Jokes & Humorous Stories

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of th em.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.! '

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee

Dear "Walter the Advice Guy,"

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,

Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter the Advice Guy

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.

'I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that .. . In case I need to fix it again?'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric.............

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins.
Remember To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn' T Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no I'll effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? '

'No, ' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'.

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At HD Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked, "How much for that faucet?"

Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

"No, but I will for the faucet."

... and this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had be! en to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .. and then there are educators.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go a long.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend:
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Del' and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

So simple yet so profound.

Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson on his 75th birthday:

"I have outlived my dick."

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden on their Wyoming ranch. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, 'Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden.'

What do you call a Mexican hooker that doesnt charge?

A Freeholey!

A husband emerged from the bathroom, naked and was climbing into bed when
his wife complained, as usual ... "I have a headache".

"Perfect", her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis
with crushed asprin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to
you!"

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought
a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked
up a couple of chickens and a
goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my
farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry
this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in
the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and
proceeded to walk the old girl home

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get
in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon
of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens ."

A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.

She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double". A mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night. "

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she shouts upstairs:

"Mom! You still awake? "

1. The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club, and two balls.

2. Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.

3. Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.

5. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.

7. Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.

8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well formed bunkers.

9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

10. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. Most advanced players find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.

12. Course owners shall be the judge of who is the best player.

13. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.

14. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

15. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled; particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.

16. Players are advised to obtain course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

17. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owners request.

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of
whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the
hitch rail.


As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a
young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old
man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did
dance. I just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old
fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's
feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and
turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both
hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the
sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger
slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

Elections from an Irish Point of View

"We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you have a witch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a witch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking rich woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What the hell are you lads thinking over there? "

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.....God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want!

Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

Married Life

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop? "

"I found the remote, " he said.

How to install a wireless security system:

1) Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work
boots, a really big pair.(13 or larger)
2) Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and
Ammo magazine.
3) Put a dog dish beside it & a really big dish.
4) Leave a note on your front door that says something like this!

"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammo - back in 15
minutes.
Do Not disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed and are mad as hell."

Signed, Billy Bob.

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute
that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize
any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he
would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the
drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to
his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."

Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was
right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.
He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a
round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to
sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of
a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to
get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your
hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced,

"Skunk, killed with an axe."

A man applies for a job at the Post Office.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He says 'Yes - just caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you five extra points toward
employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%. An IED exploded near me and blew my testicles
off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right
now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at
10:00
- and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are fr om 8 AM to 4 PM, why
don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'

This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two
hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No
point in you coming in for that.'

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be American!

Lorne checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so he thought I'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

Lorne had grabbed a woman's card when he called a cab to take him from the airport to the hotel. It was an ad for a girl named Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long, wavy hair, long graceful legs that went all the way up to her firm, shapely butt. So Lorne's in his room and figures, "What the hell, I'll giver her a call. "

"Hello? " the woman says. Gawd, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, " Lorne began. "I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now! I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap-on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream. Anything you want, baby. Now, how does that sound? "

"That sounds fantastic, " she said, "But for an outside line you need to press 9. "

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!"

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobber" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way, we can't do it" Cobber says "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." replied Cobber.

"Spot on" Bruce said
.
"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples"? Cobber says, "Not exactly a good time for that is it mate?"
"No" Bruce replied,

"But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive" .

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married, and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I
went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I h ad on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad
passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

*******************
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Worcester
Massachusetts, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's
Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more, "Can
you give me some more details about this?" he asks
the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies -
"Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady
patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help
them out of their underwear, lie them down and
carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply
shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair
then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going
to have to go to Providence, Rhode Island. That's about 100 miles
from here."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"


"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

New Government Seal: Official Announcement: The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of
her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'


Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut. '

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: What word starts wit h an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.


The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE!

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.


The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE!

[QUOTE=SgtPerv]Lorne checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so he thought I'd get one of those girls ... "That sounds fantastic, " she said, "But for an outside line you need to press 9. "[/QUOTE]
... do I still need an outside line?

A teacher was teaching her class to use good manners.

She asks a student, "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you needed to use the bathroom?"

He responded, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not nice to use the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, how would you show your good manners?"

Peter said with a smile, "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad
day........

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
_____________________________
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
_______________________________
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What the hell was I thinking?'
__________________________________
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
___________________________________
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
___________________________________
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
_______________________________________
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
_______________________________________
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
_______________________________________
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
______________________________________
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
_______________________________________
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
______________________________________
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
______________________________________
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
____________________________________
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
______________________________________
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
______________________________________
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
_____________________________________
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer

Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Cons ervative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple e and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid .

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give hi m a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay

18-54 math



A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore , after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please do not be upset. I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

To My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

As you know I am a Math Teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18-years-old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Recently I was asked to play in a golf outing.

At first I said, "Naaahhh. "

Then they said to me, "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids".

Then I thought. Hell.- I could win this thing!

Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America . He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in EastTexas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'