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A psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with 4 mothers."You all have obsessions" he said.
To the 1st mother, he said,"You're so obsessed with eating that you named your child Candy."
He turned to the 2nd Mother."You're so obsessed with money that you named your child Penny."
He turns to the 3rd Mother."You're so obsessed with alcohol that you named your child Brandy."
At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers,"Come on, Dick, we're leaving!"
You know you are drunk if you swerve to miss a tree than realize it is the air freshener hanging from your mirror! LMAO
[QUOTE=Jethrow1; 1278236]I visited a friend in NYC once and he took me to a French restaurant for dinner.
We had 6 courses and when it came to the last course I said to the mait-are-dee I'm stuffed.
But he and my friend insisted that I try the house specialty.
So out comes this cute little gal with a bowl of peaches, she sits on the edge of a chair and the the maitradee forks a peach slice then lifts the skirt of this gal and swabs it around in her pussy then places it on my plate.
Outraged I said "do you expect me to eat that peach"
The maitradee says no missur you eat the Pussay[/QUOTE]Bravo. This is great, thanks.
A girl was a prostitute and didn't want her grandma to know. One day there was a raid at a hotel and she was involed along with 10 other girls. The police lined them up outside before taking them to jail. While outside her grandma rode by and saw her so she stopped. She asked the girl," why are she standing in the line", not wanting her gandma to know what was going on she replied,"The police are passing out free oranges so I got in line to get some." The grandma said "oh how nice of them!" and went to the end of the line. The police officer was going down the line getting the girls info. So when he got to the grandma he was schocked and said,"Still at it at your age, how do you do it?" The grandma replied,"Oh it's easy dear, I just take my dentures out and suck them dry!"
What is better than a 10?
A 7 that swallows!
Laharvardkid
[QUOTE=Mystical0945;1278562]You know you are drunk if you swerve to miss a tree than realize it is the air freshener hanging from your mirror! LMAO[/QUOTE]Better yet, you know you are really drunk if you are at a party and someone pisses you off, so you piss them off. Literally.
[QUOTE=Laharvardkid; 1278745]What is better than a 10?
A 7 that swallows!
Laharvardkid[/QUOTE]Awesome! Who care's if she spits or swallows, so long as she gets the job done! RT? Lmao
In Too Far:
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said,"and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor,"Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said,"There's nothing I can do. He's in too far!"
Pickled Penis:
There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.
The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"
Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
A man is at a junk shop and happens to find a really old, tarnished lamp in the back. Just out of curiosity, he rubs the lamp and low and behold, out pops a Genie! The Genie says to him: "You have three wishes my master". The guy thinks for a second and finally he figures out what he's always wanted the most. He says back to the Genie: "I want to be rock hard, I want to be as cold as ice and lastly, I want to get plenty of ass, all the time.".
The Genie says back: "Your wish is my command" and *poof. Turns the man into a toilet.
You,
Girls are absolutely cracking me up. Keep up the good work.
Marc
At a local college, there was a dance.
A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says,"In America, we call this a hug". She replies,"Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says,"In America, we call this a kiss". She replies,"Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says,"In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says,"Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
This guy was walking down the street and he bumped into a really hot girl.
"Hello, sexy!" He said while stopping in front of her "What's your name?"
She didn't answer.
"Well, my name is Barry"
"Okay" she said "Barry what?"
"I can't really pronounce it, so I'll write it down"
So he wrote it down.
She read allowed,"Madickenewe. Barry Madickinewe."
She slapped him and stormed off.
One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied,"Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained,"Well. OK. The mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."
Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said,"Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."
The Queen visits a major hospital to open a new ward.
She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.
On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.
She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.
She asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"
The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."
"Oh, OK then," the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans.
She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.
The queen asks her escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"
Her nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!"
1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis.
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse.
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. The right selection will protect your erection.
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. No glove, no love!
22. Prevent parenthood! Cover your manhood!
23. If you find her online, dress him up every time.
24. To prevent a real stanker, be sure to wrap your wanker.
25. Dress to impress! Contain your mess!