Joe Namath / Alabama

'Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated.'

Lou Holtz / Arkansas

'If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password,

'Roll, tide, roll!'

Bear Bryant / Alabama

'A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.'

Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

'There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.'

Woody Hayes / Ohio State

'I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.'

Bob Devaney / Nebraska

'In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.'

Wally Butts / Georgia

'You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.'

Paul Dietzel / LSU

'It's kind of hard to rally around a math class.'

Bear Bryant / Alabama

When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world.
'No, but you can see it from here.'

Lou Holtz / Arkansas ...

'I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.'

Bear Bryant / Alabama

'There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line.'

Matty Bell / SMU

'Lads,you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.'

Frank Leahy / Notre Dame



'I never graduated from Iowa , but I was there for two terms -

Truman's and Eisenhower's.'

Alex Karras / Iowa



'My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball

and arrive in a bad humor.'

Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

'I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.'

Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State



'Always remember ..... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.'

Shug Jordan / Auburn

'They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces.'

Darrell Royal / Texas



'Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure.'

Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

'They whipped us like a tied up goat.'

Spike Dykes / Texas Tech



'I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: 'Well,Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good.'

Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State



'Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel.'

Bobby Bowden / Florida State



'Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.'

Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team:

'All those who need showers, take them.'

John McKay / USC



'If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.'

Murray Warmath / Minnesota



'The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb.

To be a back, you only have to be dumb.'

Knute Rockne / Notre Dame



'Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.'

Spike Dykes / Texas Tech



'It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it.'

Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

'We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.'

Darrell Royal / Texas



'We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.'

Wilson Matthews / Little Rock Central High School



'Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad .'

Darrell Royal / University of Texas



'I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.'

Knute Rockne / Notre Dame



'Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football'

John Heisman

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal. 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer -----

Well, that's not enough information...........Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer ------

BANG!

Redneck's Answer ------

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....

(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"

Wife: "You are NOT taking that to the taxidermist!"