Jokes & Humorous Stories

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had
an itch in her crotch.

She told the doctor her problem and he said,
'You have the crabs.'

She informed the doctor that it could not be the
crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.

She went to another doctor and
explained her problem to him.

The doctor said,
'You probably have the crabs'

'No' she said, 'I am an eighty
year old virgin.'

Frustrated, she went to a third
doctor.

She said, 'Doctor can you help
me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is
the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the
crabs.'

The doctor
said, 'Get on the table and let's have a look.'

After examining, the doctor proclaimed,

'Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs.'

'This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit
flies.'

On the breasts of A barmaid from Wales
Was the prices of Spirits and Ales-
And on her behind
(For the Sake of the Blind)
Was the Same- But written in Braille ! :D

Only an Alabama man can make a woman feel like a woman!!!!!

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane And screamed,

"I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled,
"If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
Memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Alabama named "Billy Bob" stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask yo u a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

A Texas Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked
with an old rancher. He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for
your water allocation.'

The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water Rep. said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government
with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH
on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made
myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep. running for
the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on
the Water Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his
tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...

Your card! Show him your card!'

A Touching Home Depot Story
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new
hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she
was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked...'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness that sure is a lot,' she exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her
to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room
Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a dif ferent note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 180 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE! "

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday, it's unlikely the body will be found.

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.



Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

How Men and Women experience orgasm ...



[url]http://www.santorine.org/adolph/ohyes.html[/url]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything ......

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'
The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye
Grandma.' The next day the grandmother died.
'Holy mackerel! 'thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

The Blind Bunny
-------------------------

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my
fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you
coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear, twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit.'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But , by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any balls............You must be a politician!'

Beer $10.35
Motel Room $39.99
Package of Condoms $ 2.75


Finding out that she swallows and has no gag reflex....

PRICELESS!


Fuck Mastercard .... IT PAYS TO DISCOVER!

THE MOVIE BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

Ruined Things for Cowboys.

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied , 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that
I take her out to some place expensive...............


So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later. The woman said,
'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application. When I got
home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have
dropped your pants. Yo u migh t have gotten disability,
too.'


And then the fight started....
***********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of
his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo
stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I
couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which
one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second from Chicago responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon from Dallas says "No, I really think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

the fourth surgeon from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers ...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine and the head and the ass are interchangeable!"

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at my local bank. Short line, thank goodness.

Just one lady in front of me; an older Asian lady who was trying to exchange Japanese yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change? ! '

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?", she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.

A man and woman are having marital

problems and so they go to see a Marriage counselor....

The counselor, in an attempt to find some common

ground from which to begin his analysis says; 'Well,

why don't we begin by one of you telling me about

anything the two of you have in common.'



The husband spoke up and said,

'Well, neither one of us will suck a dick!

A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

! A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again? '

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass! '

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

The
President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: 'This
is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You
can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a
donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till
the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had
tools to help them.'


Even
further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means
that i f a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek
food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David
which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The
audience applauded enthusiastically.


Then
a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
'Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says:
'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick

Young Andy moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died. " Andy replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back. " The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already. " Andy said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse. " The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him? " Andy said, "I'm going to raffle him off. " The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! " Andy said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead. " A month later, the farmer met up with Andy and asked, "What happened with that dead horse? " Andy said, "I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $998. " The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain? " Andy said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back. " Andy grew up and works for the government.

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers. '

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008!

We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made

You like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers? ! ? '

And Paddy said, ' How was I 'spose to pick dem up?

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic. ' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that. '

'There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays. '

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven. '

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question. ' 'And what is that? ' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?"

My wife and I went to the Tennessee 4-H Stock fair and one of the first exhibits

we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said,

'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR..'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW, that's more than twice a week!

You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs,
and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'


I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete..

The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...
they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.














Still looking at your thumb, aren't you ?

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit. Shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweat shirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms. '

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in you pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.

In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emmanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one's toothbrush!

In a recent survey, people from Akron, Ohio have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Akron residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison.

Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: 'John, don't worry about it.

You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, John.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering,
"Doctor John You're a sick bastard, your a Veterinarian."

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his
word, he made the first contact, Elizabeth .....':

'Is that you, Steve?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'That's wonderful! What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then
have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of
greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the
rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and
then the next day it starts all over again.'

'Oh, Steve you surely must be in heaven!'

'Not exactly .. I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'

At the exact same time, there are two 30-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth:

1. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

2. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?

What ever you do, don't look down!

The Difference

Okay, while we are on the after life, here's one I heard long time ago while stationed in Arizona.

Back in the days of the old west, where the cavalry were there to come to the rescue, there was an old top kick sergeant stationed at some forgotten fort in Arizona. He'd been in the Army for years most of it in the barren desert south west. He finally did what all good soldiers do. He died and went to hell.

Well a couple of weeks after his demise, one of his troopers was in the quartermaster building and saw the old sergeant rummaging through the supplies.

Well the trooper was a bit taken aback, but finally asked the sergeant what he was doing there, he was supposed to be dead.

The sergeant replied he was and that after he'd died, he'd gone to hell. Now he was back to get a few blankets and such because it was cold down there.

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her.
Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her.
Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold
her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and
back again for her.


HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.