Jokes & Humorous Stories

A guy and a gal meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

Over the past few years, scientists at Heinz say they've been developing what they say is a revolutionary new kind of baby bottle. It's a baby bottle actually shaped like a woman's breasts. If that's true, forget baby bottles, make beer bottles.

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, `What in the world happened to you, buddy?'

The guy says `Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit wh*re.'

`Yeah,' says the bartender. `What did she do?'

`She hit me with her bag of quarters!'

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.

"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a
tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants
him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then
instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting
dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me
why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's
nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

Man calls 911 about lap dance money

Gannett Wisconsin Newspapers

CLYMAN — A man called 911 early Saturday when he apparently gave $20 for a lap dance to the wrong woman.

The man gave the $20 to a woman in the T&T Gentlemen’s Club, 942 Main St., Clyman, according to Dodge County Sheriff’s Department dispatch logs.

Unfortunately the woman he gave his money to was not an employee of the club and left with his money without providing the dance, according to the report.

According to the log, dispatchers could hear arguing in the background when the man called 911 on his cell phone.

Officers are trying to locate the woman.

Link : [url]http://www.thenorthwestern.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070422/OSH/304220030/1987[/url]

Bill and Bob were sitting in a bar, and Bob was complaining about his current live-in girlfriend. "I'm telling you, Bill, I've about had it with her. She keeps bringing her work home night after night. I'm seriously considering just moving out and ending the relationship."

"Well," replied Bill, "I can see how that could indeed be very annoying. But having a girl who's interested in her career is hardly a reason to break up."

"It is if your girlfriend's a hooker." said Bob.

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!!"

A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist takes out a needle to give the man a shot of Novacain.

"No way, no needles, I can't stand needles.

"The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas but the man again objects.

"No gas, please the mask on my face is suffocating to me."

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

"No" said the patient "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill."

"It doesn't" said the dentist "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery.

A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"

The manager said "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."

"Doctor, I've got this problem," a man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour everyday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.

"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."

Bad Humor


Well Trained



A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'.


In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.


The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.


Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.


"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."


They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.


"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"


"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."


"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.


"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started

Holy Holes


An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter,"It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there,"says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken advantage of."

"Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that."

"My Girl"