Jokes & Humorous Stories

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgical
procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look
and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...


A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Bill and Hillary
Posted on March 8, 2007 at 18:55:02 by from the Democratic National Committee

Bill and Hillary were at the Yankee season opener sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "I'll kill you! You Mother *%$%**!!!.. The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the First "Pitch"

Two men are sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office. The one looks at the other and says, "What are you here for?" The man answers, "I have a red ring around my pecker. What are you here for?" The man replies, "I have a green ring around my pecker."

Soon the doctor calls the man with the red ring into his office and examines him.

As this man is walking out of the examination room he tells the other guy that the doc says a red ring is nothing to worry about. A minute later the doctor calls the man with the green ring into his office and proceeds to examine him.

The doctor says, "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are likely going to die." The mans is in shock. He says, "What! You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??"

"Yes," says the doctor, "but there's a big difference between lipstick and gangrene!"

"Seniors in Texas "

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "seniors" in
Texas . Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy
boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them,
wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the
house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different
about me?"

Bessie looks him over: "Nope."

Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses,
and walks back into the room completely naked except
for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says: "Ray, what's different? It's
hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells: "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS
HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN
BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Bessie replies: "Shoulda bought a hat,

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips. Yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home. " I Went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? " She said, "No, I hate myself now. "

I knew a girl so ugly, she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off. I knew a girl so ugly they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook; if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

This is pretty cool you can locate your SO exact whereabouts just by entering in the phone number. GPS then takes over and lets you know the exact whereabouts.


[url]http://www.sat-gps-locate.com/[/url]

Top 10 Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the
road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the #1 reason a gun is favored over a woman....
YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?




Before you scroll down for the answer, see if you can figure it out. Come on. Think! How many?





If you're ready to give up, go ahead and scroll down. But you're going to be embarrassed if you don't have the right answer!

A dedicated Teamsters union steward was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local Amps.

When he got to the first one, he asked mamasan, "Is this a union house? "

"No" she replied, "I’m sorry it isn’t. "

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get? "

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20" she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached an Amp where mamasan responded "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

"We observe all union rules. "

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get? "

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20. "

"That’s more like it! " the union man said.

He handed mamasan $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive Korean girl.

"I’d like her, " he said.

"I’m sure you would, sir, " said mamasan. Then she gestured to a 92 year old woman in the corner, "but Sunny here has 67 years of seniority and according to the union contract, she’s next. "

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi ... you know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."


The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is just excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary will be $300,000 per year."

The guy, wide eyed, says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and
pass a
flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting
flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next
three
days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?

A grandson came to visit his grandparents & noticed his
grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocker, wearing only
a shirt, naked from the waist down.
"Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out in the wind
for all to see!" he exclaimed.
Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.
"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with nothing on
below the waist?" he asked again.
Grandpa looked at him & said, "Last week I sat here with no
shirt on & got a stiff neck This is grandma's idea..."

Three men,one german,one japanese,and a hillbilly were sittind naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The german pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my beeper," he said i have a micro chip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. T he Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained , "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand." The hillbilly felt deciidedly low tech,but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive.He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind, The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said...."Well ,will you look at that, I'm getting a fax.

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."