Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
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Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
[url]http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2007/10/13/1191696214489.html[/url]
I am buying plane tickets tomorrow.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5, 000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5, 000. She gives him back his $5, 000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."
A boy is at his grandparents house and he walks on to the porch and sees his grandfather drinking a beer. the boy goes up to his grandfather and says "Can I have a sip grandfather?" the grandfather then asks, "Can your penis touch your asshole?" the boy looks at him and shakes his head no. the grandfather then tells him he cant have a sip.
The next day the boy sees his grandfather out on the porch smoking a cigar. the boy asks "Can I have a puff grandfather?" the grandfather then asks, "Can your penis touch your asshole?" the boy looks at him and shakes his head no. the grandfather then tells him he cant have a puff.
the boy's grandmother made cookies for the boy the next night and the grandfather saw him eating them on the front porch. the grandfather walks up and says "Hey can I have a cookie?" the boy asks "Can your penis touch your asshole?" the grandfather eagerly shakes his head up and down. the boy then says "Well go fuck yourself cause these cookies are mine.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the _object_. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, bark, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years. Canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butts. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember:
Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't want to wear your clothes
9. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, And...
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their Children.
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad, " gushed son number one, a Doctor. "Sorry I'm running late. Had an emergency accident victim in the operating room at the hospital. You know how it is. "Didn't have time to get you both a present"
"Not to worry, " said the dad. "The important thing is that we're all here together today. "
Son number two, a CEO of an Electronics firm, arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad. "Just flew in from L. A. From a stockholders meeting. " "Didn't have time to get you a present. Sorry. "
"It's nothing, " said the father, "Glad you were able to be here. "
Just then the daughter, an insurance broker, arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry I'm late, but I'm going to Europe on an important company insurance issue and I was really busy packing. "Didn't have time to get you guys anything. "
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today. "
After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to scrimp and save and raise each of you and send you to college. And you've all done very well. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but. With the work and all, well, we just never found the time to get married. "
The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're all bastards? "
"Yep, " said the dad. "Cheap ones too!"
The petite young blonde was being interviewed for a rather high-level executive position in the advertising agency.
Finally, the interviewer concluded with, "I like your style Miss Benson. I think you'll do just fine. All we ask is that you put out."
"Errr, uhh, err, sir." she said, somewhat taken aback. "Are you referring to work or sex?"
"Well, 'lil lady," he replied, "around here, if you don't do one, you had better be doing the other."
A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering.
The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-Boston." Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down.
The next guy stood and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland." He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down.
The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami." The would-be therapist fell to her knees and began performing, blowing the guy with gusto.
After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"
He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach!"
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
>You should start out dead, get it out of the way.
>You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.
>You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension,
>then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You
>work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
>You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get
>ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you
>play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend
>your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating,
>spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish
>off as an orgasm.
>
>This has got to be a better way cause getting old sucks!
The LOVE STORY OF RALPH & EDNA
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day.
While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. " The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindlessness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, . But he's dead. "
Edna replied. "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How soon can I go home?"
She starts talking about this really great new drink. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice. " So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue. Salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys. Very pleasant, holding it in his mouth. He thinks. This is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits. At two seconds the Baileys curdles. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Good God! What do you call that drink? "
She smiles at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge ".
A married couple go to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, lets talk about something you both have in common."
The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick".
A family, all NY Yankee fans, went shopping for the youngest boy's birthday.
At the sports shop the boy picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his sister, "I want to be a Red Sox fan and I want this Boston Red Sox jersey for my birthday."
His sister is outraged and whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to mother."
Off goes the little lad with a Red Sox jersey in hand and finds his mother.
"Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan so I want this jersey for my birthday."
Mom is outraged and promptly whacks him around the head and says, "You go talk to your father!"
"Dad, I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."
Dad is outraged and whacks his son in the head. "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
Half an hour later they're all back in the car, heading home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something very important today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good! what have you learned?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Red Sox fan for an hour and already I hate all you Yankee bastards!"