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Addiction is Addiction is Addiction
My son is on maintenance (Thank God for this program!) for opioid addiction. In October the clinic lost 3 patients to the street. Fentanyl.
Last week (Thanksgiving week) the mother to one of the girls that was lost was handing this out to any that was brave enough to make eye contact with her as she stood in the lobby, alone, visibly broken.
Granted this forum is specifically for sex addiction but IMHO it fits to post it. Be warned it may touch a nerve.
Take a minute.
Days Turn Into Weeks Which Turn Into Months.
[QUOTE=DjHunter;4014241]I've been a "monger" for a bit over 10 years. There were periods during those years where I was insanely active. Paying for extras at strip clubs, dating escorts on Craigslist and Backpage, making rounds on the street, just going wherever I could get my nut off. At a certain point in that time I decided to propose to the girl I'd been dating on and off for a few years. I thought that'd be the changing moment. I actually fucked who I'd christened as my "last girl" the morning of the day I proposed. What a fucking joke, thinking I could force myself to change just because I was getting engaged. I've been married for six years now, and it's only been in these last two that I began doing the serious digging required to move the quitting needle in any significant way. Prior to that, I'd had a couple STD scares, once mistakenly texted my wife while I was trying to text my escort date (was REALLY shaken by that one), and had other stupid situations that made me temporarily consider quitting but were me simply me succumbing to the guilt. I wasn't genuinely trying to change shit. Hell, as long as I didn't get caught, I was good.
The thought of quitting was always playing silently in the background though. Four years ago, I started dating the girl who gave me my first BBFS experience. I dated her several more times, most times with no cover, and it became the thing I sought out in dates. I got so adept, I could tell from assessing a girl's pics whether or not she'd be likely to let me hit raw, and I was fairly accurate. During that time I had the STD scares (that fortunately turned out to be nothing) and hit a brief phase of deep depression, unbeknownst to my wife. A couple times I just sat in my car and cried before coming home from work. It made me start taking the hard look at myself, though. Who I was, what I thought of myself, and why I was like this. When I started out in this hobby, I'd operated on the idea that man is biologically hardwired to "spread his seed" and that the hobby was was simply a byproduct of man's biological nature. But that was bullshit. While the biology may be a factor to a minimal extent, I've come to believe that sex addiction is deeply rooted in, and borne from, my personal experiences. Honestly, smoking weed really encouraged and enhanced my introspection and even heightened the imaginings of some of the worst things that could happen from this hobby. And I spent several nights over the course of about a year having these scary, dark, and entirely plausible fantasies. Over the course of time, my thoughts gradually shifted to introspection. I realized several things through self assessment: I had low self esteem, I wasn't nurtured much by my mother and sought validation through girls and women to fill the void (since an adolescent), and I'd become so adept at spotting the right escorts because I'd been seeking out escorts who had the lowest self esteem and didn't give as much of a shit about themselves.
Over the last two years, I'd also started focusing seriously on my health. I changed my diet, started running, and going to the gym. It became a natural distraction. I saw my body changing and I felt the best that I'd ever fucking felt. I was motivated and naturally filling the void through simply realizing my potential and worth. The few times that I did partake during this time felt worse than ever. I felt like I was sabotaging myself and my progress. More importantly, I felt like I had no more excuses because I'd been shown all the answers, the reasons why I am this way, and the things that could most certainly happen if I stay active in this hobby. It's gotten to a point that, although I still browse escort sites, I don't have much taste for anything. I don't drive aimlessly along the "stroll". I can finally drive past the strolls most times without feeling an overwhelming need to turn down those streets. It's been almost eight months since I last dated. It might sound cliche but I feel so much better. Through my health journey, I realized how much I've begun to care about myself and how conflicting and threatening the hobby is to that notion. The stress and guilt of the hobby is unhealthy, as is the time and money wasted. Iv'e assessed myself, my marriage, and what I want from life that I know I can get, and the hobby doesn't fit into any of that. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments. The challenges still linger and I still have urges. I'll likely always be an addict in that there's always a pit I could potentially fall into. Every day abstained just makes it far less probable. But I'm accomplishing more at this point than I have in years and regained a silly youthful optimism that had been buried under the guilt and shame I'd carried for the past decade.
