Jokes & Humorous Stories

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-k ay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced
up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized
she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted
out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled, and said, "Business.
I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here with the most goegeous woman he hd ever seen,
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?" She responded, "Lecturer. I use information I
have learned from my personal experiences, to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are
there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is African-American men are the
most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent
who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the
best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Web Sites that Sound Dirty (But Aren't) =


[URL]http://*******.com/dbn97[/URL]

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks
over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now.
Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that
since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could
celebrate that long."

A duck walks into a pharmacy and buys a box of condoms. The clerk asks if he would like to put the condoms on his bill. The duck says "I'm not that kind of duck."

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bedside. "Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? ...pointa to your watch and say, 'Times Up'?"

This sad·looking guy goes in·to a Bar , and starts 'drowning his sorrows'

After his fifth drink , he says to the Bar·Tender =

" Man , I had it ALL !! A huge house.... The finest Cars... a million dollar Stock Port·folio...
... and the Love of a Beautiful Woman

..... Then , *BAM!* —— just like *that!* —— it was ALL Gone !!!! "


The Bar·Tender says =

" That's Awful !! What the fork happened ??!!??!! "


The guy says =

" My Wife found out about the Beautiful Woman "


p.s. For another Joke , go to the Boston » General Reports Board =

[URL]http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=419372&postcount=112[/URL]

A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm, waking his wife.

He says "this is the pig I fuck when you're not in the mood."

His wife says "that's not a pig, it's a sheep."

He says, "I was talking to the sheep."

This guy goes in·to a Toy Store and tells the sales·woman that he wants to buy a Barbie™ doll for his daughter's birthday

The gal shows him one of the more expensive ones , and the guy says =

" Does she come with Ken ?? "

The woman says =

" No.... she comes with G.I. Joe.... she fakes it with Ken "


*********************************************************************

This guy goes in·to a Toy Store and tells the sales·woman that he wants to buy a Barbie™ doll for his daughter's birthday

She starts showing him all the different 'Editions' =

" Here's Malibu Barbie , $ 39.95 .... and Flight Attendant Barbie , $ 39.95 ..... and Brain Surgeon Barbie , $ 39.95 ..... and Divorced Barbie , $ 179.95 "

The guys asks why the 'Divorced Barbie' is so much more than the others

She says =

" Because Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car , Ken's house , Ken's Pension Plan .... "

Bad Humor
At The Car Dealership



A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped.


Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman.


With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"


Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"


Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price

A newlywed couple decided that they would furnish their new home with antiques and decided to visit the local flea market. In one of the stalls, they found a beautiful and ornate mirror that the wife decided would be perfect for the back of the bedroom door. They found the stall owner and asked him about the mirror. He replied, "That one is 500 bucks."

The couple looked at each other in shock and the husband asked, "500 dollars? That's outrageous! Why so much?"

The stall owner replied, "Well, believe it or not, that is a magic mirror. You simply have to phrase your request in a poem, and just like in the fairy tales, your wish will come true. I wouldn't even sell it, but I'm not much for rhyming, and I really haven't the talent to use it much. Just a word of advice, though...be careful how you ask for things, cause it can be pretty literal at times. Oh, and if you find it doesn't work, I'll gladly give you a refund."

The couple looked at one another and decided that they had nothing to loose. That night, after mounting the mirror on the door, the wife stepped in front of the mirror and gave it a try. "Mirror, mirror on the bedroom door, make my boobs a perfect 44!" POOF! The next thing she knew, she was sporting a pair of porn star quality tits! She ran excitedly to her husband and said, "Look at these! It really works!"

The husband then decided to try his hand. He went to the mirror and said, "Mirror, mirror, on the bedroom door, make my dick touch the floor!" POOF! His legs disappeared.

[color=green][b]Did you know Adam and Eve were Irish?
When they were standing naked in the garden of Eden; Adam pointed down at Eve and said "Oh, hair" Eve pointed down at Adam and said "Oh, Tool."

Sometime later tonight, while watching Conan O' Brien, you'll get that one.


An old one:
What do you call an Irish 7 course meal?
A six pack and a baked potato.

What do you call a drunk Irishman?
Redundant.

Sounds like there is a population explosion in the capital of Ireland. Someone told me the other day it was doublin'

[/color][/b]

Bad Humor
Cowboy Honeymoon



A cowgirl married a cowboy. He was a man of the world, while she was an innocent with no experience.


On their first night together, they got into bed and started exploring each other's bodies. Things went fine until she asked, "Oh! What's that?"


He replied, "Well, darlin', that's ma rope."


She slid her hands a little farther down and gasped, "Oh, my! What's that?"


"Why, darlin', them's my knots."


Finally, they started making love, but after a few minutes, she cried, "Stop."


Her panting husband asked proudly, "What's the matter, darlin'? Am I hurtin' ya?"


"No," she replied, "I jes' want cha to untie them knots. I need more rope!"

Sperm Is Good For You



Hormones in Semen Shown to Make Women Feel Good

On June 26th the news agency Reuters reported that Hormones in semen may help to ease female depression because women whose partners don't use condoms are less likely to feel down.

Scientists at the State University of New York suspect the mood-altering hormones are absorbed through the vagina and make women feel good but they stressed that their results are not an excuse for unprotected sex.

"I want to make it clear that we are not advocating that people abstain from using condoms," Gordon Gallup, who led the study, told New Scientist magazine on Wednesday.

"Clearly an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease would more than offset any advantageous psychological effects of semen," he added. The researchers assessed the moods of 300 female students using a standard questionnaire. A score of more than 17 was considered moderately depressed. Women whose partners never used condoms scored about eight on the test while those who never had sex without condoms scored 11.3.

Women who weren't having sex at all scored about 13.5. Depression in the students who sometimes or never used condoms was more severe the longer they went without sex. The scientists said they looked at other factors, such as the use of oral contraceptives, frequency of sex and personality type, but found that none could account for the findings.

The magazine said the results are not a complete surprise because scientists know that semen contains several mood-altering hormones including testosterone. "Some of these have been detected in a woman's blood within hours of exposure to semen," the magazine said. The scientists suspect semen will have the same effect on women regardless of how they are exposed to it.

This guy comes home staggering drunk in the wee hours , and is met at the door by his wife — hair up in curlers and a rolling pin in hand

She immediately starts bitching at him , natch =

" Where the fork have you been ??!!?? You smell like perfume !! And lemme tellya = you better have a darned good explanation for why there's lip·stick on your shirt collar !!!! "

He sez =

" Well .... I DO have a good explanation for the lip·stick , dear ..... you see .... I used my shirt .....
..... to wipe off my dick "