Jokes & Humorous Stories

Although peeling a tomato is not an extremely common method in many home kitchens, it is a very useful process to be familiar with. Some recipes will call for a tomato to be peeled and seeded in order to rid the tomato of any bitter taste that the peel and seeds can contain. Remove any stickers and wash the tomato thoroughly, and cut a very shallow X on the bottom of the tomato. Prepare a bowl of ice water and set it aside. Place a pot of water on the stove and bring it to a boil. Then, drop the tomato into the boiling water. Once you notice any skin peeling off the tomato, or that 30 seconds is up, quickly remove the tomato and place it into the prepared bowl of ice water. Let the tomato sit in the ice bath for at least five minutes. Once the tomato has been chilled, remove it from the ice water and peel the skin off with your hands.

This method can also be used for peeling peaches and plums.

My Dick is so big, I'm married to it by Common Law.

My Dick is so big, it claims me as a dependant on tax forms.

If I want to get a Prince Albert, I need a harpoon and a barbershop pole.

My Dick can tell time. What to do.

My Dick is so big, I can drive in the HOV lane by myself.

My Dick is so big, my mom was expecting twins.

My Dick is so big, it had 3 farewell tours*

My Dick is so big, it warns me about future events.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably,"I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded,"Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said,"I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight."

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'. Wow! I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now, ' I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have. ' She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge. ' 'Yeah, ' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone. Everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane! ' She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself! ' So I told her to fuck off.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"

Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"

Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck a pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"

Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you?

Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus.

He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"

Says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says. .

"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"

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A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong? ' 'I was stung by a bee, ' she said.

'Where, ' he asked.

'Between the first and second hole, ' she replied.

[QUOTE=Gdlint; 1505987]A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong? ' 'I was stung by a bee, ' she said.

'Where, ' he asked.

'Between the first and second hole, ' she replied.[/QUOTE]The punch line did not print on that joke:Sorry.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Your stance is too wide. '

A modern day cowboy named Bob has spent many days crossing the South Dakota prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie named Patty. But she is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS I'd badge and a dull grey outfit.

There's a Calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy, ' says the genie, 'You know how I work. You have three wishes. ' 'I'm not falling for this, ' said the cowboy, 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie. ' 'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway! ' The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink. '

*POOF*

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish. ' 'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams. '

* *POOF*

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one! ' After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me. '

*POOF*

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the USA government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

Saw a billboard for Chick-fil-A that read: "EET LES DIK."

If you have sex with a prostitute against their will, is that rape or shoplifting?

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said,"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said,"Do you have any rye bread?"

She said,"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said,"I want five loaves."

She said,"My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied,"I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff but me."

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar.

They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked,"Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying,"It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said,"I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

They don't want me back in the pub anymore.

We are in trouble. The population of this country is 300 million. 165 million are retired. That leaves 135 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 50 million to do the work. Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government leaving 15 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden and his buddies which leaves 12.2 million to do the work. Take from that the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals leaving 1,212,000 people to do the work. There are 1,211,998 people in prisons leaving only two people to do the work. You and me. And here you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes. We are in trouble.