Jokes & Humorous Stories

We all know the holiday season is a time for parties with friends. This is also a time when many of us might take a risk we otherwise would avoid. Don't do it! Being pulled over in your car after a few too many can really ruin the merriment.

Just this past Saturday my wife and I attended a grand party at the home of a co-worker in town. When it was time to leave, I had consumed a few more than I should have. The wife suggested a taxi, as she does not drive at night. Despite her objections, I decided we would take a bus instead. Surprisingly it was not too bad and we arrived home safe. It is quite amazing considering I had never driven a bus before and I do not recall exactly where I got it!

A man slides up to an attractive lady at a bar, smiles and asks "whats your name?" "Carmen" she replies with a smile."But its not my real name." "Oh" says the man."Why do you have another name?" "Well she says, it's the things I like the most." "Cars and men." "Get it?" "Car-Men." "What"s your name?" The man pauses, smiles then says."B. J. Titsangolf."

North Korea announced this morning that their dead leader will have his name changed from Kim Jong IL to Kim Jong Dead.

Take that, bandit.

[url]http://www.thedaily.com/page/2011/12/27/122711-news-clerk-punches-robber-video-page/[/url]

[url]http://www.heaven666.org/hooker-posing-and-flaunting-giant-ass-33253.php[/url]

Tit for tat.

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sF7K5bsj7mk[/url]

She's single. She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door. I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says,"I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I immediately replied,"Nope, I'm free. I have no plans at all!" Then she said,"Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

MAN. IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!

[url]http://www.snotr.com/video/8643/BIG_PUSSY[/url]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano? 'Yes, Father, it is. ' 'And who was the girl you were with? ' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'."Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? 'I cannot say. ' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli? ' 'I'll never tell. ' 'Was it Nina Capelli? ' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her. ' 'Was it Cathy Piriano? ' 'My lips are sealed. ' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then? ' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you. ' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that, but you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself. '

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get? '

'Four months vacation and five good leads. '

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. .

The moral of the story. Pay your fuckin' bills.

Let's test the way you think:

Thepenisinhermouth.

Did you read this phrase?

'the pen is in her mouth'

Nah, me neither.

When Ted died of Heart Disease. Judy married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident. 12 years later again Judy remarried, this time She & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,"Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st. 2nd, or 3rd husband?"

Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel.

Throughout the ages, men have been trying to unlock the mystery as to why their wives who accepted them as they were before they got married, subtly and with determination began the quest to change their behavior and life-style once their vows were exchanged. Finally, the riddle was solved. A social-scientist arrived at a simple and logical conclusion.

When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: aisle, altar, hymn, begins. She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions:

Aisle, altar, hymn. Aisle, altar, hymn. Aisle, altar, hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is completed.

She looks up at him lovingly, smiling sweetly and thinks:

"I'll alter him."

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam,

We're stoning her in the morning!

So I pull up on this hooker and ask "How much for a blowjob?"

She says "$30"

I say "Can you do twenty?"

She gets in car and says "Sure."

So I handed her $600.