Is it sex addiction or normal polyamory?
The story.
Joe had serial girlfriends in college. He would keep one for six months, break up, and find another when the former was not perfect. Sometimes, his relationships overlapped. He had to keep them separate or lose them both.
After graduation, Joe worked in an office. He met a female colleague whom he found attractive and fun. She had had several sex partners in college, liked sex, and was good in bed. Joe and Sue tied the knot. For the first year, they only had eyes for each other. Their first child was born. Sue started losing interest in lovemaking. Joe had to take week-long business trips to different cities. Lonely nights in hotel rooms became unbearable. He turned to porn. An old friend told him about hand job MPs. He found this new experience delightful. Of course, he could not tell Sue. Once, a masseuse offered oral sex. Wow! Better than Sue's mouth. Soon, he was frequenting escorts and FS parlors a few times per month. He did not have to bother Sue so much. She was busy with the baby.
This is NOT sex addiction. This is normal. Human beings are naturally polyamorous. They naturally prefer more than one partner. Joe and Sue were polyamorous in college. Joe is still practising polyamory. Sue would also have more partners if she had the opportunity. She is now busy being a mother. But when the child is away in college, Sue will also long for sex with other men. And she may very well achieve fulfilment of those fantasies.
The problem is not addiction. The problem is the aberration of monogamous marriage. The problem is dishonesty.
Is it possible to be addicted to sex?
Reading many of the posts below, one gets the impression that many men are making themselves miserable because they are essentially normal.
It is normal to desire lots of sex with multiple partners. Most of our brains are wired to try to have as many satisfying sexual experiences as possible.
1. We, men and women, have different natural levels of desire or libido. Some men and women are horny every day whenever they are awake. Some get horny only once per week. Others once per month, and some never. No libido level makes you abnormal. So stop feeling guilty because you think about sex all of the time or because you never think about it.
2. Most men and women, during their lives, desire sex with more than one partner. That is called polyamory, not addiction. It is normal. It is just as normal to, throughout life, desire sex with only one person or with nobody. Participating in a marriage ceremony does not remove the desire for multiple partners. Neither do weddings make an asexual person with no desire for lovemaking suddenly want to fuck with their spouse. After marriage, naturally polyamorous people will either seek out other partners or suffer from guilt, anxiety, and depression. Naturally, asexual people will suffer undeserved guilt because they blame themselves for their lack of desire.
3. The problems that many identify as "symptoms" of sex addiction are due to erroneous decisions people make, which decisions do not include having sex with multiple partners. These errors include dishonesty with one's spouse, spending too much of one's wealth or income for sexual pleasure, and careless and unsafe sexual practices. Prosecutions for soliciting are not due to the fault of the polyamorous person but rather due to social sickness, that is, illegality of sexual practices of prostitution and, in some countries, of infidelity.
4. There are ways to address overspending on sex. One can simply limit the number of encounters or spend less on each encounter. These methods of mitigating overspending will work whether the partners are pros or not. For pros, limit visits to the massage parlor to once per week or once per month. Or, you can go to a less expensive parlor. This is no different than how you limit spending on vacations or golf or other things you enjoy. For casual lovers, limit gifts that you buy or expensive hotel rooms that you rent.
5. Addressing the problem of dishonesty is the most difficult. Remember that the problem is dishonesty, not infidelity. If you are married and your spouse is demanding celibacy outside of her / his bed, you should never have made the promise that you can do that. You should have been honest with yourself and with her from the beginning. Similarly, if you cannot tell your husband that you are trysting with your coworkers or with gigolos, your mistake was made when you failed to tell him that you are naturally polyamorous. There are two ethical ways to address the problem of dishonesty. The first is to tell your spouse that you are naturally polyamorous, that you cannot and do not want to change your nature, and that you want to work this out with him or her. The second way is to stop all sex at home and understand that you must be careful not to let him / her know. The second way will separate the relationships in your life: spiritual with your marriage partner and sexual with others. You must decide which path to take.
6. Always practice safe sex if you are polyamorous. With your spouse or with others. Always.
Surely many here will disagree with the above. If you disagree, let us dialogue in this thread.
