What we have to look forward to
The elderly couple walked into the doctor's office and said, "Sonny, we just met a few days ago, and we have a special request. We'd like you to watch us make love." The doctor thought that was odd, but he agreed. The couple took off their clothes and went at it on an examining table. When they were through, the doctor said, "I didn't see anything unusual. In fact, You've both got great stamina for your age." The couple thanked him and left. To the doctor's surprise, they arrived for another appointment and made the same request. The doctor again told them they were fine. But when they came back a third week, the doctor said, "I think you're both being overly cautious. There's no need for you to come here to make love." The elderly man said, "Yes, there is, Sonny. You see, we're both married to other people, so we can't screw at home. A motel room is $50. You only charge $40, and Medicare covers 80% of that!"
Marital Bliss (sounds like an oxymoron to me)
An expert on marital bliss recently offered the following key to marital bliss: "Never argue with your wife, just dicker."
Why Every Boy Needs a Father to Learn Life's Truths
After school one day Todd, an eager second-grader, came up to his mother and asked, "Mom, what's a pussy?" Somewhat startled by the question, but directing her answer away from the adult definition, the mother replied, "Son, sometimes people say the word pussy, for short, when they really mean pussycat. You know like Boots, the cat that lives next door. Boots could be called a pussy or better yet, pussycat." That didn't compute with what Tod heard on the playground that day, but he continued, "Mom, what about a b!tch? What is a b!tch?" She pursued her puritanical theme by answering, "Todd, an adult female dog is commonly referred to as a b!itch. But Son, where did you hear such words?" "From the fourth-graders on the playground, Mom," he replied. "I think you should play with your second-grade friends and stay away from those fourth-graders," the mother stated. Later, Todd found his dad working in the garage. He went up to his dad and asked, "Dad, what's a pussy?" The dad contemplated how he should answer this delicate question. Then resolving that an honest question deserves an honest answer, he reached up on the top shelf of his tool bench and took down a copy of the Playboy magazine. He pulled out the centerfold and laid it on the workbench. With a felt-tip pen the dad drew a very tight circle around the vulva of the nude playmate-of-the-month. Pointing to the centerfold and looking his son square in the eye, the dad said, "Todd, Son, everything inside that little circle is called a pussy!" "WOW," said Todd as his eyes bugged at the small circle. Now that made more sense about what he heard on the playground that day. "Dad, what's a b!tch" Todd asked? "Well, Son, a b!tch is everything outside that circle."
Sorry about this one right off the bat.
A girl comes home from her first day of work at her very first job. She tells her dad she did not get paid today and it will be 2 weeks before she will see any money.
She asks her father if she could have a few bucks until she gets paid. He says "yea but its going to cost you a bj."
She agrees and starts in on the bj. She looks up and says " dad your thing smells like poop"
Dad says "well your grandpa came by today and needed a few bucks for his meds."
