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A really drunk fellow walks into a brothel. He wants a blowjob, but all he has is $5. The madam says,"That's really all you have, $5? . Well, I have what we call the penguin special for that price." The man agrees and goes upstairs. A beautiful woman comes in, pulls down his pants and starts giving him a blowjob. Right when he's getting close to blowing his load, she stops and walks away. The guy, with his pants around his ankles, waddles after her and says,"What's the penguin special?"
So this husband was a bully to his wife, berating her at every moment. When he was not making her feel like dung, he was out womanizing and the sorts.
Soon the wife found a good job, with good pay, and the husband became petty and jealous. He did not like his wife making more money than him. Words like "Don't bang your head o the way up" or "Wipe your mouth after the raise" were common.
One day she is sent to Boston for a business trip and as a goodbye the husband tells her to "Bring me a pretty Boston girl"
Head down, the wife went and came from the trip.
Two weeks later, she is sent to California.
Husbands says "Hey, bring me a pretty California girl as a souvenir"
Angry she leaves.
A month after that she gets a raise, and is sent to France.
Husband says: "Hey, bring me back a pretty French girl as a souvenir"
Wife, red hot angry leaves.
When she returned form the trip a week later, the husband picks her up at the airport and asks:
"So, where is that French girl I asked you for"
The wife looks at him and says "In nine months we'll know"
One day as a director of a funeral home is finishing up some paperwork the mortician runs into his office.
"You got to come quick!" the mortician says, flailing his arms in the air.
With haste the director leaps out from his chair and frantically follows the mortician to the room where the bodies are prepared.
"There," the mortician says, pointing at the body of a woman,"in her vagina. There seems to be a shrimp. Isn't that peculiar?"
The director puts his glasses on and takes a closer look. Upon inspection the director replies,"That's no shrimp. That's her clitoris."
Baffled and embarrassed by such an error the mortician replies,"Hmmm, tasted like shrimp."
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'them, put 'them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic."Try doing it with the engine running."
Only in America.
[URL]http://www.breitbart.com/InstaBlog/2013/10/15/City-Concerned-Over-Business-Offering-Cuddles-and-Hugs[/URL]
A guy and chick hit it off at a bar and they end up at her place. She get undressed and under the covers and he takes his shoes and socks off. She looks at his feet and says "What the hell happened to your toes?" He says "When I was a kid I had Tolio" Then he takes off his pants and she recoils and says what happened to your knees? He says "When I was a teenager I caught Kneasels" Then he removes his underwear and she says "Let me guess, did you catch Small Cox?
[URL]http://www.snotr.com/video/12567/Why_You_Shouldn_t_Watch_Porn_In_The_Same_Room_As_Your_Parrot[/URL]
See photo below.
Banned Australian condom ad.
[URL]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOq_0Fg1yIs[/URL]
This one requires you to enter a birthday but I think it's worth it.
[URL]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8u_QKCyCGA&oref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dn8u_QKCyCGA&has_verified=1[/URL]
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood.".
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?
"About $20.".
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back the fuck off or I'll beat the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed . . . . 'When did this happen?'
'A couple of minutes ago.'
[b]X[/b]
(Apologies in advance if this is already posted)..
Teacher asks the kids in her third grade class:8203;.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little Johnny says: "I want to hit the powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest working girl on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ...
"And how about you, Sarah?
" I want to be Johnny's working girl!
A teacher asks:
I shoot at 5 birds and 2 of them are dead, how many of them are left?
Little Johnny answers:
None! The others fly away because of the sound of the gun.
Teacher: [b]No![/b]
It's a math problem, but I like your style.
Little Johnny:
So I have a question for you teacher -
Three women are eating [b]Tootsie Pops[/b]; one of them is licking it, the other one is sucking it,
and the last one is biting it.
[b]Which one is married?[/b]
Teacher gets embarrassed and answers:
[b]The sucking one?[/b]
[ATTACH=CONFIG]323772[/ATTACH]
Little Johnny: [b]No![/b]
[u][i]The woman who has the ring on her finger, but I like your style.[/u][/i]
[b]X[/b]