Jokes & Humorous Stories

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines."Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says."It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something."How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines."The Viagra," he says,"really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat."Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again."No," he says,"it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says,"Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

(Note: This isn't really a joke but I didn't know where else to put this report)

Julia, a 25 year old.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]121864[/ATTACH]

Sex worker with a very sweet voice is now hosting a new internet radio show titled "The Common Prostitute". She is an escort / porn actress / dancer in Canada and the URL is [url]http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thecommonprostitute[/url]

You can go to this website for free. Search for the show title "thecommonprostitute" and you can see the schedule for upcoming live broadcasts during which you can call her on the phone. Also during a live broadcast you can type in her chat room, but first you have to set up a free blogtalkradio. Com account (with a screen name & password). You can also listen to previously recorded "On Demand" episodes for free.

Rabbit gets some pussy.

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAn2UFXSsgw&feature=related[/url]

Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business.

"It's going to be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the girls.

"How can you tell?" says the other.

"I can smell cock in the air" replies the first hooker.

"Sorry", her friend replied," I just burped!"

One year after retiring, a man goes to the Dr. For a check up.

The Dr. Says,"Everything checks out OK, your heart, lungs, liver, etc, but one thing I can't figure out is, why your penis is Orange. Tell me what's your daily routine, now that you've retired."

The man paused, thought, and said."Mostly nothing, I just sit around the house all day. Watching Porn and eating Cheetos.

Tim Tebow, former Florida Gators quarterback, and now the Denver Broncos quarterback has NEVER fumbled!

In 2007 Florida 's Tim Tebow was awarded the Heisman Trophy as a sophomore, the first time ever the award has gone to a second year player.

In addition to his amazing passing, running and TD stats is the fact that he has NEVER fumbled the ball! How is he able to hold on to the football so well? What grip does he use?

Tim's grip training technique was inspired by his girlfriend, of 2.

Years, Amber.

"I really have to say, with her help and training support, I have been able to strengthen my grip, with either hand, even if I barely have any piece of the ball in my hand"

Note the grip on the football shown here!

"But I feel that I can still improve my game if I stick with Amber's.

Training method just one more year"

Introducing the Amazing Tim Tebow Grip Master Training System!

A group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to

Jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,"What are you

Doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an

Opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Blow Job?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep Blow Job.

After she's finished, the biker says,"Wow! That was the best Blow Job I have

Ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.

Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife / girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join in your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. I hope we can still be friends.

B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.

C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar in San Diego. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk Gunny Sergeant slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,"Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked,"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again the same Marine slapped his money down on the bar and said,"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the Marine and said,"I say, old chap, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The Gunny replied,"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick &bring her out of the coma'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened! ' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure. I think she might have choked! '

When we get older we think differently, don't we. This is a touching story. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness. Someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

This is cool, totally gay, but a cool presentation.

This is the exact hour (should be correct for your time zone, too)

Once the clock has started to work for a minute or 2, click anywhere on the clock or on the hour and see what happens.

[url]http://lovedbdb.com/nudemenClock/index2.html[/url]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

-

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply."We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.

"That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser."You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman,"not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser,"that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said:

"Who the Fuck did your hair?"

That was funny, I will use that one.

Thanks!

[QUOTE=A John; 1134534]This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

-

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply."We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.

"That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser."You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman,"not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser,"that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said:

"Who the Fuck did your hair?"[/QUOTE]

A study by the University of Hawaii Department of Psychology has determined men over 50 may have difficulty with computer Internet technology. An initial analysis suggests it may be due to brain age, prior alcohol or drug abuse, shrinkage of the Occipital lobes, resulting in the deterioration of concentration and visual impairment requiring an increased need for stronger glasses or contact lenses.

To this purpose, The University of Hawaii Department of Psychology developed this Test to help you determine if you have symptoms which may require medical attention. Take the Test to help you determine if you should consider consulting a professional.

TEST FOR MEN OVER 50

Test <[url]http://www.gjk2.com/test/test.swf[/url]