Jokes & Humorous Stories

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end."
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife ' s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow ' s butt."
"Still holding the cow ' s tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

I don ' t remember much after that...

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread
and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard
business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya' swallar?" The
woman shakes her head 'no.'
"Kin ya' breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head
'no.'

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly, gives her right butt cheek, a lick
with his tongue!
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out of her mouth! As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly
walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya' know, I'd heerd of dat dere 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

Staggering in from their anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.

"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever."

"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting it."

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn
it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

" Only when he's been drinking."

A group of very attractive young female city employees discovered they could nicely supplement their income by moonlighting as call girls. One of the girls discovered she was more successful as a blonde after having her hair bleached. She convinced the others that the old saying, "Blondes have more fun," is true. The ladies became so popular that they were able to charge exorbitant rates. They even charged their taxi fares to the Johns they served. When hard times hit and the market got soft, they needed a bigger come-on. Some of them understood the economic law of supply and demand, so decided to lower their rates. They decided not to include taxi fares in the fees they charged their customers. They have become known as: The taxi-free municipal blondes.

[QUOTE=Headfirst]A group of very attractive young female city employees ... have become known as: The taxi-free municipal blondes.[/QUOTE]
DC government, right? Oh wait, you said attractive...

[QUOTE=Vargr]DC government, right? Oh wait, you said attractive...[/QUOTE]

DC girls are HOT"

[quote]"As a July 5, 2006 [i]Washington Times[/i] article pointed out, not only are there a lot of young bodies entering the District, with an estimated 20,000 interns coming to D.C. each summer, but there is quite a bit of those bodies on display. The Times article noted an emerging trend of scanty dress around the workplace, citing a large number of girls wearing tank tops, mini-skirts, low-cut spandex tops and flip-flops to the workplace. For flaunting this informal uniform, such ladies have garnered the nickname “skinterns.”[/quote]

[QUOTE=KC Questor]DC girls are HOT[/QUOTE]The original post was a reference to CITY employees, you're talking about federal-level interns mostly working for legislators and lobbyists. DC municipal workers don't exactly look as good, to put it nicely.

Try this: [url]http://www.workingforamerica.org/images/Careerpath.jpg[/url]

Scott had set a double date for himself and his friend Tim. Scott said, "Tim, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're like."

"Okay," said his buddy. "Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blow-job. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels."

"Say no more," interrupted Tim. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."

That's great!

Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so!

Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you?"

Wally replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?," cried Max!! "What in the world for?"

"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, that an old guy like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.

The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury.

The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a wh*re."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent to the principal's office.

Then, 15 minutes later, he returned to class. So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said ,"Yes." "Well, what did the principal say?" asked the teacher. Little Johnny replied, "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

What has 50 teeth and guards King Kong?

My Zipper!

Whoop. Whoop!

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup,
so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."


The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"


The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!!!