Jokes & Humorous Stories

Q. What is the difference between a drug
dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it
again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off
a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own
name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and
a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice
safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the
sheep that kick.

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it
alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in
common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in
common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and
"aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and
pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist
colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend
and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend
and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye
contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is
the bird of true love?
A.The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and
rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get
up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look, I'm a white boy. His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father".

He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm a white boy. His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your grandmother".

The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Mira abuelita, I'm a white boy" His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says, "See did you learn anything from that?"

The boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans."

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need

a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."


The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

What are the four worst things about being an egg?
1. You only get hard once
2. You only get laid once
3. You only get eaten once
4. And the only one who sits on your face is your mother

My wife and two other women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

My wife quietly sipped her whiskey until one of her friend's asked, "So, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Two boys are playing football in the park of a small town in Texas .. Suddenly, one of the boys is attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar and twists it. Breaking the dog's neck, he saves his friend.

A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the story. I'll title it 'Young Longhorn Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal'... he said.

"But I'm not a Longhorn fan," the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we're in Texas , I just assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts writing again.

He asks,"How does "'Aggie Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack'...sound?"
"I'm not an Aggie fan either," the boy says. "Oh, I thought everyone in Texas was either for
the Aggie or the Longhorns. What team do you root for?", the reporter asks.


"I'm just visiting my cousin, I'm an OU fan," the boy replies.... "They're just the best!"
The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook, and writes:

"Little Red-necked Bastard From Oklahoma Kills Beloved Family Pet!

1. MONICA LEWINSKI

2. O. J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON



WHY YOU ASK? Well, you're going to love this!



1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts ARE just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; there are so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19. Liberal Arts Degree; Do You Want Fries with That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for the pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original "point and click" was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the
doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and
says,"I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says,"Doc,
what
can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of
spicy
sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot
sauce,10
Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts
cereal,
and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks,"Will that cure
me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what
your ass is for."

A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was
leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the
natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and
says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest pleased
with the response.

They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This
is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when
he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the
midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a
bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and
kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other,
so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?


The chief replied, "My bike."

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy b!tch!"

One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.

The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger than the previous day.

Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled on the blackboard:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another one". "That's it!!" She blows her top...."You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, and said, "Oh shit! it's started."

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk but the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, in hopes that, later, you'd be my whøre.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!

4. Through all the things that came to pass, our love has grown... but so has your ass.

3. You're a honey... and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty."

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny so, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

The Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''