Brothers, the road is fucking hard. This is an extremely hard thing to beat, and what spurred my change may not be what spurs yours. But I believe that we can all see the other side of this. It took a lot of soul searching to get here and there's more soul searching yet to do. Fundamentally changing yourself takes time, but the journey is way more than worth it. One day at a time.[/QUOTE]I liked reading this post as well as most of the posts here. It indicates to me that you're tuned into a good frequency and you're hearing and listening to the recovery voice you and all of us have inside. Many nuggets of wisdom here.
Healthy Sexual Addiction?
[QUOTE=Rrayr;4148866]As Men, why is having sex with exciting young beautiful women important in our lives? [/QUOTE]Testosterone is a powerful hormone. The average male has a sexual thought every few minutes. We are the product of billions of years of evolution that has finely honed our sex drive. It is the reason our species survived to be here in the first place The question is not why some of us are sexually addicted but why aren't ALL of us sexually addicted?.
[QUOTE]Why do we equate having sex with a beautiful young woman as a "rare quality experience"? If I had stayed the straight and narrow with only a handful of lovers in my life, I would have never dreamed of having dates with fine beautiful quality women. And of course not so great. That experience is important to me. And doing it over and over and over again became habitual.[/QUOTE]Even the most beautiful young woman can become tedious with repetition. If I could find a woman who could make me feel different every time then I probably would never stray. But such a fantasy woman does not exist. For me, sexual addiction is the continual search for new conquests and sexual variety.
[QUOTE]Trying to justify and weigh the pros and cons like any good addictive behavior person would. But I feel Drugs vs Sex are different.
Because doctors tell us that there IS a safe healthy sexual lifestyle.
There is no such thing as a safe healthy narcotic lifestyle.[/QUOTE]Quite true. At least sex doesn't cause negative physical effects like alcohol or drug abuse. And who is to say that a "healthy sexual lifestyle" isn't nailing as many pretty young things as one can?
[QUOTE]Pros.
Makes me feel good.
Sex when ever I want.
Fulfilling fantasies.
Get to experience many different types of girls.
Collect fond memories and experiences for when I'm very old.
Adrenaline rush.
Potential genuine friendship.
Hear and collect many personal stories.[/QUOTE]All very valid points. Definitely reasons I enjoy fucking a wide variety of young women.
[QUOTE]Cons.
Financial ruin.[/QUOTE]Fortunately for me, I have plenty of funds. It isn't likely I will run out.
[QUOTE]Exploitation of the vulnerable.[/QUOTE]
I don't see the truth in this one. It is a financial transaction for both sides. Thinking you are exploiting a woman you hire for sex would mean you would feel the same way hiring her to mow your lawn. She wants money. You have money. She is willing to do something you want for that money. It is a classic example of market dynamics, supply and demand.
[QUOTE]Ruined marriage and family relationships.[/QUOTE]
This is a big one and would have been true when I was married or had a serious gf. Now I have no SO so this one doesn't even apply.
[QUOTE]Social Stigma.[/QUOTE]
I am so past this. Americans are too uptight about sex and so hypocritical. To avoid drama I keep my sexual trysts private (except anonymously revealed in this forum). But I laugh at the possibility that there is a social morality here that bears serious consideration.
[QUOTE]Arrest.[/QUOTE]
I may be sexually addicted but I am careful. I have never been arrested for anything, let alone paying for sex. And since I almost exclusively play with SBs I recruit in the wild, the probability of arrest is not zero but it is quite low.
[QUOTE]Diseases.[/QUOTE]Always a possibility. I have had 3 STDs in my entire lifetime of hundreds of paid for sexual encounters. All were from uncovered oral with SWs. I never ever fuck uncovered even if the girl is on birth control. So disease risk is there, but no more than anyone who is very active sexually.
[QUOTE]Being robbed.[/QUOTE]Again, I am very careful and never carry any more cash than I need for the transaction. Not that this ever has applied because I never have been robbed in hundreds of transactions with SWs, escorts or UTRs. Now that I virtually exclusively play with SBs I have personally recruited in the wild, my robbery risk is even lower.
[QUOTE]Potential Injury or Death.[/QUOTE]Same reaction as the robbery risk. I just don't see this as an important factor in the way I have chosen to play.
