Jokes & Humorous Stories

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a.

Job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four.

People who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and.

Ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them.

Would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer.

Asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of? '

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT. ' It just pops into your head. There's no.

Warning.

'That's very good! ' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir? ', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm. Let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it.

Ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of. '

'Excellent! ' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular.

Cliche for speed. ' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating.

His reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall.

There's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the.

Pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip,

TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. '

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found.

Her man.

'It's hard to beat the speed of light, ' she said.

Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same.

Question.

Old Louie replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious.

To me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA. '

'WHAT! ' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Louie. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,

And I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE.

LIGHT, I had already shit my pants. '

Louie is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now.

On.

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher,"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said,"Okay, but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying," Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher."See this fucking badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear. Do you understand?"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Your badge, show him your FUCKING BADGE.

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes. $50. 00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

'JESUS SAVES. '

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them? '

'Well, that's a little different, ' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion. '

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest. Until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels.

Seeking Peter. $50

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"Pour some lukewarm water over it. Not too hot."

Wife texts back:

"Computer completely fucked now."

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,

"Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied,"No Ma'am, I work for a condom manufacturer. These are customer complaints."

Beware of the most recent Ebay Scam! If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully. Be careful what you purchase on eBay. A buddy of mine spent $50 on a penis enlarger. Bastard sent him a magnifying glass. Instructions said,"Do not use in the sunlight".

These Reviews are great! Really funny.

Baggens.

[url]http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt/276-9480363-3437341?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1[/url]

Life is like a penis. Simple, relaxed and hanging free.

It's women who make it hard!

Have you ever felt like strangling one of those 'loud mouthed' cell phone users who seem to sit near you in a restaurant or any other place and forcibly share their private call with you.

Here's one solution, provided by a commuter on how to combat this display of bad manners.

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc, etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:

"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I was getting a oiled HJ and the provider started to become tired. She asked if I wanted to finish myself off I said no. So she kept going and eventually I came right in her face. She jumped back and said I should of told her. I said I didn't know. I'm not sure if she meant that I was about to cum or that I shoot that far. Maybe not a hilarious story but I thought it was amusing to some extent. It was my first happy ending.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?" 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

'Good Heavens, ' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?" "Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

This is a backpage ad, but probably not a provider ad:

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I AM LOOKING FOR A GUY WHO HAS NO KIDS, I don't CARE IF THEY ARE ALL GROWN UP, I HATE MEN WITH KIDS!

I AM 36 YRS OLD, AND I AM LOOKING FOR A GUY 40+, I LIKE INTELLIGENT CONVERSATIONS.

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I AM LOOKING FOR A WHITE GUY WHO IS %100 DEMOCRAT ONLY.

YOU MUST HAVE BLUE OR GREEN OR GREY EYES ONLY!

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TO SEE MY REAL PICS please GOOGLE 519 9/9/2/7/7/6/4.[/quote]The part that really hit my LOL button is the race and politics line.

A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.

She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered,"Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said."Nope. You are!

I'm going to burn down the Barn!"

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

My public service is done for the day!

Keep laughing. Life is too short to take too seriously.

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his.

Wife inbed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money:

He paid for the Porsche I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your football season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake. He paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues! '

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do? ' The cabby replies, 'I'd.

Cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold. '