Jokes & Humorous Stories

Once upon a time, a Man asked a beautiful young woman,"Will you marry me?"

She said,"NO!"

And the Man lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged long-legged slender big tittied broads and hunted and fished and went to strip clubs and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and wine and stayed out till sunrise and never heard bitching or complaining and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate steak and potatoes and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end

[QUOTE=Lurker X; 1312606]Once upon a time, a Man asked a beautiful young woman,"Will you marry me?"

She said,"NO!"

And the Man lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged long-legged slender big tittied broads and hunted and fished and went to strip clubs and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and wine and stayed out till sunrise and never heard bitching or complaining and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate steak and potatoes and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end[/QUOTE]LOL ROFLMBAO. Lurker X, mine if I borrow this one?

CookyJar

I was flipping through my Brookstone catalog and came upon this innocent enough looking picture of a guy enjoying his massage chair as a cute woman walks past, supposedly impressed with the chair. However, my cro-magnon brain caught a glimpse of the woman's hand looking like it's stroking the guys fun area, and I laughed for a second, no wonder the guy is smiling. Did anyone else think the same thing?

[QUOTE=Nodak Boy;1313242]Did anyone else think the same thing?[/QUOTE]Until I saw her foot under the chair back, I thought it looked like she was straddling him.

Of course I honestly believe that this was unintentional and there was no thought to making this ad sexual in any way... ::eyeroll::

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it.

Under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold.

To drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and.

Asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? '

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up.

Under that shade tree. '

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to.

Be bred. '

'No way, ' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't.

Hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin. '

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your.

Dog wants to have sex! '

The blonde looked at the cop and said,

'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog. '

After Daylight Savings Time ended last year I stopped in to visit my hearing impaired friend.

He was busy painting his penis with a black marker.

I said to him,"You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back."

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general. Pathetically all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV'T AGENT: 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them. '

RANCHER: 'Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. '

GOV'T AGENT: 'That's the guy I want to talk to. The mentally challenged one. '

RANCHER: 'That would be me. '

The producers of this beer commercial borrowed a small 150 seat cinema.

Playing a popular film, and filled 148 of its seats with.

Rough-looking, tattooed bikers, leaving only two free seats in the.

Middle of the theater. They then allowed theater management to sell.

Tickets for the last pair of tickets to several young couples.

What would you do?

Watch till the end.

[url]http://www.theinspiration.com/2011/09/carlsberg-stunt-in-cinema/[/url]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks,

"What are you in here for?"

The second kid says,"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first kid says,

"You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks,

"What are you here for?"

The first kid says,"Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies,"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

McDonald`s is letting it all out.

The man said to the dentist,"Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.

I have two buddies sitting out in my truck waiting for us to go.

Deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time.

For the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth,

And be done with it! We have our feeders set to go off in thirty.

Minutes. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work! '

The dentist thought to himself,"My goodness, this is surely a.

Very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled.

Without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him,"Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said,"Open your mouth Honey,

And show him.

[u][b]EDITOR's NOTE[/b][/u]: [blue]This report was published with unnecessary [b][u]HARD[/u] [u]RETURNS[/u][/b] at the end of every line of text, resulting in the text being incorrectly broken up into separate, incomplete sentences.

There is [u]NO[/u] [u]NEED[/u] for any report to be written with [b][u]HARD[/u] [u]RETURNS[/u][/b] at the end of every line of text.

If you are adding these hard returns at the end of every line by using the ENTER key, then please stop. Instead, simply allow the text to "wrap" automatically at the end of each line when typing. The ENTER key is only needed to separate the paragraphs.

However, if the unnecessary hard returns were the result of you having pasted the text into the forum from another source (such as a news story), then your option is to either edit out the unnecessary hard returns or don't paste the text.

Please do not post text with unnecessary hard returns in the Forum. [i]Thanks![/i][/blue]

Jackson,

This is one of the very few times I have to publicly disagree with you. Yes, the hard returns are disruptive, but the really major problem is the formatting tools used by the forum.

The automatic new line capitalization and other formatting (e. G, [b]This is one example of for the period issue[/b] auto spaces after periods, even when they are a decimal point or making URL links new lines even when they are part of a sentence) done by the software also make reading some posts difficult. It also makes typing a report equally difficult.

Now for people who copy and paste a story from their email, please do as Jackson says and remove the returns. But Jackson, please look at the other auto formatting problems.

[QUOTE=Gdlint; 1322035][u][b]EDITOR's NOTE[/b][/u]: [blue]This report was published with unnecessary [b][u]HARD[/u] [u]RETURNS[/u][/b] At the end of every line of text, resulting in the text being incorrectly broken up into separate, incomplete sentences.

There is [u]NO[/u] [u]NEED[/u] For any report to be written with [b][u]HARD[/u] [u]RETURNS[/u][/b] At the end of every line of text.

If you are adding these hard returns at the end of every line by using the ENTER key, then please stop. Instead, simply allow the text to "wrap" automatically at the end of each line when typing. The ENTER key is only needed to separate the paragraphs.

However, if the unnecessary hard returns were the result of you having pasted the text into the forum from another source (such as a news story) , then your option is to either edit out the unnecessary hard returns or don't paste the text.

Please do not post text with unnecessary hard returns in the Forum. [i]Thanks! [/i][/blue][/QUOTE]

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed. ' Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! ' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ' Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here? ' 'Not bad, ' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm going to explode! ' 'You're ovulating, ' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never, ' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen, ' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. ' He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.

"Ed, wake up! You shit the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

Why Beer is Better than a woman.