Jokes & Humorous Stories

Nightstand Picture

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband? " he nervously asks. "No, silly, " she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then? " he continues. "No, not at all, " she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother? " he inquires, hoping to be reassure. "No, no, no! " she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then? " he demands. "That's me before the surgery. "

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells good.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells good?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget!"

The Biker at the Bank

A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account.

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank "

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that sort of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see, " says the manager, "and is this ***** giving you a hard time?"

Taming the Lion

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, licks and kisses her privates for several minutes and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The older man replies, "No problem, just get that damned lion out of there!!!"

SENIOR MOMENT

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

That one reminds me of an Old Classic =


This little old lady goes into a Biker Bar . She walks up to the biggest , meanest looking guy standing at the bar ,
and taps him on the back [ she's too short to tap him on the shoulder ]

He spins around ; looks down ; and snarls = " What the F**k do YOU want ?? "

" Are you guys the Hells Angels ?? " she asks

He sez = " YEAH .... what's it to ya ?? "

She says = " Well , I wanna Join Up !! "


He breaks into a broad Grin , *winks* at his buddies , and says =

" SURE , Lady ... You can Join Up .... but , first , you gotta QUALIFY !!
.... You ever been in PRISON ?? "

" Uh ...... No "

" You ever KILLED Any·One ?? "

" Uh ...... No "

" You ever been in ANY kind of trouble with The Law ??? Ever been ... *hee!*hee!* .... pulled over by The Fuzz ?? "

She says =

" No .... but I've been whipped around by the tits a few times !! "

Day·light Savings Time begins today , Gentle·men =

Did you remember to set your cocks ahead an hour ??

An old hillbilly is sitting on his porch when a young lad happens by, carrying a roll of wire fence. The old guy says: "Boy, where are you goin' with that there wire?" The young fella says: "This ain't no ordinary wire, this is chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens." The old one laughs and says: "Boy, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire!" Later on, the Young fella comes back with a bunch of chickens entwined in the chicken wire, much to the shock of the old man.

A day later; the boy passes the same old man on the porch. This time he's carrying a roll of tape. The old man says:"Boy, where you goin' with that there tape?" The boy says:"This ain't no ordinary tape, this is duck tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks." The old guy laughs again, and says: "You can't catch no ducks with duck tape!" Again, the boy returns with several ducks stuck to the tape, and the old guy still can't believe it.

On the 3rd day; the boy passes by the old man again. This time he's carrying a tree branch. Once again the old man asks: "Boy, where you goin' with that there tree branch?" The boy says: "This ain't no ordinary tree, this is pussy willow." The old guy says: "Wait a second boy, let me go get my hat."

[font=edwardian script ITC][size=5]K.J. Baltimonger[/font][/size]

This is a real ad I copied from the CL:

Nude Folk guitar lessons - m4ww - 53

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: [email]pers-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org[/email]
Date: 2006-04-06, 12:31PM CDT


"Learn to play guitar in the nude. Strum along to favorite folk songs. You'll see why a guitar is cut the way it is. Private lessons in your home or area you are comfortable. Reasonalble rates. I'm a professional performer and songwriter will make it easy for you."

I would like to know if this got him laid.

BB

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, that might be OK in California and Wyoming, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas!"

A man arrived home from work at his usual hour to find it had not been one of his wife's better days. Nothing he said or did was right.


Around seven o'clock, he suggested that he go outside, pretend to have just gotten home from work, and start their evening all over again.


His wife agreed.


He went outside, returned with a big smile, and announced, "Honey, I'm home!"


She scolded, "And exactly where have you been? It's after seven o'clock!"

Things You Learn From Marriage



During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.


"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"


Tom responds, "Well, I learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness, and many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single in the first place."

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm
starving."

great video of pimp getting decked!



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