Jokes & Humorous Stories

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are Interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

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Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

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Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is

That true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."

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Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

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Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

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Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

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Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

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Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term

Memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

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Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

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Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

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Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they

Enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

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SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor,

Road side assistance in Pakistan.

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-XYqaUwabY[/url]

Today's word is. Fluctuations.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was.

Trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated. . . She asked the.

Teller,"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.

Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,"Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says,"Fluc you white people too"

Finally a game show I understand.

[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=caramel_dip.wmv[/url]

A test at an Durham City High school in North Carolina, required students to use "handsome" in a sentence.

The girl named Lateshia says,"Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's snake, my jaw gets sore and I hafta use my handsome."

The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to your eye!

[QUOTE=A John; 1126432]Finally a game show I understand.

[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=caramel_dip.wmv[/url]

[/QUOTE]YFH use to be a great way to post vids, but it seems their server is over loaded.

The links don't work most times unless you catch them at a slow time.

John that sorry ass site is a waste of readers time. The link almost never works. The joke may be finny but it looses something if they are out of bandwidth and all you get is a blank screen. Your jokes may be entertaining but your video links suck IMHO.

Gdlint

[QUOTE=A John; 1126432]Finally a game show I understand.

[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=caramel_dip.wmv[/url][/QUOTE]

Q: How do you surprise Helen Keller?

A: Leave the plunger in the toilet.

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,"Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies,"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response,"Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized."I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered,"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Good luck finding the guy in the camo.

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjKe9WEpRcY[/url]

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman,"I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.

The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.

When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman,"At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman,"back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

I've debated on responding to this for a day or so, finally decided why not.

Around the 16th, Lucky Gene and I exchanged some comments that were bordering on becoming a flame war. Following Jackson's policy (e.g., No Flaming: Please do not post any messages that harrass, insult, belittle, threaten or flame another member.) , I took my final comments off line.

So Lucky Gene, yes, I do have the 'balls' to post publicly, I also have the good sense to know when to take comments off line. So, though I have read and reread the [url=http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showthread.php?4207-Jokes-amp-Humorous-Stories&p=1122769&viewfull=1#post1122769]post[/url] that got me started several times, I still do not understand what you THINK you were saying and as I said in my PM I really don't think you do either. Maybe if you had not 'titled' you post it would have made some semblance of sense, but taken as a whole it does not.

That said, I'll complete my "high-and-mighty" PM comment "SHUT UP and leave it alone". Respond as much as you care to, I will not bother with this again.

[QUOTE=Seva Lurker; 1127782]I've debated on responding to this for a day or so, finally decided why not.

Around the 16th, Lucky Gene and I exchanged some comments that were bordering on becoming a flame war. Following Jackson's policy (e. G, No Flaming: Please do not post any messages that harrass, insult, belittle, threaten or flame another member.) , I took my final comments off line.

So Lucky Gene, yes, I do have the 'balls' to post publicly, I also have the good sense to know when to take comments off line. So, though I have read and reread the.

[url=http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showthread.php?4207-Jokes-amp-Humorous-Stories&p=1122769&viewfull=1#post1122769]post[/url]

That got me started several times, I still do not understand what you THINK you were saying and as I said in my PM I really don't think you do either. Maybe if you had not 'titled' you post it would have made some semblance of sense, but taken as a whole it does not.

That said, I'll complete my "high-and-mighty" PM comment "SHUT UP and leave it alone". Respond as much as you care to, I will not bother with this again. [/QUOTE]Inflated egos like yours have an insatiable need for the last word. Nobody else seemed to have a problem with my previous comment about what "kinds" of jokes are acceptable here. Why can't you let it go?

As you can see, I let it go. I went back to posting jokes (ok, one joke). Is that so hard?

Well, I'm happy to know that you won't bother with this again. You shouldn't have opened your big mouth to begin with.

Man Sues Escort Service Over Sex Act.

[url]http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/bizarre/man-sues-escort-service-over-sex-act[/url]

"New Yorker claims 'psycotic disorder' over encounter."

In a lawsuit filed earlier this month in USA District Court in Manhattan, Hubert Blackman, a 22-year-old East Harlem resident, alleges that the Las Vegas Exclusive Personals escort 'broke the law' during a December 17 encounter. Blackman's civil rights complaint seeks reimbursment of the $275 he paid the escort, as well as 'a $1. 8 million verdict for the tragic event that happened. '

Handjob inventor Fred Gilgoff describes the inspiration for the two-person masturbation technique.

[url]http://www.theonion.com/articles/this-day-in-history-the-invention-of-the-handjob,18907/[/url]

Blog: Original Handjob Patent Document.
[url]http://www.theonion.com/articles/original-handjob-patent-document,18895/[/url]