Jokes & Humorous Stories

How are women like snowflakes?
They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can all be cold as ice.
And they all melt when they land on your face.

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The young man smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor guy broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day. and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me!

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box!"

Okay men I've read alot of CE ads claiming you give good head but when an actual hook up occurs some of you don't have the slighest clue in hell as to what it is you are doing. And just because you love giving head doesn't mean you give it well so here are 5 small tips to help you and your lady out...

1.) There is more to it than the clit: The clit isn't the only part of the vagina that loves attention during 69. The vagina isn't just for your dick. So stop ignoring it. Put your finger(s) in it, use a vibrator, a carrot (not my thing but I thought I'd throw it out there), something, ANYTHING but play in it please. I mean for crying out loud your face is covered in lady juices so why are you afraid of getting your hands dirty?

2.) You have options: Speaking of the clit, there are more sensations we like other than you flicking it with the tip of your tounge. Suck it, bite it (not too hard- I can not stress this enough) or agian use your hands and give it a little break so she doesn't orgasm in 30 seconds or less. Alternate and repeat. Do you like it when a woman just bobs up and down on your dick with her mouth and nothing else or do you like it when she sucks the whole thing, then just the tip, licks it, grabs it and jacks you off while sucking it and plays with your balls? We like a little variety too.

3.) Rug Burn = No fun: Shave your face or at the very least trim your mustache. No woman on this entire planet thinks having rug burn on her inner thighs is col. We do have to get up and go to work/school/shop when you are done. We need to be able to walk without being in constant pain. Not being able to walk because of the earth shattering orgasm one thing and is totally diferent than being in pain because our thighs are chaffing.

4.) Her thighs are not there just to get in the way: You don't just have to rush right in and start going at it like you're starving, kissing a ladies thighs can only go one of two ways- a. it'll turn her on even more or b. she's laugh like crazy cause it tickles, either way its fun so stop using them to prop yourself up. Rub them while you're eating her out, grab them and pull her legs open but just stop pretending like they aren't there. They are an erogenous zone.

5.) Its not going to break: There are some men who eat pussy like if they get too close or too into it its going to break. You do this too when having sex. If your lady likes it a bit harder during sex she probably wouldn't mind you losing yourself and letting go when your face is in between her legs. Bury your face in there, swim around, come up for air and then dive back in. The vagina is attached. It will not break, it will not come off, it will not need to go in and be redetailed if you bang it up a bit with your mouth so stop treating it like a new Sabb and rough it up a bit. Touch it and act like you love doing it. If you say you love eating pussy then EAT IT don't just taste test it.

Thank you

I have decided, after much deliberation, that I will no longer be having sex.

It has taken me 9 years of unsatisfactory sex to realize that men are clueless in bed and that my time will be much better spent pleasuring myself. I am aware that I will be spending a lot more money on AA batteries and I have come to terms with that. I will still be saving money, by not having to buy condoms.

I just want to make it clear that it is not that I cannot have an orgasm, I have them all the time, just not with someone else in the room, it is just that guys do not get what it takes to get a woman off.

For the other girls out there that have not become completely disgusted with the lack of sexual ability among men, I will lay out these rules for men to follow:

1-Breasts are attached. They are a part of our body and grabbing them so hard that they are literally lifted from the chest DOES NOT feel good. It hurts.

2-Nipples are sensitive. This means that sucking them is good. Gently holding one in your teeth while flicking your tongue across it is good. Some LIGHT biting is good. Biting them like you would a steak, all the while asking "how does that feel baby?"...not good. It fucking hurts.

3-There are more to our breasts that the nipples and the entire breast would like attention too. Just make sure that you have read rule #1.

4-Fingering is a multi step process. First off if a girl is not wet, don't try to stick two fingers up her. That will just hurt her. Make sure she is wet. If she is not, make out with her, play with her breasts a little and that should do the trick. Girls like the feeling of being fucked with a guy's fingers, but please make sure that your fingers are not all dirty, do not have hangnails, or anything else that can make us uncomfortable. Also, the majority of women do not have an orgasm from pentration. Now men, I know that this is a blow to your ego because most of you believe that you can get a woman off from a good hard fucking every time. The women are faking it, and yes, this has happened to every single guy. Every single one, you are not a sex god.

5-The clit is a delicate thing. #5 will deal with fingering the clit. Oral sex will be talked about next. The clit is the center of a woman's sex life. We love our clits, they bring us lots of joy. If you are going to rub it, please keep that finger wet. Rub it gently. Remember that the more excited we get the more excited our reaction gets. That is not an invitation to start rubbing it harder, it means we love the way you are doing it at that time. Don't change it. Do not try to press into it super hard, or rub it out with the pad of your thumb. Nothing can make a girl turned off quicker than a pained clit.

