Jokes & Humorous Stories

Know who to make a 75 year old woman yell FUCK!

Have another 75 year old lady yess BINGO.

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doing dad?" His father quickly replied,"I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya going to do, fuck him?"

Little Johnny was at school and one of his friends had a new watch. Johnny asked how he got it and the friend said he asked his father for a watch. Johnny went home after school and found his dad's car in the driveway earlier than normal. Johnny went inside, nobody appeared at home, and went upstairs to hear a noise coming from his parents' bedroom. Going inside Johnny saw his dad on top of his mother. The dad saw Johnny. Johnny said, "Dad, I want a watch." The dad said, "Stand in the corner and don't make any noise."

My wife says to me the other night "How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?" So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, rammed it in her ass, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she'd be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face. She was SO pissed! Turns out we don't watch the same movies.

A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?

His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.

On a trip to Vegas last year I sat next to this family on my flight. The family had mom, dad, and 3 kids (19 yo son. 17 yo daughter and a 13 yo son). I am pretty sure they were Brazilian, as they spoke Portuguese. We did not exchange any conversation, though.

Anyway, we land in Vegas and went our separate ways. I went to my hotel and checked in, then went and grabbed a bite to eat before checking out talent in the casinos. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the Vegas scene, there are providers who hang out in the casinos. Long story short, I see this petite Filipina with a massive rack practically hanging out of her tight T-shirt. I sit down next to her on the slots and after some conversation we decide to head to my room.

So there I am, holding hands with the Filipina waiting for the elevator. Eventually the doors open and out comes the Brazilian family from my flight. I don't think the kids even looked at me, but the parents did. I just gave an embarrassed smile as they went by. Who would have guessed the odds of such an event happening.

P. S. The rack was REAL and SPECTACULAR!

So I went out the other night for a drive down the local stroll. I met a nice girl and we came to a business arrangement for oral services which were transacted in my car. She was properly compensated and I headed home secure that I had safely completed a pleasurable evening excursion. When I got home I made a sandwich, watched some TV, and surfed the Web for a few hours before getting undressed and hopping in the shower. Imagine my surprise when I started to wash my junk when I found this hiding away down there! It was lying flat, right in the crease where my thigh meets my scrotum. Despite the terrifying shape, I had no idea that it was there for hours.

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Every time I look at it I wonder what could have gone wrong. Imagine me shifting in my seat while driving home and feeling jabbed in the nuts! Or imagine if a certain someone decided to get frisky that night, and her hand found her way down there only to get jabbed by a needle that I couldn't explain away. I mean, I can fast talk if a hooker left an earring in my car, but in my CROTCH? No way. Scary!

Having a little trouble figuring out how this fits in the "Jokes & Humorous Stories" thread?

[QUOTE=KC Questor; 1634273]So I went out the other night for a drive down the local stroll. I met a nice girl and we came to a business arrangement for oral services which were transacted in my car. She was properly compensated and I headed home secure that I had safely completed a pleasurable evening excursion. When I got home I made a sandwich, watched some TV, and surfed the Web for a few hours before getting undressed and hopping in the shower. Imagine my surprise when I started to wash my junk when I found this hiding away down there! It was lying flat, right in the crease where my thigh meets my scrotum. Despite the terrifying shape, I had no idea that it was there for hours.

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Every time I look at it I wonder what could have gone wrong. Imagine me shifting in my seat while driving home and feeling jabbed in the nuts! Or imagine if a certain someone decided to get frisky that night, and her hand found her way down there only to get jabbed by a needle that I couldn't explain away. I mean, I can fast talk if a hooker left an earring in my car, but in my CROTCH? No way. Scary![/QUOTE]

Next time, aim for her eye. It is their fucking job to be attentive and know when you're going to cum and how far a man will shoot, not fall asleep on the job.

