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The call girl had just arrived and half a minute later she was flat on her back in bed, completely nude. "I've heard of passionate men," she exclaimed, "but you are exceptional. What's the big hurry?"
"Well, you see," admitted her client, "I forgot I'd sent for you and I just took a sleeping pill."
Did you hear about the Indian Chief who named his daughter "Ninety-nine cents" because she was always under a buck?
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of
a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be
dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the
following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer.
5. They don't like pickup trucks
6. They despise country music
7. They don't love Jesus.
8. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
A guy went into the adult section of a department store to buy condoms. The female clerk told him, "We have the rainbow assortment on sale today, would you like those?"
The guy said, "Sure, I'll take a box."
A few months later, he went into the women's clothing section and saw that this same female clerk had transferred into the maternity section. The guy said, "I'd like to buy a maternity blouse."
The clerk asked, "What bust?"
To which he replied, "One of the damn blue ones!!"
A farmer in rural MT went to the local branch of The First Madison Valley
Bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.
Next week Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.
The farmer looked very pleased. "That bull has serviced all of my cows!
He even broke through the fence, and serviced all my neighbor's cows!
He's been servicing just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"
"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.
"I don't know, but they sorta taste like peppermint.
[url]http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/34693[/url]
A local prostitute was brought before the court for solicitation. The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was claiming not guilty when she had been caught in the act by police. The judge questioned her, expressing her surprise. "I am celibate." the young woman declared."
Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed. "How can you claim you are celibate?" "It is my business to be celibate. I sell a bit here, I sell a bit there."
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death." "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
"My wife and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one." said Jim. "How'd you do that?" asked Mike. "Well," says Jim "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?" "Yeah" says Mike. Jim replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, ''Does it have to be with you?'"
I have some neighbors that are lesbians and they have a child.
It occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian couples that have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid taunting another when he says "My Mom can lick your Mom any time."
After school one day Todd, an eager second-grader, came up to his mother and asked, "Mom, what's a pussy?" Somewhat startled by the question, but directing her answer away from the adult definition, the mother replied, "Son, sometimes people say the word pussy, for short, when they really mean pussycat. You know like Boots, the cat that lives next door. Boots could be called a pussy or better yet, pussycat."
That didn't compute with what Todd heard on the playground that day, but he continued, "Mom, what about a b!tch? What is a b!tch?" She pursued her puritanical theme by answering, "Todd, an adult female dog is commonly referred to as a b!tch. But Son, where did you hear such words?" "From the fourth-graders on the playground, Mom," he replied. "I think you should play with your second-grade friends and stay away from those fourth-graders," the mother stated.
Later, Todd found his dad working in the garage. He went up to his dad and asked, "Dad, what's a pussy?" The dad contemplated how he should answer this delicate question.
Then resolving that an honest question deserves and honest answer, he reached up on the top shelf of his tool bench and took down a copy of the Playboy magazine. He pulled out the centerfold and laid it on the workbench. With a felt-tip pen the dad drew a very tight circle around the vulva of the nude playmate-of-the-month.
Pointing to the centerfold and looking his son square in the eye, the dad said, "Todd, Son, everything inside that little circle is called a pussy!" "WOW," said Todd as his eyes bugged at the small circle. Now that made more sense about what he heard on the playground that day. "Dad, what's a b!tch Todd asked? "Well, Son, a b!tch is everything outside that circle."
I can't really find the humor in this but didn't know where else to post. Def. worth a read. From officer dot com:
CHICAGO --
It was Rocio Palacios who first noticed the woman who appeared to need help.
It was 8 a.m. when she and her husband, Erasmo, dropped their 6-year-old daughter off at school and had picked up their 22-year-old daughter to go out for breakfast when they saw the woman waving her arms at 53rd Street and Kedzie Avenue last November.
The Palacioses, of Chicago, claim the woman approached their car, parked outside Manolo’s restaurant, leaned in to the passenger side where Rocio was sitting and asked Erasmo if he wanted oral sex for $20 or sex for $25.
The couple laughed, realizing this wasn’t a woman in distress after all.
But within seconds, Chicago police swarmed the family car, hauling Erasmo Palacios out in handcuffs. He was charged with solicitation of a prostitute
His daughter, who had just run in to exchange her coffee for a hot chocolate, screamed, while his wife cried in fear.
Eight hours later, Palacios, who has no criminal record, was released from custody. And weeks later, charges against him were dropped.
Now, Erasmo Palacios is suing the city and the officers involved in his arrest, saying they violated his civil rights during an incident he described as both frightening and ridiculous.
“I’m so lucky I was with my wife -- imagine if I had to try to tell her and she wasn’t with me,” he said, before laughing at the image. “She’d never believe me. Never.”
A Chicago police report offers few details, saying only that it was Erasmo Palacios who asked for sex, never mentioning his wife in the car or his daughter nearby.
Attorneys Lonny Ben Ogus and Joe Cavanaugh also want to know what happened to the family’s 1983 Mercedes. It was impounded that November day and, Palacios said, his wife and daughter were even threatened with arrest as they tried to stop police from taking it, as they were left stranded that morning.
The city wants more than $4,700 in towing and storage fees if he wants the car back.
City officials declined to comment on the status of the family’s car and the Palacios case, while the undercover female officer involved in the arrest couldn’t be reached.
Copyright 2007, Sun-Times News Group
Overheard in the halls of ****** high school:
Boyfriend: Your breath smells like dick.
Girlfriend's response: How would you know?
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Gangbanger to Teacher: You can't stop me, I'm young dumb and full of cum.
Teacher's response: Maybe you should quit swallowing.
The girlfriend says,
Oh baby don't stop, give it to me, oh don't stop, oh damn harder harder etc.
A hooker says,
HEY! Are you done yet?
A wife says,
Beige, I think we should paint the ceiling beige.
Whoever thought that one-day the only place in town to get gas at a decent price would be Taco Bell?