6-Oral sex should not be as dull as watching paint dry. Most girls loved to be eaten out. It is awesome when done properly. Lick the entire thing, but remember the clit is your friend. You want a girl to go crazy, alternate between her clit and the rest of her pussy. But...once she starts getting close, concentrate on the clit. It is okay if you want to take you fingers and spread her lips to fully expose the clit while your tongue works magic in it. Also, some girls like to have you fuck them with a few fingers right before they come, while you CONTINUE to lick their clit. Fucking a girl with your tongue will feel nice to her, but seeing again that the majority of women do not orgasm from pentration, we will not get off from it.

7-Fucking is not a race. Sex is great, it feels wonderful. Even though I will not orgasm from sex, it still feels amazing. Take your time. I did not get a brazilian bikini wax and spend $100 on new underwear to have something that lasts for 3 minutes. I don't care if you are so worked up that you have to bust a nut. Think of something else, think of Rosie O'Donnell or your great Aunt Esther, or anything to calm yourself down and let us enjoy a good hard dicking. There should be a ten minute minimum and 30 minute maximum of pure fucking that is mandated by law. Of course there are days where a quick fuck is in order, or a marathon session is desired, but as a general rule, the above time frame works. We like it gentle and hard, but please do not fuck us so hard that our heads are banging into things. Concussions have no place in the bedroom.

8-Variety is the spice of life. Sometimes us girls want to just be taken missionary style, sometimes we want to be your dirty girl that takes it from behind doggie style while you grip our ponytail with one hand and finger our ass with the other. Sometimes we want to take control and just ride you off into the sunset, sometimes we want slow Sunday morning side sex that is more for intimacy that sexual pleasure.

9-Talk dirty to us. Call me you *****, your dirty little ****, tell me what you want-in detail. Tell me to suck your cock. Tell me play with myself as I lick your balls. If this kind of talk is broken out every once in a while as a surprise (and only in the bedroom), it can make things really hot.

10-Don't be afraid to try new things with us. It is ok, if you want to ask me to do something to you that is not in the 'vanilla' sex rulebook. You want me to stick two fingers up your ass when I blow you, ask. You want to eat out my asshole as you jerk off then come all over my tits. Just ask. Just remember that girls like to get to know a guy before he breaks out his freakier side and that slightly freaky things should be exception sex. Meaning, most girls would be down with doing non-vanilla things every once in a while with a guy that she cares about a trusts. In fact, most of us get wet at the thought of having a little more freakiness every once in a while. So you want to stick an anal plug in me and move it in and out while we '69', just ask.

Happy learning men, and happy trails ladies. Hopefully this post will do some of you guys some good in bed.

You are not supposed to park where you do – at any time of the day. I consider myself a reasonably nice person that is why you haven’t been ticketed, towed, etc. However, today I draw the line. You have been parking your ugly car in front of my house every Monday through Thursday since January fairly regularly. You are blocking my view of the street.

Perhaps you have merely overlooked the rather larger sign stating the rules for parking in this area whilst concentrating on maneuvering your car perfectly into position; and if that is the case, please, allow me to clarify: There is NO Parking (here) at any time except with an area 14 residential permit. This is a college town and parking is a nightmare, I know. However I presume that your reading skills are not what is at fault here. You think you are being really clever (by avoiding having to purchase a school permit or ride the bus).You know that APD has more important things to do then worry about petty parking crimes and you probably assumed that no one would care. This is WRONG. You are allowed to park permit-free further up the street should you feel the need, but this is a more residential area where “real” people live with their children and would rather you didn’t park wherever and drive around at all hours of the day . . . which leads me to my next point.

DO NOT boff some girl in said car in front of my house, parked illegally on my street, under a freakin street lamp. This is college town, did you think no one would see? I mean seriously dude. If you were that horny, perhaps you should have moved to the backseat – that would have prevented repeated honking of the horn. I would have never even known what was going on if my walls weren’t so thin and the honking so regular (my god who goes on like that for well over an hour on a well lit street in front of a stranger’s house?).

I don’t really care if you have to have sex in your car because you still live at home with mom and dad, I just want to enjoy a peaceful honk-free evening in the serenity of my own home. I do hope you understand this.

If this car (and surrounding area) look familiar to you (see pic.) . . . please, please, please park somewhere . . . anywhere else.

P.S. You look like you’re 12 years old.

Oh yeah and Thank You. I don’t think I will ever be able to own a Toyota. As far as I could tell from the violent rocking of your car, they seem poorly constructed and well quite frankly, now they remind me of you.

A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies when his toupee slides off. As he's groping around for it, his hand goes between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her muff.

She says, "That's it! That's it!"

He says, "It can't be. I part mine on the side!"

This was inspired by a post by Mike in the Philadelphia forum.

[quote]BLOWJOBS DONE BAD
By Dr. Loose

I am Ho
I am Ho
Ho I am

That Ho-I-am!
That Ho-I-am!
I do not like
that Ho-I-am!