[QUOTE=Mailer;1441125]I was getting a oiled HJ and the provider started to become tired. She asked if I wanted to finish myself off I said no. So she kept going and eventually I came right in her face. She jumped back and said I should of told her. I said I didn't know. I'm not sure if she meant that I was about to cum or that I shoot that far. Maybe not a hilarious story but I thought it was amusing to some extent. It was my first happy ending.[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Carnicero;1634305]Having a little trouble figuring out how this fits in the "Jokes & Humorous Stories" thread?[/QUOTE]I thought it was humorous. I guess I shouldn't have been so focused on how scary it was. In hind sight, it's pretty funny to me. My buddies have been giving me shit about what else I'm going to find in my crotch.

My buddy asked to sleep on my couch for a couple of days. His wife sent him to the pharmacy to get some help for his ED problem. He came back with a bottle of diet pills.

[url]http://www.khou.com/news/local/Robbery-victim-wants-to-thank-Good-Samaritans-who-came-to-his-rescue--186572461.html[/url]
[list][*]Reading news, I was amused, while checking out this feature.[*]A loser schmuck, ran out of luck, an idiotic creature.[/list][list][*]He robbed a gent, and then he went, but didn't get too far.[*]It caught the eyes, of these two guys, who chased him with their car.[/list][list][*]They had his track, did not hold back, and tried to apprehend.[*]The suspect fled, while shooting lead, his freedom to defend.[/list][list][*]Here's the joke, this hapless bloke, after he'd been shot.[*]As he slumped, a fence he jumped, escape is what he sought.[/list][list][*]To his dismay, was not his day, a German sort of pup.[*]Was in this place, and then his face, you just can't make this up.[/list][list][*]I would advise, next time he tries, for trouble to engage.[*]Violence decline, and go online, to favorite site Backpage.[/list][s]© Sully15. All rights reserved. [/s]

[quote]HOUSTON. A couple of strangers came to the rescue when a man was robbed at gunpoint. Now, the victim wants to say thank you to the Good Samaritans.

Police believe the criminal who was canvassing a neighborhood in the 2500 block of Wichita near Hermann Park had no idea what he was in for when he picked his target.

The victim in this case had just walked back to his car from a bar around the corner.

The victim says he hadn't even closed his car door Thursday night when a man wearing all black and a ski mask put a gun to his chest. The man took the victim's wallet, cell phone and car keys.

After he was robbed, the victim began running down the street and says two men in a Mercedes asked him what had happened.

The victim told them and they not only caught up with the suspect, but they started shooting at him.

The suspect fired back. In the end, the two witnesses turned vigilantes won and took down the bad guy.

'I don't believe in guns, ' said the victim. 'I don't own a gun. I'm totally at the mercy of my saviors. They obviously sent two angels to help me. These people protected me when I couldn't protect myself. '

After the robber had been shot, police say he jumped over a fence and was attacked by a German Shepherd. That attack prevented him from getting away.

The suspect is being treated at Ben Taub Hospital. He's expected to recover.[/QUOTE]

1) What's the difference between making love to your woman and a washing machine- after you put your load in a washing machine you don't have to hug and kiss it for 5 minutes before you can walk away.

2) What's the difference between a homosexual and a refrigerator- When you pull your meat out of a refrigerator it doesn't fart.

3) A Jewish guy went to a nudist camp. He got an erection so he ran into dark room to hide it, ran into the wall and broke his nose.

4) A drunken farmers walks into a bedroom holding a sheep under his arm and looks at the woman in the bed and says this is the pig I have been screwing. The woman rolls over and says your so drunk you don't even know that is a sheep. He replied shut up I was'nt talking to you.

5) What separates a redneck from a asshole- the Ohio river.

[QUOTE=Hotwad; 1656677].

5) What separates a redneck from a asshole- the Ohio river.[/QUOTE]On that topic, I understand they raised the drinking age in Kentucky to 35?

They want to get the alcohol out of the schools.

Got that one from the morning show DJs on a Dayton, OH radio station.

Kentucky was the only place I've ever been arrested. They got me for bringing books into the state.

They had to let me go, though. No one could prove they were books.