Top Ten unintentionally funny URLs
Here is a list of ten URLs with an unintended secondary meaning attatched to their names, often the implied meaning would be hobby-related if that were the intended purpose of the site:
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find
the name of the agent that represents a celebrity.
Their domain name is:
[url]www.whorepresents.com[/url]
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where
programmers can exchange advice and views at:
[url]www.expertsexchange.com[/url]
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island
at:
[url]www.penisland.net[/url]
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at:
[url]www.therapistfinder.com[/url]
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator
company…
[url]www.powergenitalia.com[/url]
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery,
based in New South Wales:
[url]www.molestationnursery.com[/url]
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s
always:
[url]www.ipanywhere.com[/url]
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church.
Their website is:
[url]www.cummingfirst.com[/url]
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art
designers, and their whacky website:
[url]www.speedofart.com[/url]
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure
website at:
[url]www.gotahoe.com[/url]
Re : Top Ten unintentionally funny URLs
[QUOTE=Warpig2000]
Here is a list of ten URLs with an unintended secondary meaning attatched to their names, often the implied meaning would be hobby-related if that were the intended purpose of the site....
[/QUOTE]
Very funny , W·p·2000
Almost as funny as *this* Post =
[URL]http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=418246&postcount=22[/URL]
Things You Learn by Watching Movies
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade — at any time of the year.
All beds have special "L"-shaped sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off — even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there. And you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition — even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war — unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
You can see the Eiffel Tower from every window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill — just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will suspend his star detective — or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts — your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds — unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
When turning off you bedroom light at night, the room will not become pitch dark. Instead everthing will have a light blue glow about it.
When being chased: When coming to a staircase, it is necessary to take the steps that go up.
You can go for days without ever having to go to the bathroom.
During any police investigation, it is necessary for the cops to stop at a strip club at least once.
When attempting to flee attackers, no car will start on the first 2 tries.
You can kill anybody by grabbing their head and twisting their neck a quarter turn.
Sisters Of St. Francis House Of Prostitution
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
He soon realizes that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
History of the world, according to students:
[i]One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teache rs throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.[/i]
-Unknown
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul- tivated by irritation. The Egypti ans built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jac ob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece , as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter- ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son' s head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another import ant invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir- gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be- fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac- beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Sh akespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with thei r cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with- out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec- tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abrah am Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torc her and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup- posedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud mu sic. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu- tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were tr embling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a ba roness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a cod e for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Politically In·Correct Humor !!
The month's only four days old — and already I've been called a racist , a pimp , a band·width waster , a closet bigot , in·sensitive , a know·it·all , a jerk , and a bad driver over on my home Board of Providence , Rhode Island
[ that last one *really* hurt = I haven't had a moving violation or an accident in *weeks* !! ]
So here's some NON·P.C. Humor to keep all my detractors riled up =
• [b]IT ALL ADDS UP[/b]
Teaching math in the 1950’s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ??
1960’s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit ??
1970’s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ??
1980’s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20
1990’s: A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living ?? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes ?? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching math in the 21st Century: Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la producción era $80. ¿¿ Cuantos dollares se puede comprar ??
• [b]Who's Your Fave 'Should·a·Been' ?? [/b]
[URL]http://*******.com/zjexq[/URL]
• [b]A Liberal View of "Conservative Humor"[/b]
[URL]http://*******.com/eb5ro[/URL]
Does all of the above got you madder than a Pit Bull with a tooth·ache ??
[s]Good !![/s]
It's like this and like that and like this and uh
Not a joke per se, just a post that came out rather ironic:
Cruising is like hunting--except you are not at the top of the food chain.
Strip clubs are like shopping at a used car lot where, as you may expect, the sales reps are aggressive, wily, avaricious, stoned, or potentially unstable--except that they are dressed in their underwear.
AMPs are like coming home after a long day at work--except your home is a shabby house along a busy thoroughfare, and you are accustomed to taking off all your clothes immediately upon entering, lying down on a table while a diminuitive Asian woman sudses you up and hoses you down, walks on you, gives you a lame but sometimes intrusive massage, then drains you of much of your bodily fluids.
Yes, it is much like that.
Confession is good for the soul
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."
10 photos
RE: Ali - What would you do?(Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha)
I Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha…I got all of you...except for maybe you over there.
I cannot believe it. Even Jackson, he pulled my post in the Joke & humorous section and my pictures. Gotcha, gotcha gotcha… I got you, and you and you over there...I got you too. Where are you minds at? You guys are thinking in the gutter, as usually. I have planned to wait at least one more day, and maybe reel in some others, but since I got the big one, Jackson (whom I hope has a good sense of humor), I am posting how I handled the Ali situation today. And I do so while ROFLMBAO.
I declined. Why? Because Ali (short for Aaliyah, like I said) was nine months pregnant and I felt sorry for the little thing (the baby). Her belly was way bigger then mine. I never noticed her condition as it was hidden by her heavy winter coat. I was flabbergasted that a cool ass hunter like myself could have over looked such an obvious condition. Even when I glanced at her sitting on the couch without her coat on, I never noticed because she had her legs crossed and her arms over her stomach and I was looking at her face not her body.
What were you guys thinking? That I, the CookyJar, would let another man touch my bod, Ugh. I don’t play that. Nope, not the kid.
My question was and still is: would you fuck a nine months along, pregnant SW. Sure I’ve done it with pregos. But, this girl was do any minute. I was thinking to myself, shit, this poor kids got it bad enough without me banging up against its’ head. Moms got it out in the cold, probably addicted, and HIV positive – call me a softy – I just couldn’t do it.
I gave her thirty bucks and told her I knew she was going to get something to get high on, but to please get something healthy to eat. She promised she would. We sat and talked for awhile, and then I got this bright idea, so I took some more pictures. This is the second time I pulled it. No telling how many others would have fallen for the gag if Jackson hadn’t yanked it.
Jackson, I hope I didn’t break any real rules. I would never post transvestites pictures or anything like that, you gotta believe me on that. LOL And, I did post it in the humor section.
Hmmmm! Now where should I post this? Humor section? Philly section? Oh! Well?
Still, ROFLMBAS.
CookyJar
PS: On a sad note. I have been with Aaliyah since the baby was born. I didn’t ask and she didn’t tell. I know the baby is not with her because I know where she lives. I don’t believe she remembers that day. Girls like Ali must blank things out, how else can they stay sane.
PSS: I will post the up to date pictures of Aaliyah in the Philly Section.
How to tell if you are a redneck
How to tell if you are a redneck:
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch
this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen
start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much
gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against
it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on
the side.
22. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
23. Your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.
24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you
home.
25. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with
the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley; and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies. Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit; and soon he, too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing, and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(Yep, you bet there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
Where did the white man go wrong?
Two Eagles, an old Indian chief, sat in his hut on the reservation smoking
a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to
interview him. One US official said to Chief Two Eagles, "You have
observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has
done." The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the two government officials for over a minute, and
then he calmly replied; "When white man found the land, Indians were
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did
all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and
fishing, All night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled
before he added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve
system like that."
