Jokes & Humorous Stories

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,

"Do you think I'll live to be 80?

"He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

"I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things.

"He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart
With her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way
through the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt
with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails.
When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more
than a few missing.


The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"


The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't!
The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would
you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"


"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice."

A boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The boy turns to him and says, "My mum and dad were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store.

The first little baby said, "Ugh, the worst thing in the world
-- my mom just bought pablum!"

The second baby said, "Well, this is worse -- my mom just bought strained peas!"

The third baby said, "You think that's bad. How would you like to share a tit with a guy that smokes cigars!"

A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.

When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a Hershey's kiss. She asked "Do you know what it is?"

Jimmy replied "No."

The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it." Little Jimmy did so.

The teacher then asked, "Now do you know what it is?"

Little Jimmy said "Nooooo."

The teacher said, "I will give you a hint; it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work."

A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT... IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!!!!!"

"God invented the orgasm so women can moan even when they are happy"

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE
THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"
He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on,
you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner,
you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex
that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can
relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

I was reminded of this old adage today so I thought I'd share.

What's the difference between a mathematician and a physicist?

Put them at one end of a room and put several gorgeous naked women at the other. Tell them that they may move towards the women but with each move they may only move exactly half the distance remaining. The mathematician will give up as he KNOWS that he can never get there. The physicist will be delighted as he knows he can get close enough!

Top 20 ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd
is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson.. Paging Mr. Johnson..
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and
locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog
and sheep and began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

Yes." She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember.

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."

Little Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Little Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! -- Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have come and gone, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The Madame opens the door. "Yes?" she asks.

"I'm here to have a good time!"

The Madame is a little puzzled, but being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. "Where have you been?"

"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Little Johnny proudly boasted!

Little Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"

"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I was only able
to lick the third one!"

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in
the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......