Jokes & Humorous Stories

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three
women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one
of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train.
The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into
a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after
the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save
some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return
trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any
ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet,
and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her
toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "ticket, please."

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father
said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joe
told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling
Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she
was coming too. And I'll be darned if I'm staying here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage & no bike.

Here are some of the best Pick-Up Lines that work in Kansas
(The tree/squirrel is my favorite)

* Did you fart? Cuz ya blew me away.

* Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

* Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

* Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in 'em.

* If you was a tree and I was a squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

* You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a
light switch away.

How can you tell if two lesbians are twins? They not only look alike, but they lick alike too!

I found myself chatting with a slightly middle-aged woman at a club last night. She looked very good for 57. We drank a few, danced a little, and had a few hugs. She asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother-and-daughter threesome," she said.

"Wow," I said, "No, never had anything like THAT."

We drank a bit more, then she said that it must be my lucky night - and the two of us went to her place. She turned on the hall light as we arrived and shouted upstairs, "You still awake, Mom?"

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"

"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."

"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.

He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"

"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

I sat with an older woman at a club last night. She was in great shape for 57,

We drank a bit, had a bit of a conversation & she asked if I'd ever had the Sportsman's Double: a mother and daughter three some?

I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her house.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs..."Hey mom, are you awake?'

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."

Pooooof! With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want an impenetrable wall around Afghanistan , Iraq and Iran , with all believers of Mohammad inside and all Jews, Americans, and other infidels forever outside our precious state."

Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more abou this wall". The Genie explains , "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds these countries...... it's virtually impenetrable. Now what is
Your wish?"

The American engineer smiles and says, "Fill it with water."

Pooooof!

05-23-07 21:46
[quote=Headfirst]I found myself chatting with a slightly middle-aged woman at a club last night. She looked very good for 57. We drank a few, danced a little, and had a few hugs. She asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother-and-daughter threesome," she said.

"Wow," I said, "No, never had anything like THAT."

We drank a bit more, then she said that it must be my lucky night - and the two of us went to her place. She turned on the hall light as we arrived and shouted upstairs, "You still awake, Mom?"[/quote]
Today 14:00
[quote=A John]I sat with an older woman at a club last night. She was in great shape for 57,

We drank a bit, had a bit of a conversation & she asked if I'd ever had the Sportsman's Double: a mother and daughter three some?

I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her house.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs..."Hey mom, are you awake?'[/quote]

Please, tell me where the old woman drinks, so I know to avoid this place.

Here's a list of my favorite things to do..... well, there's sex, you can have sex, sexual intercourse, a quickie, consummate a marriage, couple, copulate, coddle, or commit the act of procreation. You could be making whoopee, making love, love making, scrogging, slapping skin, or sweating to the oldies. You could sleep with someone, sleep together, sleep around, fool around, ***** around, screw around, or just screw, shag, shank, score, fornicate, fork, pork, pump, poke, plank, pound, boff bonk, bop, bone bang, or boink. you could be dancing between the sheets, doing the horizontal bop, the horizontal mambo, the prone boogie, or even the hunka-chunka. You could be
humping, bumping, humping and bumping, bumping uglies, the ol' bump and grind, or making the two backed beast. You could play doctor, hide the salami, hide the sausage, because dammit, it's the most fun you can have with your clothes off. You could break in a new mattress, or give the old one a workout. You could be squeaking the springs, annoying the neighbors, or making a big mistake. You could get them in the sack, get little action, get a little nookie, get a piece of tail, get a piece of ass, get it on, get some, get frisky, get lucky, get laid, get all hot and sticky, or just get it wet, and, i'm not making this up, get a little sticky steak up in this *****. You could be
mounted, mounting, rutting, breeding, starting a family, pulling the train, slamming the stack. Two for me, none for you. Not going anywhere for a while? You could turn a trick, or take pity on the poor bastard and give it away. Happy hammering, hammer, nail, sow your wild oats, lose your virginity, or induce pregnancy the old fashioned way. Take a roll in the hay, a trip to the tunnel of love, or a trip to paradise if you're taking the scenic route. Hit a home run, hit the twizzer, knock boots, tap that ass, shoplift the pootie, plunder the booty, count the ceiling tiles, ruin a friendship, or close the scroat. Do the wild thing, do it, doing it, doing the nasty, the nasty, the old in-out in-out, dip the wick, dip the stick (or if you're with a moron you could stick the dip). Wet the noodle, check the oil, check the temperature, give her the pork sword injection, or the hot beef injection, depending on your religion. Or perhaps even commit assault with a vein laden meat pipe. You could give in, give it up, go for it, go for the gold, go for the gusto, go for broke, or even go all the way, after all, it is the fastest way to the top. You could engage in a fluid transfer, relieve some tension, relieve some pressure, or experience a hormonal episode. There's always my favorite: Help me get the wrinkles out. it's a labor of love, hanky panky, and as a friend of mine once said "the noblest of all causes" or....you could just FUCK!!!

Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and an anorexic prostitute?

A: A fake dollar is a phony buck.

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. 00.

"Why so little, " she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff. "

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam. " The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad. " When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls. "

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Alex".

She got skills....but... errr...



[url]http://forums.sicksitenetwork.com/showthread.php?threadid=95372[/url]

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One astute student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic... $29.99
Clinton... $29.99
Titanic... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton ... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton ... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton ... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton ... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton ... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton ... Let's not go there.

Titanic... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton ... Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton ... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton ... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton ... Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing.

An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant
following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah
Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the
bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though
momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck... I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each
morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then, that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins