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I think I had a little too much Jack Daniels before I wrote that. Did not mean to insult anyone, just cause a laugh. One more-A guy says to his wife," we are going to have sex tonight." And she replies, what makes you so sure of that and he says "because I am stronger than you are."
Just for a laugh, I believe in consentual sex only.
A waiter goes up to a table of (jewish) women and says," is anything alright here?"
One day at a mortuary, the new embalmer says to his boss,"There's a problem with the pretty, new arrival. She has a shrimp growing out of her pussy."
"That's impossible," the boss says.
"Show me."
They go to the table, the guy flips back the sheet, points and says,"See?"
The boss takes a closer look and says "You idiot, that's not a shrimp. That's her clitoris."
"Hmm," says the embalmer."Sure tasted like shrimp."
A very young and naive priest was headed for his first assignment in NYC. As he started walking from the Bus Station a SW yelled at him,"Hey Father how about a BJ just 30 bucks." Confused, the young priest kept walking. Eventually he passed another SW who said,"Hey Father how about a BJ just 30 bucks." Finally he got to the same block as the church when another SW said to him,"Hey Father how about a BJ just 30 bucks." Finally he reached the church where he was met by the Mother Superior who gave him an orientation. When they were finished she asked him if he had any questions. The Priest hesitated a moment and said,"Sister, what is a BJ?" The Sister looked at him and said,"30 bucks, same as downtown."
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies,"There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back,"Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies,"Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back,"I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says,"Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back,"Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?"
The Pope calls his mother right after being elected Pope.
Pope: Hi mom, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Mother: What's the good news?
Pope: I've just been elected Pope.
Mother: What's the bad news?
Pope: I have to move into an Italian neighborhood.
The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter. An American replied,"You must do something so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do something world-famous." A German added," Yes, he's right. Why don't you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build, build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."
With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and worked 6 months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected in the middle of the Sahara Desert. An American said,"No, no. See, that is why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect it."
The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said,"Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a new one? That is amazing!" To which a Polish man replied,"Well, not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because there were all these Italians fishing off it."
After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that gargled 1 litre of Listerine.
As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, Jerry opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said,"Man, did you have 69 before you came here"?
"Why"? Jerry asked,"Does my breath smell like pussy"?
"No" The dentist replied,"Your forehead smells like shit."
A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring' he whispers, ' I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting- juss anyting you want. You juss ask. So. Whatchu want? ' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows as he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. Eventually, she shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have heard from the other girls. Numbaa 69. ' More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asks her.
'You want. Garlic chicken with steam vegetables.
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AN OLD MAN WALKS INTO THE BARBERSHOP FOR SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT, BUT HE SAYS HE CAN'T GET ALL HIS WHISKERS OFF BECAUSE HIS CHEEKS ARE WRINKLED FROM AGE.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
So,
Whats the difference between eating pussy and driving through thick fog.
At least when your eating pussy you see the asshole in front of you.
-
Spanish Oysters.
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day.
Roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling,
Scrumptious looking platter being served at the.
Next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served? '
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight.
This morning. A delicacy! '
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order. '
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per.
Day because there is.
Only one bull fight each morning.
If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you.
This delicacy. '
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that.
Evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I.
Saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
A professor at Michigan State University in East Lansing was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start.
Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says:
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor replies, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
[i]Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."[/i]
This is just too funny not to share. An article which appeared inThe Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat. '
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
' IRELAND 'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'.
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