Jokes & Humorous Stories

[QUOTE=Gorilla69][url]http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2007/10/13/1191696214489.html[/url]

I am buying plane tickets tomorrow.[/QUOTE]

An average of 20 partners... per week? per month? per year?

"Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed
with sex as an average man."
--A Smarrt Guy

What's the difference between sugar and Sweet & Low?
Sugar's when you kiss her on the lips ..........

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife? Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope

That you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Sitting in the bar a man asked his friend, "You're 40 years old. How come you are not married?" His friend replied: "I just haven't found the right woman yet."

The man then asked, "What's the right woman like?"

The friend thought for a moment and said, "She's got to be real pretty, loves to fuck and suck, occasionally take it straight up the ass, be a good cook and housekeeper. She also has to have a really good personality, lots of money and a big house."

The first man snorted, "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU"

His friend answered, "That's OK, I don't give a shit if she's crazy"

1. ****** have the ability to share their most private and sensitive body parts with total strangers.
2. ****** have good senses of humor.
3. ****** challenge sexual mores.
4. ****** are playful.
5. ****** are tough.
6. ****** have careers based on giving pleasure.
7. ****** are creative.
8. ****** are adventurous and dare to live dangerously.
9. ****** teach people how to be better lovers.
10. ****** are multi-cultured and multi-gendered.
11. ****** give excellent advice and help people with their personal problems.
12. ****** have fun.
13. ****** wear exciting clothes.
14. ****** have patience and tolerance for people that other people could never manage to put up with.
15. ****** make lonely people less lonely.
16. ****** are independent.
17. ****** teach people how to have safer sex.
18. ****** are a tradition.
19. ****** are hot and hip.
20. ****** are free spirits.
21. ****** relieve millions of people of unwanted stress and tension.
22. ****** heal.
23. ****** endure in the face of fierce prejudice.
24. ****** make good money.
25. ****** always have a job.
26. ****** are sexy and erotic.
27. ****** have special talents other people just don't have. Not everyone has what it takes to be a *****.
28. ****** are interesting people with lots of exciting life stories.
29. ****** get laid a lot.
30. ****** help people explore their sexual desires.
31. ****** explore their own sexual desires.
32. ****** are not afraid of sex.
33. ****** hustle.
34. ****** sparkle.
35. ****** are entertaining.
36. ****** have the guts to wear very big wigs.
37. ****** are not ashamed to be naked.
38. ****** help the handicapped.
39. ****** make their own hours.
40. ****** are rebelling against the absurd, patriarchal, sex-negative laws against their profession and are fighting for the legal right to receive financial compensation for their valuable work.

One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.

After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"

Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its your mom is it?!"

Joe runs into Brian at the hardware store. "I heard you're dating Carol lately," says Joe. Brian replies, "That's right, I am."

Joe asks, "Man, how can you stand to look at her? I'm sorry, Brian, but that gal is UGLY!"

Brian answers, "That's okay, Buddy! All I ever see is the top of her head, and she has pretty hair!"

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from
his pond.

The Amishman shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen."

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in
English."

The Amishman says: "Use two hands,.You'll get more."

One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.

The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.

She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.

An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."

He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."

She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.

"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

Something the old lady and I are working on:

FUCKING CONTRACT

The parties hereto, the Fucker and the Fuckee, hereby agree to and accept the following terms.
1. The Fucker shall have the right to the minimum of one fuck in the position(s) of the fucker’s choice not less than once per calendar month but no less often than once every 45 days.
a. The Fucker shall receive one additional fuck on the Fucker’s birthday and on the Fuck couple’s anniversary.
b. Should the Fuckee fail to provide said services (see paragraph 1) Fuckee will be obligated to provide said Fuck and one blow job during the next calendar month. Further delinquencies will result in the withholding of compensation until delinquencies are remedied.
2. The Fuckee shall receive at least one piece of jewelry per month from the Fucker. Said jewelry shall be appropriate for the Fuckee to wear and of adequate value and workmanship to compensate for such fucking as is done. Additional gifts or such substitutions as the Fuckee desires may be exchanged for additional fucks or blow jobs. Additional compensation may be rewarded for exceptional services.
3. Should the parties mutually agree to additional fucks, oral sex, orgasmic manipulation or other like sexual activities in addition to the contracted numbers negotiations may be held as to compensation. Preparing breakfast, doing extra household work or other such items of value may be considered compensation at times.

[QUOTE=Benchseats Rock]An average of 20 partners... per week? per month? per year?[/QUOTE]

I think it's lifetime.

Mike was seeing his shrink and he asked what Mike looked for in a woman. Mike replied, "Big tits."

The shrink clarified, "No, I meant for a serious relationship." Mike replied, "Oooh, OK, seriously Biggggg TITS!"

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you would want to spend the rest of your life with?" queried the psychiatrist.

Mike sat there laughing on the couch until his gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one woman?" Mike replied. "Forget it. No woman's tits are that big!!!"

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in P... E... N... I... S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**