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A 2006 study by Texas A&M University found that the average American
walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an
average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per
gallon.
Not bad!!
A guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "I think my privates are too small." He tells the doc.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager," he replies, quite bemused. "Aaaahhh. There's your problem," says the physician knowingly. "It shrinks things, those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc. "No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"
Cinderella was sitting on her porch just weeping and sobbing when suddenly a Magic Fairy came by and asked her why she was crying. She told the Fairy that she was always forced to work on the pumpkin farm and therefore never found any time to meet guys and never got laid.
Upon hearing this, the Fairy suddenly took out her magic wand and pointed it at the pumpkin and turned it into the most beautiful dildo a girl could ever dream of. However, she warned her that she can only use this dildo until midnight and not to dare try it longer than that.
Obviously, Cinderella paid no attention to the warning and started to have fun with the dildo totally loosing track of time. When the Fairy came back the next day, she realized that Cinderella was still crying except only harder and louder and obviously in a great deal of pain!
She immediately went down to her and asked her how yesterday went and Cinderella said it went really well until Midnight.
"So what are you crying about?" the Fairy asked.
"Because you never told me this thing would turn back INTO a pumpkin after midnight!"
OUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An attractive young woman was in the doctor's office.
The doctor said, "I'll be doing a vaginal examination now."
She said, "Oh, doctor, is that really necessary?"
Oh, wow, did he get mad!
"Listen!" he said, "who is the chiropractor here -- you or me?"
Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love. One said, "Would you believe that out of them of all the women I've been with not a one of them was a virgin? It'd be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have."
"Yeah, Jim, I hear you," said the other. "Out of all the women I've been with I've only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours."
[QUOTE=Bad Bad Boy]Cinderella was sitting on her porch just weeping and sobbing when suddenly a Magic Fairy came by and asked her why she was crying. She told the Fairy that she was always forced to work on the pumpkin farm and therefore never found any time to meet guys and never got laid.
Upon hearing this, the Fairy suddenly took out her magic wand and pointed it at the pumpkin and turned it into the most beautiful dildo a girl could ever dream of. However, she warned her that she can only use this dildo until midnight and not to dare try it longer than that.
Obviously, Cinderella paid no attention to the warning and started to have fun with the dildo totally loosing track of time. When the Fairy came back the next day, she realized that Cinderella was still crying except only harder and louder and obviously in a great deal of pain!
She immediately went down to her and asked her how yesterday went and Cinderella said it went really well until Midnight.
"So what are you crying about?" the Fairy asked.
"Because you never told me this thing would turn back INTO a pumpkin after midnight!"
OUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/QUOTE]
She'd be alright if PETER PETER PUMPKIN EATER does outcalls ;)
(bad, i know- but I HAD to go there!)
After being married 25 years, I took a look at my wife and said, "Honey, do you realize that 25 years ago, I had a cheap appartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond?"
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman ...She told me to go find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,and sleeping on a sofa bed ....
I shut up and took out the trash ... !!
Aren't older woman great .. ?
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis ... !!!
Towards the end of the golf course, Butch hit his ball into the woods
and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball
back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me
to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't
have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life Better still, you
won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life......As a
matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of
your life!!!!!"
Then POOF!.....she was gone!
After Butch recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend; 'Fred,
where are you?" Fred yelled back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Butch shouted back, "DON'T SWING, FRED; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
SWING!"
A tour bus of sight-seeing senior citizens was traveling through northern Nevada. The bus was makiing frequent stops at many landmarks, and the guide would give a little history.
The bus next paused briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks, Nevada. The guide said, "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America."
A lone male voice could barely be heard from the rear of the bus. . . "And so, vhy aren't ve stoppng???"
A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but that she had also castrated her husband and circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, given her minister a harelip.... .... and there were still 5 shaves left!
How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know, we're still waiting on the report of which Republican to blame the blown light bulb on.
I'm not sure I agree with the winner but there's plenty of fun here...
Beer Vs. Vagina
1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER
2. Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA
3. A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER
4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair
between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make
a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may
get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be
had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.
I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in
one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may
suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If
you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA
9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA
11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc.
One point to BEER
17. You always know how much beer is going to cost.
One point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother.
One point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it.
One point to BEER
FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of
those feelings, let alone express them.
You need a woman who will let you have both. LOL
What do people mean when they say their computer went
down on them?
Two lesbians walk into a House of Ill Repute.
They ask for the youngest woman in the joint.
The Madam says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them.
The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here!"
The madam says, "No. I don't serve minors to lickers."