Jokes & Humorous Stories

Clinton Lewinsky. The REAL Story.

For all of you that were so disturbed about tales of Clinton's infidelity you'll be relieved to read this! This is the real story behind the Clinton-Lewinsky affair.

Bill was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking Mexican.

The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to his chief of staff about the cook, only to be told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went OK but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the Mexican cook scratching his ass and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. He undid his trousers and ran in, whereupon he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees!

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard him whisper in a barely audible voice,

"Monica, Please sack my cook!"

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

I just hope that none of this gets back to my wife!

Couldn't pass on sharing this quote!

Thought you would appreciate this!

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: 'Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore? ' 'And so, here we are! '

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to shit yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, got to go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a.

Few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,"Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said,"Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,"IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

They found where Bin Laden lived. And killed him.

They found where Gaddafi lived. And killed him.

Justin Bieber's address is:

825 Eighth Avenue.

28th Floor.

New York, NY 10019.

USA.

Just sayin.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform.

The other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Sue. Sue"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then.

It's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun.

And then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be.

Proud. Lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then.

Pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back.

To the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I.

Catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over.

Again"

"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas!"

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going.

Fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!

Do you think I should change dentists?

Sometimes you just want a quick blowjob.

[url]http://www.redtube.com/8721[/url]

Charleston Daily Mail.

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Colorado Springs police say a man's girlfriend unexpectedly came home just before another woman was due to visit, so he called police to report his new acquaintance as a burglar.

The Gazette reports that Kevin Gaylor. 24, was cited with a misdemeanor of false reporting to authorities.

Police say Gaylor had invited a woman he met online to come to his home after 3 am Wednesday so they could get better acquainted, but his girlfriend came home first.

Police say that when the other woman arrived, Gaylor called police and falsely reported an intrusion.

[url]http://www.policeone.com/bizarre/articles/4560247-Colo-boyfriend-reports-his-date-as-burglar/[/url]

So a guy wanted to get a tattoo of a 100 dollar bill on his penis, so he went to a tattoo artist. The tattoo artist asked the guy why he really wanted to get a 100 dollar bill on his penis. And the guy said, for one I like to play with my money. For two, I like to watch my money grow and Third, my girlfriend can blow 100 bucks better than anyone else.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129? ' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129? ' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. ' Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory. '

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Happy Thanksgiving Guys

A woman comes home and tells her husband,"Remember

Those? Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."?

"No more headaches?" the husband asks? 'What happened?"?

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to? Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat?

"I do not have a headache; ?

I do not have a headache?

I do not have a headache."?

It worked! The headaches are all gone."?

The husband replies,"Well, that's wonderful."?

His wife then says,"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"?

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom?

He puts her on the bed and says? "Don't move, I'll be right back."?

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before?

His wife says,"Boy, that was wonderful!"?

The husband says,"Don't move! I'll be right back."?

He goes back into the bathroom?

Comes back and round two was even better than the first time?

The wife sits up and her head is spinning?

Her husband again says?

Don't move, I'll be right back."?

With that, he goes back in the bathroom?

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom?

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying?

"She's not my wife?

She's not my wife?

She's not my wife."?

His funeral service will be held next Monday!

This is a enws story I found funny but true?

Zimbabwean man accused of bestiality says prostitute transformed into donkey.

By BNO News

A Zimbabwean court heard a bizarre excuse on Monday when a man accused of bestiality claimed he had hired a prostitute who transformed into a donkey overnight, local media reported on Wednesday.

Sunday Moyo. 28, was arrested at around 4 a. M. Local time on Sunday when officers on a routine patrol found him performing a sex act on a donkey in his yard in Zvishavane, a town in Midlands Province. The animal was lying on the ground and had been tied by the neck to a tree, according to the ZimEye news portal.

Moyo appeared in court on Monday but claimed he had no idea he was performing a sex act on a donkey."Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested," he said, as quoted by ZimEye.

"I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town night club and I don't know how she then became a donkey," Moyo claimed, adding that he is now 'seriously in love' with the animal.

The court ordered Moyo to be examined by two government psychiatrists and remanded him in custody until Thursday on a charge of bestiality. Both bestiality and prostitution are illegal in Zimbabwe.