[QUOTE]Blackmail.[/QUOTE]Two have tried. But they didn't even know who I was. I use burner phones and rented cars. Blackmail is not impossible but highly improbable. Besides, I have many successful strategies to combat this if it ever occurred.
Maybe there is something I am missing, but it seems to me that my sexual addiction to banging pretty college-aged women and the occasional horny MILF actually IS a very healthy sexual lifestyle.
Energy model explaining (somewhat) prostitution
Here's a short essay I wrote for an SB I dated. She was impressed, although in the meantime she's decided she doesn't like me.
The difference between men and women can be understood using an energy model. The energy required for reproduction is different. Women have a 9 month gestation period, which is a major investment in energy, while men in principle only need to have sex to contribute to making a baby, which is a small investment in energy. Women also tend to do more of the child-rearing, another big energy investment.
Here is where morality steps in, however. Morality is the resolution of a conflict of desires; the women desire that the men invest a similar amount of energy through long-term commitment to child rearing to help produce a well-developed offspring. Society supports this moral precept and teaches the males from an early age to respect women and to commit to a relationship.
Many men will attempt to adopt a two-prong approach to reproduction: to have a wife and family, while secretly pursuing short affairs outside of marriage. The women, because of the energy required, are more circumspect about their choices, which thwarts the efforts of most men. However, some women will exploit a man's relative promiscuity to profit economically -- what sugarbabies (prostitutes) do.
Men are NOT more promiscuous than women
[QUOTE=Snake27;4295945]Here's a short essay I wrote for an SB I dated. She was impressed, although in the meantime she's decided she doesn't like me.
The difference between men and women can be understood using an energy model. The energy required for reproduction is different. Women have a 9 month gestation period, which is a major investment in energy, while men in principle only need to have sex to contribute to making a baby, which is a small investment in energy. Women also tend to do more of the child-rearing, another big energy investment.
Here is where morality steps in, however. Morality is the resolution of a conflict of desires; the women desire that the men invest a similar amount of energy through long-term commitment to child rearing to help produce a well-developed offspring. Society supports this moral precept and teaches the males from an early age to respect women and to commit to a relationship.
Many men will attempt to adopt a two-prong approach to reproduction: to have a wife and family, while secretly pursuing short affairs outside of marriage. The women, because of the energy required, are more circumspect about their choices, which thwarts the efforts of most men. However, some women will exploit a man's relative promiscuity to profit economically -- what sugarbabies (prostitutes) do.[/QUOTE]Your musings are interesting but research does not back it up. In fact, women are just as likely to be promiscuous as men, contrary to widely held popular beliefs to the contrary. This is true not only in our culture but in cultures throughout the world. I could cite numerous studies affirming this, and here is but one example: [URL]ttps://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/are-men-really-the-more-promiscuous-sex-0704135[/URL] Search the subject on the internet. The conclusions of many studies are similar.
In my own personal experience I have found that many young women are interested in a SB role simply when asked the right way. I have recruited literally hundreds of them "in the wild" so to speak. Women are just as likely as men to be sexually bored with a monogamous relationship and/or seek sexual experiences with strangers. They tend not to be as overt about it as men, but the desire for promiscuity and action upon it are no less than for men.
Men are NOT more promiscuous than women
[QUOTE=Snake27;4299177]I think that part of the "proof" that men tend to be more promiscuous comes from studying homosexuals. Now explaining homosexuality needs a lot more complicated model than what I stated (I've tried) and would probably get me banned anyway, but there is a residual of regular sexuality in homosexuality, and the observation is simply that male homosexuals play around a lot more than female ones.[/QUOTE]I don't know that any "observations" would hold up to universally explain any sexual behavior. Personal observations by their very nature are biased, and skewed to the experiences of one individual. The Kinsey studies showed and other studies since have shown that what we think we know about sexual behavior isn't always what is truly the case.
[QUOTE]I'm not going to debate you that a lot of females are promiscuous and I will defer to your personal experience with women which, based on my reading of your posts (which I enjoy) greatly exceeds mine.[/QUOTE]Scientific studies back this up, but I can certainly personally vouch that females are very promiscuous.
