Jokes & Humorous Stories

Philly Cops

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Philly cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Philadelphia. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Philly cop's expense.

The cop says," License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop,� says the cop. “License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law! License and registration, please!" the cop says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the cop says.

At this point, the cop takes out his billy club and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

Why don't Italians like Jehovah Witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses!

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.

'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

Vote carefully!

...because there is no telling what is behind the ad!

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled
' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,'
she replied

'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE !!!

Young girl and the cop

City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike, " the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you? "

"Yep, " the little girl said, "he sure did! "

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it. "

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you? "

"Yes, he sure did, " chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children? ' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it? ' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

A young man goes to confession

And says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.

I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month. The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven.

Now go out and say three Hail Mary's. "

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession.

I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood. " the sinner replies.

"Very well, sighs the priest "Go & say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous blonde woman enters the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes & very short dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy & whispers, "Is that Nookie Green? "

The bug eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

Joe passed away.

His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone?
My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

News story from back in the UK. Wondering if this has happened here yet. I am betting a lot of the girls talked about here are helping shift the numbers.

Traditional pipes now outnumbered by crack pipes

The British statistical survey has thrown up a quirky piece of data that moralists and church groups have seized upon as a significant milestone in the continuing decay of modern British society.

For the first time there are now more people smoking crack pipes than traditional tobacco pipes, with almost no overlap between the two groups of users. ‘Old fashioned pipes are still popular with certain types of older bearded men; model railway enthusiasts, canal barge restorers and the like, but curiously these tend to be among the least likely people to head into the inner cities to score crack cocaine off their dealer,’ reported the survey.

The rise in the more modern crack pipe has been among a different demographic – alienated inner city youth, prostitutes, and Conservative Members of Parliament. However one MP used this statistic to make a point about what she sees as distorted values of New Labour’s Britain. Speaking from College Green outside the Houses of Parliament, Ann Widdecombe MP declared that it was symptomatic of the political correctness of today’s nanny state that so much effort had been put into stopping people from smoking tobacco, while drug use continued to rise. Taking a symbolic puff off from an old fashioned Meerschaum pipe she declared ‘There, what is the harm in that?’ and yet, if I inhale from this ghastly modern crack pipe thing… ‘Wow, that is good shit man. I am fucking flyin’, know what I mean?’

On the positive side, the statistical survey discovered that more spoons are still used to stir cups of tea than to heat up low-grade heroin and cocaine. ‘Although on current trends…’, it commented, ‘it’s only a matter of time…’

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.

We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of 'smart'?

The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money
can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun
do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES,
USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day.

Gaseous clouds
have been detected
around Uranus.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

GUN CONTROL:
using both hands

Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant'
is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist '.

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Maria, their Mexican maid, asked for a pay increase.

The wife, her boss, was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria,

Why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE!

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...'

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Life and Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
his word he made contact, "Connie....Connie. "

"Is that you, Joe?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

Four Great Religious Truths

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

A married Irishman went into the confessional & said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed & rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's & put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, & then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment & then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, & according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

This past week President Bush and Congress allowed each one of us to get a tax rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, most of the money will go to China , if we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we spend it on new computers all the money will go to India, or Pakistan for tech support and none will help the American economy.

The way I see it, we need to keep that money here in America, so the only way I can see to keep that money here at home is drink beer or spend it on prostitution, those are the only businesses still in the U.S.

Glenn61,
thats funny

Of course I wasn't about to put my real name in so I INSERTED Hillary Obama

I got a :)
AJ

Dam it, I knew it ! ! !


I just knew it!

[QUOTE=Headfirst]This past week President Bush and Congress allowed each one of us to get a tax rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, most of the money will go to China , if we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we spend it on new computers all the money will go to India, or Pakistan for tech support and none will help the American economy.

The way I see it, we need to keep that money here in America, so the only way I can see to keep that money here at home is drink beer or spend it on prostitution, those are the only businesses still in the U.S.[/QUOTE]
Don't forget pot!

I think you're the father of one of my kids.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me? 'To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids 'Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery? 'She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher. '

hours of fun :)

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Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in
a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out,
the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She
walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue
of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So,
the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant and she
proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out and the whole place stopped just
long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did
they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now
they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a
drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

The bartender laughed and said, "Every time the fig leaf on the statue
is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

A man walks in a Bank gets in line and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun.. and robs the Bank!...But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses ..... He turns around and asks the next customer in line.
Did you see me rob this Bank? The customer replies..YES! The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!...SHOOTS HIM ON THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man. DID ... YOU... SEE.. ME... ROB THIS BANK????
The man calmly responds..............No but my wife did!

Sniffer the Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog. ' "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work. "

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this. " He told Sniffer to "search. "

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy, " and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. "

"Say, that's pretty neat, " replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police. "

"I like it! " said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent

"What's going on? "

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!

Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my drivers
license photo and it was that same color. Black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!!

That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!

I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should
be black and Jewish and disabled.'

'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me.

I turn around, and it's my boyfriend. Just what I needed!!!

I am a homosexual and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.

Oh, my God..... black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug
addict, and HIV-positive!!!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and ... Oh, noooooo...I'm bald!!!

The telephone rings. It's my brother.

He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... Any job.'

Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan.

But he doesn't get it.

Frustrated, I hang up.

It's then I realize I only have one hand!!!

With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look out.

I see I live in a shantytown full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker?

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a
drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one
hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetie pie, my
love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote
for in the Primary? Hillary or Obama???

Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God . . .

Please don't tell me I'm a Democrat....

THE ITALIAN ELBOW

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his new wife.

"You comma to de front door of the apartamenta. I am inna apartamenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"What . . . . . . You coming empty handed?"

The Switch

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 1:P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the kids, And put them to bed.

At 9: P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night."

[QUOTE=Glenn61]That would be funny except that being a queer with AIDS would already make you a Democrat.[/QUOTE]

Seems to me that the Democrats are the ones getting caught having sex with females unlike the Republicans that are getting caught with guys. Keep your feet to yourselves in the bathroom please.

[QUOTE=Glenn61]You mean like,,,, Barney Franks...?

And have you ever met an out of the closet homosexual who admits to being HIV positive and proclaims himself to be a Republican.....?

There are gays in the Republican party like there are gays every where... but the Democrat party is the choice for militant homosexuals.[/QUOTE]

Citing Barney Frank is unfair in a way. He has stood up for the right to free speech and the right to privacy for ALL Americans. He votes for the unions, and to keep jobs in America. He keeps getting reelected by a Massachusetts district that is not necessarily the most gay-friendly.

He was once targeted by censure or expulsion from the House by [drumroll] Larry Craig, toe tapper extrordinaire.

Judas Priest has a gay singer (Rob Halford) who left the band and was replaced by a straight guy. With the straight singer they were playing medium sized clubs. The gay singer comes back, and they're headlining huge stadiums. It's not like the extra fans were gay.

Gays can be gay, as long as they aren't gay around me.

[QUOTE=Glenn61]You mean like,,,, Barney Franks...?

And have you ever met an out of the closet homosexual who admits to being HIV positive and proclaims himself to be a Republican.....?

There are gays in the Republican party like there are gays every where... but the Democrat party is the choice for militant homosexuals.[/QUOTE]


OK, enough of the homo talk. We are here for other reasons. My Democrat cock wants some pussy.

[QUOTE=Glenn61]Great,,,so you're gay and standing up for yourself...good for you.[/QUOTE]

No I'm definitely not gay. You missed the point. I have flaming gay distant family member, so I kind of see their side of things (not!).

I really used to think you were cool and above this sort of thing, although I'm sure Lou is totally gay.

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the b rains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'