Why don't the Pittsburgh Steelers drink cool-aid?
They can't figure our how to get 2 quarts of water into that little packet.
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Why don't the Pittsburgh Steelers drink cool-aid?
They can't figure our how to get 2 quarts of water into that little packet.
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right.
Outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While.
Waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking.
Out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt."Get.
Your hand out of there!" she shouts."Don't you know that women have.
Teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky.
Stars he didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women.
Have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One.
Night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a.
Little action.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says,"You.
Know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to.
Her crotch.
"HELL NO," he cries,"you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds,"there's no such thing as teeth.
Down there!"
"Yes, there are," he says,"my Mom told me so."
"No, there aren't," she insists."Here, look for yourself." With that,
She pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No, I'm sorry" he says."My Mom already told me that all women have.
Teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws.
Her legs behind her head and says,"LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down.
There."
The boy takes a good long look and replies,"Well, after seeing the.
Condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!
A question that deserves an answer!
A young Arab asks his father:
What is this weird hat that we are wearing?
It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects
Your body!
And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the
Desert!
Tell me, papa.
Yes, my son?
Why are we living in New Jersey and still wearing all this shit?
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Rog's Place, ' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon? '
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently.
Dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. '
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now. ' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there? '
'Oh, certainly! ' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76. 39.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back? '
'Well, ' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon. '
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here.
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport.
You'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam,
And; if you mention Al Qaeda.
You'll get a free colonoscopy.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,"Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said,"Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded."I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said."And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed."I'm sorry," she said,"I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said,"Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Flowers to a woman is like a blow-job to a man
[QUOTE=A John;1140269]Flowers to a woman is like a blow-job to a man[/QUOTE]Very true, but giving a women flowers does not guarantee a blow job for the man.
[QUOTE=Ray Alan;1140574]Very true, but giving a women flowers does not guarantee a blow job for the man.[/QUOTE]Can you imagine the boost in flower sales if it did? There would be 4 flower shops on every intersection. The production of roses would exceed corn as a crop!
A married couple goes to a marriage counsellor to work out
Some problems.
The counselor sits them on the couch and says "Let's start by
Talking about what you both have in common."
The husband says
"Well for starters, neither one of us sucks dick."
Fun with shopping carts.
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LF6p3AyydPA&NR=1&feature=fvwp[/url]
This is what happens when you let cowardly little homosexual men set the standards for society.
They will make every woman look ugly because fags don't have a true appreciation for a woman's body and they want to make every young man look like a fruit cake.
Furthering the reasoning to keep the queers out of our military.
[url]http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/worst-of-new-york-fashion-week-fall-2011-seriously-you-want-us-to-wear-this-stuff-2455410/; _ylt=AuNimWpfUP20TsqGK. BND6BpbqU5? Selected=2#photoViewer=1[/url]
Are those nuns in the background?
[QUOTE=Lurker X; 1142604]This is what happens when you let cowardly little homosexual men set the standards for society.
[url]http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/worst-of-new-york-fashion-week-fall-2011-seriously-you-want-us-to-wear-this-stuff-2455410/; _ylt=AuNimWpfUP20TsqGK. BND6BpbqU5? Selected=2#photoViewer=1[/url][/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=Lurker X; 1142604]This is what happens when you let cowardly little homosexual men set the standards for society.
They will make every woman look ugly because fags don't have a true appreciation for a woman's body and they want to make every young man look like a fruit cake.
Furthering the reasoning to keep the queers out of our military.
[/QUOTE]How does this homophobic drivel qualify as humor?