[QUOTE]One other issue is that, if I remember the blood studies correctly, around 10% of females (more likely from lower socioeconomic classes) have children whose father is not the husband. Some men make better fathers than husbands. Clearly, some women are playing around. LOL. And the scientists who discovered this were very surprised. But then again, scientists don't get laid much, so of course they would be surprised. LOL. And don't ask me to quote references for the aforementioned studies. This is the internet.[/QUOTE]Studies show that women play around as much as men. In this sexually repressed society we just don't like to think that is the case.
It's Quicksand Man. And You're In It.
[QUOTE=PartyTimeGuy;4303533]Looking back on it, I have been sex addicted since I was conscious. I was playing doctor with the little girls in the neighborhood and kissing and fondling them well before adolescence and after puberty I was unstoppable.
I banged everything in sight for free through my teens, 20's, 30's and 40's. Since then I have had hundreds of SWs, UTRs, escorts, AMPs and my current preference: SBs. I have no SO, plenty of funds and plenty of spare time, so I don't see the downside of sexual addiction for me.
I hook up with local "good girls" all the time. I have a rotation of over a dozen sweet, pretty, college-aged SBs that I bang regularly. If time and money are not an issue, and you have the game to hire amateur young cuties, I don't see where sexual addiction is so much a problem as a very intense and satisfying hobby.[/QUOTE]Sounds good. You're living the good life. Good for you. If I / we were you we wouldn't want to change either. Or would we?
Because many of us here have been there done that. Things change.
Why are you posting here? This section is for addicts that 'want' help for our addiction.
When / If that time comes for you, come back for a visit.
In the meantime here's an FYI. Your reports are loaded with triggers that may cause someone in recovery to have a slip. You wouldn't walk into an A. A. Meeting and boast about how you're drinking and partying like there's no tomorrow, asking "Who wants a free drink?" would you? Same thing here.
Sex Addicts in Recovery ONLY!
[QUOTE=HeadFirst;4303591]Sounds good. You're living the good life. Good for you. If I / we were you we wouldn't want to change either. Or would we?
Because many of us here have been there done that. Things change.
Why are you posting here? This section is for addicts that 'want' help for our addiction.
When / If that time comes for you, come back for a visit.
In the meantime here's an FYI. Your reports are loaded with triggers that may cause someone in recovery to have a slip. You wouldn't walk into an A. A. Meeting and boast about how you're drinking and partying like there's no tomorrow, asking "Who wants a free drink?" would you? Same thing here.[/QUOTE]I think you need to rename the thread. I have offered a suggestion in my title.
Regarding my commentary: I didn't know you were the final arbiter for this thread and it's appropriate content. If you are, I have a suggestion for you: don't have a thread exclusively for recovering sex addicts on a website dedicated to finding women for sex! You are concerned about the content of my posts causing a relapse for someone in recovery? Have you ever noticed the banner ads all around your thread? Your admonishment about whatever I would post is laughable.
You are trying the equivalent of treating alcoholics in the midst of a drunken frat orgy, or, as a closer analogy, on a website for wine tasters.
Sex Addiction & Depression
[QUOTE=DjHunter;4014241]I've been a "monger" for a bit over 10 years. There were periods during those years where I was insanely active. Paying for extras at strip clubs, dating escorts on Craigslist and Backpage, making rounds on the street, just going wherever I could get my nut off. At a certain point in that time I decided to propose to the girl I'd been dating on and off for a few years. I thought that'd be the changing moment. I actually fucked who I'd christened as my "last girl" the morning of the day I proposed. What a fucking joke, thinking I could force myself to change just because I was getting engaged. I've been married for six years now, and it's only been in these last two that I began doing the serious digging required to move the quitting needle in any significant way.
The thought of quitting was always playing silently in the background though. Four years ago, I started dating the girl who gave me my first BBFS experience. I dated her several more times, most times with no cover, and it became the thing I sought out in dates. I got so adept, I could tell from assessing a girl's pics whether or not she'd be likely to let me hit raw, and I was fairly accurate. During that time I had the STD scares (that fortunately turned out to be nothing) and hit a brief phase of deep depression, unbeknownst to my wife. A couple times I just sat in my car and cried before coming home from work. It made me start taking the hard look at myself, though. Who I was, what I thought of myself, and why I was like this. [/QUOTE]This post really hit home with me.