Do you like
blowjobs done bad?

I do not like them,
Ho-I-am.
I do not like
blowjobs done bad.

Would you like one
with no care?

I would not like one
with no care.
I would not like one
anywhere.
I do not like
blowjobs done bad.
I do not like them,
Ho-I-am.

Would you like one
from a souse?
Would you like one
in crack house?

I do not like them
from a souse.
I do not like them
in crack house.
I do not like them
with no care.
I do not like them
anywhere.
I do not like blowjobs done bad.
I do not like them, Ho-I-am.

Would you get blown
for high price?
Would you get blown
smelling ripe?

Not for high price.
Not smelling ripe.
Not from a souse.
Not in crack house.
I would not get blown with no care.
I would not get blown anywhere.
I would not get blowjobs done bad.
I do not like them, Ho-I-am.

Would you? Could you?
In a car?
Get blown! Get blown!
Take you far.

I would not,
could not,
in a car.

You may like one.
You will see.
You may like one
behind trees!

I would not, could not behind trees.
Not in a car! You let me be.

I do not want one for high price.
I do not want one smelling ripe.
I do not want one from a souse.
I do not want one in crack house.
I do not want one with no care.
I do not want one anywhere.
I do not like blowjobs done bad.
I do not want one, Ho-I-am.

The train! The train!
The train! The train!
Could you, would you,
by the train?

Not by the train! Not behind trees!
Not in a car! Ho! Let me be!

I would not, could not, for high price.
I could not, would not, smelling ripe.
I will not get blown from a souse.
I will not get blown in crack house.
I will not get blown with no care.
I will not get blown anywhere.
I do not get blowjobs done bad.
I do not like one, Ho-I-am.

Say!
In the park?
Here in the park!
Would you, could you, in the park?

I would not, could not,
in the park.

Would you, could you, in the rain?

I would not, could not,
in the rain.
Not in the park. Not by the train.
Not in a car. Not behind trees.
I do not want one, Ho, you see.
Not from a souse. Not for high price.
Not in crack house. Not smelling ripe.
I will not get blown with no care.
I do not want one anywhere!

You do not like
blowjobs done bad?

I do not
like them,
Ho-I-am.

Could you, would you,
with my teeth?

I would not,
could not,
with your teeth!

Would you, could you,
in a sheath?

I could not, would not, in a sheath.
I will not, will not, with your teeth.
I will not get blown for high price.
I will not get blown smelling ripe.
Not in the park! Not behind trees!
Not in a car! You let me be!
I do not want one for high price.
I do not want one smelling ripe.
I do not want one from a souse.
I do not want one in crack house.
I do not want one with no care.
I do not want one ANYWHERE!

I do not like
blowjobs
done bad!

I do not want one,
Ho-I-am.

You do not like them.
So you say.
Try one! Try one!
And you may.
Try one and you may, I say.

Ho!
If you will listen up,
I have tried and
had enough.

But!
I like blowjobs done swell!
I do! I like them, oh so well!
And I would get blown without sheeth.
And I would get blown with no teeth...

And I will get blown dry from rain.
And in the park. And by the train.
And in a car. And behind trees.
They are so good, so good, you see!

So I will get blown for good price.
And I will get blown smelling nice.
And I will get blown like your spouse.
And I will get blown in my house.
And I will get blown here and there.
Say! I will get blown ANYWHERE!

I do so like
blowjobs done swell!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Girls. Done well![/quote]

"Sex without love is an empty experience,
but as empty experiences go, it is one of
the best."
-- Woody Allen

>A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
> of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80
> mph,enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
> "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
> Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol
> behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to
> 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing?
> I'm too old for this," and Pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
> Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
> his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is
> Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard
> before,I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said,
> "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you
> were bringing her back."
>
> "Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.
>
>

A woman marched into the doctors office with a tiny miserable baby that was howling at the top of its lungs and demanded," Do something about this baby".

After a quick examination, the doctor realized the baby was malnourished. He's obviously not getting enough milk," he said sternly. "is he being breast fed?”

"Yes," replied the woman.

"Then the milk supply isn't adequate. Please take your blouse off."

The woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very thorough
breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging, and sucking each breast at
some length.

Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could see why there was a problem. "You aren't producing any milk at all."

"Of course not," she responded." It's my sister's kid,"

"Why on earth did you come?" asked the doctor in amazement.

"I didn't," she replied, "until you started sucking on the other tit."

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.

The husband drove her out to a popular corner and told her he would wait around the corner in case she had any questions or problems.

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband.

The husband told her to tell the client $100.

She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's was too much! How much for a handjob?"

She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband said, "Ask for $40".

The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear.

Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was extremely well hung.

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"

The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California ?

California became a state.

The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

Basically, it was just like California today-

except the women had real tits
and the men didn't hold hands :D

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University , has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.