Jokes & Humorous Stories

Confucius Says....

... he who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands.
... wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
... he who sniff coke, drown.
... Macintosh computer, like man making love in cemetery, fucking near dead.
... man piss in wind, wind piss back.
... man who pull out too soon, leave rubber behind.
... man who eat pussy, do lip service.
... man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily dentist
... girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick.
... men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole,
women have more.

[QUOTE=Headfirst]Confucius Says....

... he who sniff coke, drown.
[/QUOTE]


You can drown!?

Oh wait... I get it now....

A recently widowed Jewish lady, Golda, was walking on the beach in Florida. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had placed his blanket on the sand nearby, and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.

Golda persisted. "Do you like pussy-cats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket on to Golda, ripped off both their clothes, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Golda gasped and asked, "How did you know that is what I wanted?"

And he said....."How did you know my name was Katz?"

My 80 year old uncle said to me when we were carrying my grandmother's casket, and he saw a guy with his hands in his pockets:

"Confucius says man who walk around with hand in pants pocket is feeling cocky".

The Cowboy & The Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he

sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work.... You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...

'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.'' ''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.''' ''Keep going!'' I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?'' ''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. According to the Nurse attending, the patient's GIRL FRIEND found the wedding ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.




I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

3) Discovering that your penis fits your wedding ring.

The kindergarden teacher asked the kids what they wanted to be when they will grow up ?

Little Bob : I want to be a doctor and work with the sick
Little John: I want to be a lawyer and defend people
Little Paul: I want to be a politician and make good policies for the people.
Little Steve: I want to be a farmer , have a lot of land and animals and feed the people
Little Mary: I want to be a hooker and take all their money.

My good friend Murray visited me in the hospital. I was wired like a cheap stereo with fluids going into various veins. Murray asked, "What happened dude?" I responded, "The other day I was walking by this convention center and I heard a crude remark made towards me. I told them to blow me. Little did I know it was the international nymphomaniacs convention. Six days later the police found me in the gutter. I had lost 30 pounds and later at the hospital it took 12 hours of surgery to get the smile off my face."

[QUOTE=Headfirst]My good friend Murray visited me in the hospital. I was wired like a cheap stereo with fluids going into various veins. Harry asked, "What happened dude?" I responded, "The other day I was walking by this convention center and I heard a crude remark made towards me. I told them to blow me. Little did I know it was the international nymphomaniacs convention. Six days later the police found me in the gutter. I had lost 30 pounds and later at the hospital it took 12 hours of surgery to get the smile off my face."[/QUOTE]

And it apparently caused you to forget what your good friend's name was.

[QUOTE=Baltimonger]And it apparently caused you to forget what your good friend's name was.[/QUOTE]

You're right, Balti, but Murray did have a lot of hair and my brains had been sucked out through my dick! It was worth it.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." <?xml:namespace prefix = o />

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?" Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him
the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar."OK," the bartender says,
"Here's what you need to do:

First , You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have
to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm
during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,

"Wherez zat tequila?"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears
streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the
people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

Jack and Jessica met on the beach, fell in love with each other at first glance, and after three days, were married. The wedding night was just as successful as it could be, but when Jessica awoke the following morning, she found her husband dressing. She said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Jack said, "Darling, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you that I'm a golf fiend. I play golf every day, I enter every tournament. I am afraid that you will rarely see me."

Jessica nodded and said, "Well, that's all right. After all, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you, either, that I'm a hooker."

Jack said, "Oh sweetheart that's nothing - don't worry about that for not even a minute It's easily corrected by holding the golf club like this........."