I wish I'd known what I was in for when I started with this hobby. Seeing one or two girls a month turned into a year of daily visits and browsing escort sites for hours a day. It was like I discovered paradise and I couldn't help but to devote a significant portion of my day to it. I had an idea that I'd stop at some point and had a few "last girl" moments myself, but I knew deep down it was bullshit.
It was pure bliss initially. I'd always leave fully satisfied and with a smile on my face, but the more active I became the more I needed. I'm never fully satisfied with these women anymore, no matter how well the session goes. If anything I leave depressed knowing I'll have to wait until the next day before I get to do it again. The rush I get from setting up a date that peaks just as I'm walking in their door combined with the sex itself quickly turns into a depressed, low mood that stays with me throughout the day.
Sex Addiction. Distracted from work
I'm right there with you, and it's so hard to go cold-turkey with sex addiction.
For awhile I was addicted to the Ashley Madison website. When I couldn't find someone locally I would start expanding my search radius, which got impractical to really meet women that far away. But when that dried up I then found the STG website, and then this website. No matter which website, it seems I spend at least 2 hours out of my workday (I work at home), browing for sex, and then many more hours during the work week texting with women and "doing the deed". I risk getting fired one of these days because I'm not getting my work done. Working at home is not helping one bit.
Yes it's an addiction. The best way out would be to level with my wife exactly what I need to be satisified, but that's not going to happen. She's not the type of sex partner I need (hot body, dirty talk, loves to fuck).
Sorry to ramble. Any similar experiences out there?
[QUOTE=Von1995;4758480]This post really hit home with me.
I wish I'd known what I was in for when I started with this hobby. Seeing one or two girls a month turned into a year of daily visits and browsing escort sites for hours a day. It was like I discovered paradise and I couldn't help but to devote a significant portion of my day to it. I had an idea that I'd stop at some point and had a few "last girl" moments myself, but I knew deep down it was bullshit.
It was pure bliss initially. I'd always leave fully satisfied and with a smile on my face, but the more active I became the more I needed. I'm never fully satisfied with these women anymore, no matter how well the session goes. If anything I leave depressed knowing I'll have to wait until the next day before I get to do it again. The rush I get from setting up a date that peaks just as I'm walking in their door combined with the sex itself quickly turns into a depressed, low mood that stays with me throughout the day.[/QUOTE]
Sex addiction therapy. Any similar experiences?
I got caught once having an affair and my wife sent me to Sex Addiction therapy.
That was BS. I'll explain.
The therapist just tried to scare me into stopping my behavior. Warned me that I could get diseases from kissing, oral sex, and even protected sex. Warned me about extortion schemes and people that have lost everything. Then she showed me the progression of sex addiction. Porn, to sex, to multiple partners. Yes I had done MFM and FMF, so this was making sense. She said with addiction you're never satisfied and need to keep getting more kinky. She said next would be BSDM. OK Maybe. I was interested in bondage and had experimented some, but nothing more extreme.
But then next she said next would be pedophilia. That's when I left and didn't return. I have kids that I love to death and would never touch them or any others! Never ever ever!
Sex Addiction and Depression
I find myself bouncing between SEXUAL ADDICTION, WORK ADDICTION, and DEPRESSION.
Normally I'm a sex addict. But then I start falling behind at work and need to quit the hobby for awhile and get back on track. Then I fall into a state of depression. I figure I need to start up the hobby again, and that helps. But then I start falling behind at work. And the cycle continues.
Help.
[QUOTE=UOnlyLiveOnce;4763451]I know what you mean. This time around, I've been in the hobby 9 years. I've "quit" a few times, only to be back a few months later. For me, the bigger rush occurs when they're dropping their panties. The sex is a rush too, but not in the same way. But the rush now is more dulled compared to even a few years ago. Even though I've loved shaved snatches and tattoos on the same body for several years, I'm now almost kind of like, "Oh ok, yet another 20-something year old drug addict with tattoos and a shaved snatch," yet I'm compelled to keep coming back.
I've been on hiatus for 2 months now due to COVID. This is the longest I've gone without in a while. I'm probably going to indulge again soon. But I'm not going to "quit" the hobby again because I know I'll just come back shortly after. At this point, I figure I will lose interest in the hobby when I lose interest in it. The timetable for when that occurs doesn't seem like it's really up to me anyway.[/QUOTE]
