Jokes & Humorous Stories

DUI

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, "Where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did alright," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said
I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is
very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or
have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"

Subject: Don't Thank Me!

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia (coli bacteria found in fieces) (1 kilo = 2 1/2 pounds) In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop! However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, Whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a Distillation process of boiling, filtering & fermenting. It is better to drink wine & talk shit than to drink water & Be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"


The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of bathing."


The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be",and then returned to his paper.


The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come o n so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"


The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

This is for those of us who are trying to lose weight...

Calories burned during sex:

REMOVING HER CLOTHES
With her consent...................... 12 Calories
Without her consent................. 2187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA
With both hands....................... 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth......................... 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM
With an erection........................ 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 3315 Calories

POSITIONS
Missionary................................. 12 Calories
69 lying down............................. 78 Calories
69 standing up........................... 812 Calories
Weelbarrow............................... 216 Calories
Doggy Style.............................. 326 Calories
Italian Chandelier....................... 2912 Calories

ORGASMS
Real......................................... 112 Calories
Fake......................................... 1315 Calories

POST ORGASM
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately............... 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately............ 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION
If you are:
20-29 years.............................. 36 Calories
30-39 years.............................. 80 Calories
40-49 years.............................. 124 Calories
50-59 years..............................1972 Calories
60-69 years.............................. 7916 Calories
70 and over.........................Results still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly...................................... 32 Calories
In a hurry.................................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door...... 5218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door.... 8775 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door......... 13521 Calories


RESULTS MAY VARY

Two fleas from Maine had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea got to Miami, he was all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death! The other flea asked him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea said, "I rode down here in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea said," That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar and look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanked the second flea and said he would give it a try next winter. A year went by. When the first flea again showed up in Miami once more he was all blue, shivering and shaking again and damn near frozen to death.

The second flea asked him, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," said the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the Metro airport bar and this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley..."

Memory was something you lost with age.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
A web was a spider's
home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3 inch floppy. .

. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub!"

- "You make me hornier before 9 AM than most people do all day!"

- "What's a pathetic weak piece of @#$%*! like you doing in a !&%#@$ dump like this??"

- "Drop trou and give me 20!"

- "Care to accompany me on a quiet, romantic, moonlit beach for a 5-mile hike and a hundred push-ups?"

- "Soldier, I'm admiring your strategic frontal mammary tissue mounds, two each."

- "Remember 'An Officer and a Gentleman'? I'm neither, baby."

- "The penalty for being out of uniform is a spanking."

- "Wanna know why I'm called a 'drill' sergeant?"

- "Drop and give me 69!"

- "Baby, you put the 'fox' in 'foxhole'."

- "You'll only have to give me one pushup soldier, if it's your bra."

- "Your perfume reminds me of napalm in the morning."

- "Drop and give me 20 -- on my lap."

- "Wanna help me get an 'honorable discharge'?"

- "Uncle Sam ain't the only one who wants you."

Q-Who is the worlds best goalkeeper ? A-A woman Q-why ? A-Because, whichever way you fu*k her, the balls just wont go in.

What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Height of confusion
What is the height of confusion? Two earthworms having sex in a bowl of noodles.

Height of frustation
Q: Whats the height of Frustration? A: A boxer trying to scratch his balls
Q: Whats the height of Poverty? A: A woman stitching her husbands torn condoms....
Indefinitely
What is the definition of indefinitely? When your balls are slapping up against her ass you are in....definitely.
WHAT IS A KISS ? ANS. VERY SIMPLE ITS AN INQUIRY IN THE TOP FLOOR ABOUT THE VACANCY IN GROUND FLOOR....

Shoe laces and smart men have one thing in common..They keep in touch with several holes simultaneously.

Q: What is the secret of long life? A: Morning 2 eggs, evening 2 pegs and night 2 legs!

Son asks his Dad diff between LOVE, BELIEF & RELIEF.
Father says: Your Mom is my LOVE. Your maid is my RELIEF & I'm your Dad - well, that’s my BELIEF

What’s a mixed feeling? When you see your Mother-in-law backing off of a cliff in your new car.

Wife: what would you give me if I reached mt.everest? Husband: a push!

Man comes home, finds neighbor on top of wife. He rushes out screaming, ' what to do? '
If I hit him on head, it's murder. If I hit him on butt it goes in further!

John asks his grandpa:” Do you still have sex with granny?" Grandpa:"Yes,but only oral."
John says:” What is oral?" Grandpa:” I say F~ck you,and she says: F~ck you 2.".

Teacher: What do you want to become????
Sam: Doctor...!!!!!
Teacher: Why????
Sam: Because its the only profession where you can tell a woman to take off her clothes & ask her Husband to pay 4 it....!!!!

Two streetwalkers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said,

"Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air."

The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."

WHAT A GUY SHOULD NOT SAY AFTER SEX

* "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

* "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

* "How come it's so BIG in there?"

* "You've done this with a lotta guys before, right?"

* "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

* (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

* (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

* "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

* "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

* "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

* "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

* "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

* "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every
Tuesday night or something?"

* "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

* "I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!"

* "I've been getting these little blisters lately....."

* "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

* "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in
there!"

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some butt hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added: "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.

"Where are you from, son?"

"Alabama, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Alabama?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but ****** and football players there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Alabama."

"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"