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Three Vampires walk into an English Pub.
The first one orders a Merlot.
The second orders a Cabernet.
The third orders hot water.
The other 2 look at him and say "going soft in your old age?"
The drinks arrive at that moment and the third pulls out a used tampon and replies, "Tea."
MESICAN STYLE
A Mesican from the valley found himself in San Antonio and decided to approach a prostitute down on the River Walk. He asked her, "How mush do you sharge for the hour?"
"$100," she replied.
"Do you do Mesican style?" he asked.
Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused.
He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it Mesican style."
Again she declined. Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer.
"I'll give you $500 to go Mesican style with me! What do you say?"
Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over ten years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdoes from all over the world. How kinky could Mesican style be?"
After an hour of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said, "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Mesican style' come in?"
The Mesican popped open a can of beer and replied, "I pay you next Friday when I get my sheck."
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating **** once
in a while too
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession
to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you
doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to
get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and
starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole."
Two buddies were driving down a stretch of road when they encountered a low bridge with a height warning sign stating "Caution - 13 feet."
Driver says "Our truck's too high at 14 feet, we can't go through that!"
Passenger says "Let's go out and take a look."
Driver says "OK."
The two buddies go out and take a look at their truck height and the height limitations of the low bridge and look around.
Passenger says "I think we'll be all right, let's keep on truckin'."
Driver says "Are ya really sure?"
Passenger says "Yeah buddy. I don't see any cops around so let's haul ass and make a go fer it!"
Stay Safe
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or it can be a condition imposed by certain unintentional displays of stupidity, to with:
While attending a marriage therapy weekend, Allan and his wife Valerie listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know what is important to each other. "
He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower? "
Allan leaned over, touched Valerie's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it? "
And thus began Allan's life of celibacy.
A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll
tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If
there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from
you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case; we'll make you rich.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The
farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a
stake. Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.
Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, \
"Doesn't that calf have a mother?
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked,"I can't hear a word your're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about!"
Q: What's the definition of eternity?
A: From the time you cum, 'till the time she goes home
[url]http://www.filecabi.net/fullscreen.php?cid=showthem_uncensored[/url]
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors
is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and........
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
From the Tuesday night 8 / 28 Jimmy Kimmel Live! show =>
[i]" Conservative Sen. Larry Craig pled guilty to playing footsie with an undercover
police officer in the men’s room at the Minneapolis airport. Now he said he made a
mistake. He shouldn’t have pled guilty. The police report says he tapped his foot,
which means “I want gay sex.” It also means I’ll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again. "[/i]
[QUOTE=PsyberZombie]From the Tuesday night 8 / 28 Jimmy Kimmel Live! show =>[i]" Conservative Sen. Larry Craig pled guilty to playing footsie with an undercover police officer in the men’s room at the Minneapolis airport. Now he said he made a mistake. He shouldn’t have pled guilty. The police report says he tapped his foot, which means “I want gay sex.” It also means I’ll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again. "[/i][/QUOTE]
Psyber: Good job, Jimmy hit that one out of the park! Here's my experience:
I can't hardly stand still when a really good live band is playing. I heard one the other night, I was standing at the bar, my foot was tapping pretty furiously. There were quite a few good-looking ladies but most were either into the band and their music or stuck up. The guys there were really friendly. Several came up to me at the bar and offered to push in my stool.
Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.
Jimmy and Johnny are standing at the pearly gates, waiting for St Peter to let them in. Jimmy says to Johnny "I died of hypothermia, how did you die?"
Johnny replies " I thought my wife was cheating on me, so one day I decided to come home early and catch her in the act. I got home and ran all over the house and never did find her. I had a heart attack from all the activity."
Jimmy says "Oh man, you should have checked the walk in freezer, we would both be alive!"