Jokes & Humorous Stories

Irish Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his.

Drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,

He found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,

A big bump on his head and the golfer's ball.

Beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from.

The cart and poured it over the little guy,

Reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened? ' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball, ' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.

Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want? '

'Thank God, you're all right! ' the golfer.

Answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,

I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize. '

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy, ' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him.

The three things I would want. A great golf game,

All the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life. '

A year goes by and the golfer is back.

On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into.

The woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,

' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,

How's yer golf game? '

'My game is fantastic! ' the golfer answers.

I'm an internationally famous golfer now. '

He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're.

All right. '

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer.

Golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money.

Situation? '

'Why, it's just wonderful! ' the golfer states.

'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket.

And pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there! '

'I did that fer ye also. ' And tell me, how's yer sex life? '

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,

And says shyly, 'It's OK. '

C'mon, see'mon now, ' urged the Leprechaun,

'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.

How many times a week? '

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,

'Once, sometimes twice a week. '

'What? ' responds the Leprechaun in shock.

'That's all? Only once or twice a week? '

'Well, ' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic

Priest in a small parish.

Question: What is the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

Answer: You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Question: You walk into a room where all the women have PMS and yeast infections. Where are you?

Answer: At a whine and cheese party.

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went into a drugstore to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered,"No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said,"Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked,"Do these excite you?"

Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on," she insisted,"we don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a frown."Did you put that condom on?"

I replied,"I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her

[QUOTE=Frank Booth; 411435]Gentlemen:

I am writing to you to warn you of something that.

Happened to me as I am a victim of the latest scam.

At a mall while shopping. This happened at the.

Broward Mall and it could happen to you. Here's how.

The scam works :

Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as.

You are leaving the mall while you are placing your.

Packages on the floor of the front seat.

One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and.

Windex while the other comes to your window saying.

"Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming.

Out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say.

"No" and beg you for a ride to the Sawgrass Mills.

Mall. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other in.

The back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the.

Front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the.

Other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and.

Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.[/QUOTE]Wow, I didn`t hear such a story before. Two lesbian gilrs are only in my dreams.

I had a dejavue when I met two girls of.

[url=http://www.companion-deluxe.de/Escort/escortservice/escort-stuttgart.html]companion deluxe in stuttgart[/url]

When I travelled for my enterprise. In the limousine they started to touch each other at lunchtime.

A guy is working out at a downtown fitness gym. He sees a Beautiful girl also working out and wants to meet her. He says to his fitness coach,"You see that Beautiful girl over there. I want to impress her. Which machine should I use?"

The trainer thinks for a minute then replies,"Use the ATM machine out in the hallway."

How do you get 100 Americans into one box of Donuts?

Tell them there's only one left.

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest said, 'You had a good.

Idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It.

Worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now. '

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me.

Adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to.

Church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock 'and Roll Gospel.

Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony. '

'Thank you, Father, ' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are.

Open to the New Ideas of Youth. '

'All of these ideas have been well and good, ' said the elderly priest, 'But.

I'm afraid you've gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional. '

'But Father, ' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the.

Donations have nearly doubled since I began that! '

'Yes, ' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that, but the flashing.

Neon sign. Toot 'and Tell or Go to Hell cannot stay on the church roof!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple shot of Jack Daniels. He downs it in one gulp, slams the glass on the bar and yells,"All lawyers are assholes." A guy at the other end of the bar wearing a old flannel shirt that barely covered a large beer belly with long unkept hair and a scraggly beard yelled back: "Hey, I resent that." The bartender looked at him in surprise and said:"Are you really a lawyer?" The guy said: "no, I'm an asshole."

[blue][Political Commentary deleted by Admin][/blue]

[b][u]EDITOR'S NOTE[/u]:[/b] [blue]This report was edited or deleted to [u]remove political commentary[/u]. As defined by the thread title [b]Jokes & Humorous Stories ([u]No Political Jokes[/u])
Thread: Jokes & Humorous Stories[/b]. [i]Thanks![/i][/blue]

Teacher asks the kids in a 4th grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?

"Little Johnny says: "I want to be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, take the best ***** with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with little Johnny's comments, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson.

And you, Susie? . ."What do you want to be when you grow up. .

"I want to be Johnny's *****!"

Where hookers go on vacation.

Free sex, dope, food and rent.

No nagging pimps or greedy dealers.

No fear of arrest.

PS: Hope Princess gets out soon.

*Not the one in Vegas.

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling,"Gama Su! Gama Su!" Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

Ol' Blue

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

'Dad, ' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk! '

'That's amazing, ' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program? '

'Just send him down here with $1, 000, ' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course. '

So, his father sends the dog and $1, 000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son? ' his father asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm, ' he says, 'but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read! '

'Read! ' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program? '

'Just send $2, 500, I'll get him in the class. '

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk! '

'Dad, ' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street? '

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother! '

'I sure did, Dad! '

'That's my boy! '

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D. C. As a member of Congress

I thought this was appropriate for this group.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs, and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was very annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some folk think.